Is He Real or Not: 2 Clues to Look for in Online Dating Profiles
Some women believe there are no good men online. I strongly disagree. Every day, I see my clients attracting good men into their lives even safely during Covid. Part of the reason is they have the tools for quickly being able to discern whether a man might be a jerk or a good guy.
In this blog, I’m going to share two clues that will help you spot a man who might NOT be the right one for you.
Clue #1: The ‘Must Have’ Quality
Have you ever heard of a “perceived high value quality”? This is a quality you believe a man must have for you to even consider dating him. Examples of Perceived High Value Qualities can be looks, fitness level, religion, occupation, or financial status.
Usually, when you go online looking for a good guy, you find one who has your Perceived High Value Quality and you think he might be the one for you. This is where it gets tricky. How? Let me explain.
He’s Perfect – or Is He?
A client of mine met a guy who lived a very lavish lifestyle. This was exactly what she had wanted in a guy. He reached out to her and they started dating. He took her on two dates where he wined and dined her at the most expensive restaurants in town. In her mind, she was thinking, “Yes, he’s perfect.” But was he?
When we started talking more about the man beyond his financial status, she said after two dates he began pushing for sex. She felt she wanted to get to know him better before she got involved with him in an intimate relationship. He told her he couldn’t believe she didn’t trust him. The second date ended with him storming off.
He called and apologized and asked if he could make it up to her by taking her to one of her favorite restaurants. She was once again swept off her feet by money as she accepted his invitation. This expensive dinner turned out to be a battle once again over sex she wasn’t ready for.
Examine Your Feelings
When we talked, I asked her to check in with how she was feeling about this man when she was with him. She said she loved the expensive meals, but she was feeling like her back was always against the wall as she constantly defended herself and her feelings about when to get intimate with him.
Being with that man had stopped feeling good. She wanted someone who cherished her and honored how she was feeling. She realized because he was wealthy, she had thought he was the whole package.
Always pay attention to what your body is telling you on a date. If you feel uncomfortable, this is a big warning sign, he might not be a good guy for you.
Clue #2: He’s Too Good to Be True
How many times have you gone online only to see men who remind you of your uncle or your grandfather? Right? Because we’re used to seeing ourselves every day, we aren’t always aware of our own aging process unless we go back and compare ourselves to older pictures.
Yet we have a feeling of youthfulness so seeing older faces online is a huge disconnect between how we feel inside and who is out there to date. By the way, this is a problem both sexes face when they see the opposite sex online.
A Field for Scammers
Scammers play right into this when they post pictures that show happy, healthy, handsome, well-dressed men. These ‘men’ pose for selfies in the bathroom, shirtless on motorcycles, or holding up pictures of the fish they caught. And they look really appealing.
So when they write to you, well it’s just like high school all over again where the handsome, fit captain of the football team picked you over everyone else.
And that’s how they hook you. They have scripts and they know by talking to you for hours that they can get you to reveal your biggest challenges in life. They’ll identify with them saying it happened to them too. You feel so understood – and that’s when they come in for the scam by asking you for money.
You might think you’d have to be stupid to give money to someone you never met. But it happens all the time to very intelligent, successful women who are lonely and fall in love with the voice of a man who for the first time in a long time is devoted to listening to them.
‘Hot’ Is Not the Best Deal
So how do you avoid falling in this trap? Don’t look for the hot guy. You want a man who lives near you. Someone you do a video date with or safely meet within two weeks of his initial contact. If he claims he’s out of the country and doesn’t have a wireless connection that allows him to Zoom, tell him to contact you when he’s back in your local area.
In the meantime, get back online and look for a man who seems to be a decent guy. He’s the one who shows you pictures of his life, not pictures of products he’s holding. (Another clue you’re dealing with a scammer.)
What is the ‘must have’ quality you look for in a man? How can you tell if an online profile reflects this quality? Have you encountered a scammer in your online dating pursuits? How did you spot them as a fake? Please share with the community!