Breaking a Friendship Is Hard to Do
Have you had your feelings hurt lately by someone close to you? Or had a heated exchange with an old friend? Did you say something you regret to someone you care about and damage the relationship? Do you sometimes feel angry, negative or discontent, causing you to lash out for no acceptable reason?
I certainly have; and according to the women in my circle, we’re not the only ones. There seems to be a rash of women in our era having disagreements serious enough to end long-term relationships.
Changes in Relationships
This came as a surprise to me. I honestly thought once I got to this stage in my life, my friendships would be permanently cemented. But I’ve noticed recently that some of my closest relationships are not as fulfilling as they used to be.
I also realize I can be inexplicably short-tempered and critical with these women. The same women who I supported in the last few decades and who supported me through careers, relationships and the realities of young life. But now, for some reason, we get on each other’s nerves.
We All Go Through Changes
There are many reasons why aging women find themselves experiencing a shift in mood. Hormones or the lack of, poor physical health, social isolation and loss all contribute to the quality of our mental health and outlook.
It’s difficult to be nice when we wake up feeling stiff or sad. It’s hard to be considerate when we’re worried about our finances, physical wellbeing in the future or spend so much time idle and alone that we forget how to play nice with others.
Is There Something We Can Do?
This era of life with all of its changes can be difficult, but we can take steps to improve how we feel and how we interact with others. These things come to my mind and I’ve tried to practice many to some degree of success.
Take Care of Ourselves Physically
Chronic pain, brain fog and lethargy affect our emotional state and mood. Eating well and getting enough sleep is a good start.
Get Regular Physical Exercise
It reduces cortisol and recent studies show flexing muscles release mood-improving hormones into the bloodstream.
Enjoy Time in the Sun
Spend time in the sunlight to get a daily boost of serotonin, a hormone that elevates mood.
Be Aware of Miscommunication
When someone says something hurtful, ask for clarification before reacting. Perhaps you misunderstood the intention of what was said.
Look for Positive Criticism
When someone you trust says something that seems critical, look for truth in the words. If you find there is some truth to the criticism, perhaps it is appropriate to apologize or make changes. If there is no truth to be found, try to take the words with a grain of salt.
Compassion May Be in Order
There is an old saying, People see us not as we are but as they are. Unkind words can come from those living in fear or pain. Often, there is a need for compassion.
Not All Friendships Are Meant to Live on Forever
If, when we think of losing that person from our lives, we feel sad about what we once meant to each other rather than missing what we currently share, it may be time to let the relationship go.
Avoid Over Consuming Alcohol
Our inhibitions are chemically affected when we indulge and the chances of saying something we might regret go up with every sip.
Sensitivity to a Specific Person
Notice when a certain person’s company sets you on edge, perhaps it is time to take a break from the friendship.
Give Upsets Time to Resolve
We can overreact when our feelings are hurt, and speaking up in the moment could lead to a deeper rift than if we give each other a chance to cool off.
Bring in a Referee
Ask an impartial friend to help you understand the situation and try to find a fair and suitable resolution.
Choose Honesty
Be honest but choose your words carefully.
We’re all learning how best to live in an aging body while being confronted with life’s challenges as we strive to live each day to its fullest. Hopefully, we can do so with compassion and humor, preserving everyone’s self-respect.
Further read, Do You Have 8 Minutes? Finding the Time for Friends.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you had a long-term friendship fall out? Were there important reasons for the break-up, or was it caused by little things?
Tags Friendships
Two old friendships come to mind:
The husband of my now-deceased friend since kindergarten hit on me. I was visiting them out west and asleep on the sofa. He came out and tried to kiss me while my friend was asleep in their bed. He then told me a few weeks later that I was the one he always wanted. She had to have known what he was like toward me and probably toward other women. Our friendship ended soon thereafter.
2. A dear friend asked me to lend $5,000 to her financially inept sister whom I had never met. My husband and I refused and our friendship was never the same. Now it no longer exists.
