I noticed something recently that I want to talk to you about. Do you ever find yourself thinking the following deep thoughts:
“Ugh. Why do I still feel terrible after my divorce? I thought I’d be completely confident after all the legal stuff was over, so why is my confidence still in the dumpster? I’m over 50, so why do I still struggle with this?”
Ain’t nothing wrong with you, sweetheart. You’re feeling like this because you may have never been given that confidence early on in your life – the confidence that would have helped you not feel bad when you’re over 50.
Here’s an example.
If you were raised by parents who applauded you for being strong-willed, and if you had people in your life growing up and as a young woman, who encouraged you to speak your mind, to plan your own careers, and reach for your own individual dreams, then you most likely had a foundation of confidence that carried you through the divorce with your self-esteem still intact.
If that’s you, congratulations. And hug and thank your parents and the teachers and anybody else in your childhood who gave you that confidence. And please pay it forward and do the same with all the other kiddos in your life.
But if that’s not you, you’re the other 99% of women over 50.
If you were raised being told to pipe down, that girls should always act like little ladies, that girls should never get angry or raise their voices, that girls should not like mud pies nor frogs nor sports or anything else that boys like, and that the #1 thing a woman should aim for is to be a perfect wife and perfect mother and all your actions were compared to your ability to fulfill these BS ideals, then chances are, you did not get that foundation of confidence growing up.
And chances are, that lack of self-esteem then is why you’re feeling bad now.
If this is you, I don’t want you to fret or feel bad about the truth. I want you to understand that this may be just another thing you need to work on to get yourself to the level of confidence you deserve so you can move on with your life.
This lack of confidence foundation is NOT an excuse to feel sorry for yourself though. But it is knowledge that you must work harder.
Think of confidence as you would about learning a foreign language. You know why so many people in Sweden, Norway, and Germany speak such amazing English? It’s because they started to learn it when they were six years old, when their cognition was more open to absorbing new languages.
You know why you struggle learning to pronounce French words in that adult education class you’ve been taking? It’s because your mind is resistant to picking up that new information. Does that mean you throw your hands up in frustration and say, “Forget this! I’ll never learn French. It’s too late for me.”
You could, but you’re better than that. What you do instead of giving up is work your ass off, do your homework, listen to YouTube videos, put French subtitles on your Netflix, and join a French meetup group. Why? Because you’re dedicated to learning the language and you’re passionate about doing this for yourself.
Feeling strong, setting boundaries, investing in yourself, and internalizing that you don’t have to please anybody and that you don’t owe anybody squat are the foundations to feeling confidence at 50.
And although it will take a lot of work and a lot of patience to feel secure in all of these things, it is 100% possible to learn them.
It’s never too late to learn that foreign language, even if…
You have a beautiful choice right here, right now. Do you want to fall into your past narratives that told you that you’d never be good enough, that you weren’t worth it, and that your goals don’t matter? Are you just going to throw your hands up and say, “I’ll never get confident! I’ll never learn that foreign language!”
Or, will you take the high road, know you deserve better, and work as hard as you can? Will you learn that foreign language of confidence, regardless of how hard the journey will be?
Le choix est à vous, ma chère.
Are you divorced and struggling with your confidence? What actions will you take to take control of your post-divorce life? Or have you been pro-active already? Tell us about your struggles and your achievements in the comments below.
Tags Divorce After 60