There are more, but I’ll stop here.
I stayed friends with a girl I met in Primary school, I think because I thought it was rather nice that I still had a friend from so far back.
Looking back she had accused me of stealing an album and a book she had lent me (two separate occasions) she accused me of giving me a pair of my own earrings in order to save money (this was at a party I and my Husband had laid on for friends, totally paid for by us) She railed at me for not telling her the guy she was seeing had once propositioned me (I had warned her off seeing him in the first place which she totally ignored)
The crunch came when she moved and refused to give me her address (what friend does that?) so I said I was done and we haven’t (rather thankfully) spoken since.
A couple of years ago a neighbor rented out their home. Happened to be to The Proud Boy types (terrorist group in US). None of the neighbors on my street called the police about their harassing. About 60 people in surrounding streets called the police regularly. The police did absolutely nothing. One day they went after me threatening my life and I contacted the FBI via a friend who is an agent.
I had just gotten off the phone when a woman with whom I had been friendly called me. Long story short, I mentioned what had just happened my friend went on and on about traumas in her life. I told her nicely that I couldn’t listen to trauma as I was in the middle of a huge one. It had been a terrifying few months. She said g’bye and won’t talk to me.
Of course, this is all about her issues, not mine. I wish her the best and am grateful to see her fragility exposed. It wasn’t a surprise as I was just getting to know her. People show you who they are if you listen.
This case went all the way up to the prosecutor’s office. The Proud Boys moved out. The house owner is taking these people to court for the damage to his house. It’s been over a year and the house is now rented to firefighters. The street is safe again.
I had a close friend who could not be respectful of my time boundary. We would meet three times a week to walk and she was consistently 5 to 7 minutes late. I am not confrontational at all, so it was difficult for me to bring this up. And it seems like I pick friends who are very assertive for some reason. Maybe it’s leftover behavior from my abusive marriage,I don’t know. She said she would try to do better and she was on time for a few times and then it was right back to the same old habit. This time when I brought it up, she said no I’m not. You’re the one that’s late all the time. I was shocked and should’ve kept talking about it, but obviously she would not admit her problem. Like I said I’m not confrontational so I didn’t say anything else and we walked that morning and it was the last morning I walked with her. Just made excuses why I couldn’t walk anymore which I know wasn’t the solution. She would send me texts saying she missed me. Months later we met up for lunch. I brought it up and told her what I heard her say and she said I don’t remember saying that. So I did not bring it up again and I have not seen her since.
I have three college friends that get together 3-4 times per year. We all live in different parts of the country. I hosted this last time and one, whom I’ve known since 6th grade seemed to think it was a time to work on her sales “pyramid” job writing past due thank you notes-which should have been done before our get together. This went on for two days- her not joining in on our planned activities. And then a “thank you (to me) for allowing me to get caught up” . I thought it was rude and unacceptable. I was upset but was not the first time it’s happened. Instead of getting mad I just said “I didn’t allow you and you actually lost out” and walked away. She doesn’t get it, she never will. She is like a sister to me but I will never understand her FOMO, but will not put up with the disrespect that it shows our group. When it’s my turn again, boundaries will be set for her and she can accept or not.
Darlene Barth, I am reviewing relationships now (my annual end of the year thing). I think if someone is ‘like a sister’ and behaves like this continually, then we have to evaluate what we allow in our lives. No one is perfect for sure.
For myself, I am trying (note: trying) to reduce the time it takes me to see these kinds of relationships early on, not get sucked in and not making them my focus. I tend to bolt quickly. I sure do not want to hurt anyone but I also sure do not want them in my inner circle of friends. Ultimately, I’d like to just be friendly from a distance but that doesn’t seem to work too well. People get hurt.
I suppose we do a cost-benefit analysis with the people in our lives. Maybe the goal really is to ground ourselves more and not to expect anything?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Anyone?