Dating Safety – An Abundance of Caution
When it comes to online dating, the old adage, “You can never be too careful,” is certainly true. In my online dating experience, I never hesitated to try to verify the identity of someone I’d just met. I worked for years as a television news writer in Chicago and had written numerous stories about imposters, such as those who pose as cops. After meeting someone online, I’d do a routine Google search, looking for a social media presence. But that’s not the only precaution I’d take.
Trust But Verify – Background Checks
As President Ronald Reagan would often say, “Trust but verify.” As part of researching a person I was interested in, I wouldn’t rule out doing a full background check. The value of a background check was made clear to me after a such a check revealed that, contrary to what one man told me, he was, in fact, married and still living with his wife.
When I confronted him with this fact he tried to deny it, but I had the goods and he knew it. He finally confessed, saying that he planned on eventually telling me about his wife. That is, after I fell in love with him. He said by that time I would be so enamored with him that his marital status wouldn’t matter to me. He told me that his strategy had worked with other women. But it didn’t work with me. I couldn’t toss him to the curb quickly enough!
Don’t be intimidated by the thought of doing a background check. There are several services you can choose from, and they usually offer a free trial. While a background check can’t completely guarantee your safety, it does go a long way in giving you some peace of mind about the person you’re dealing with.
Meet Soon and in Public
Once I determined that someone seemed legit, I would ask for a phone call and if no red flags popped up during our call, I would agree to a date or would suggest one. I online dated on-and-off for 13 years before finding my perfect match, and in all my years of online dating I found that meeting someone as soon as possible was key to my dating success.
I found that extended texting and phone calls would set up unrealistic expectations. When I finally met that person, I was often disappointed because the fantasy I’d built up was not at all what was presented to me. Nothing can replace good old-fashioned physical chemistry. Touch, smell, conversation – it all matters!
Meeting soon will also weed out potential fraudsters and scammers. If someone doesn’t want to meet in a timely fashion, that’s a red flag. Scammers will often try to delay meeting in order to build up a fantasy relationship. They hope to gain trust, leading to you to sending them money or sensitive information. Don’t fall for it. Trust but verify and meet as soon as possible.
There are many steps you can take to stay safe while online dating. And when you do meet, make sure it’s in a safe, public place. I made that a habit, as well as always telling someone, usually my daughter, about an upcoming date. I’d text her the name and address of the restaurant where I was going along with my date’s name. And most importantly, I would usually drive my own car to meet my date. One time I took a train to meet a date and that turned out to be a disaster because I wanted to leave early (no chemistry) but was bound to the train schedule. Having to wait for the next train home was torture!
Dating Sites Step Up
After spending years navigating the sometimes-scary waters of online dating, I’m glad to see that dating platforms are taking steps to increase dating safety. Tinder has launched mandatory facial recognition, requiring it for user verification. Hinge requires something similar which it calls the biometric “Face Check.”
Bumble is using something called the “Deception Detector,” employing AI to help weed out fake profiles and suspicious activity. The Match Group, which runs Match.com and a slew of other dating sites, including OK Cupid and Plenty of Fish, is using AI to help detect bad behavior by men.
The dating sites hope the changes will set a new standard for dating safety, but daters shouldn’t get complacent. Stay vigilant and trust your gut so you don’t miss the hidden dangers.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you ever done a background check on a potential date? If so, what did you find out? What steps do you take to stay safe while online dating? Have you ever felt worried about your safety while on a date? If so, what were the circumstances?
Tags Senior Dating Sites
Great article! Safety is so important and you should always trust your instincts😊
Thanks, Ruth! Trusting your gut is so vital! I think it’s the number one tool in the online dating toolbox!
I dont need to do online dating any more thank goodness, but wish id have known about this some time ago when I was trying out online dating. I struggled to find out any information about the men & had to trust my gut, which 99% of the time was right, but it was hard going and quite exhausting. The only thing I could find our then, was to find out what school my date worked at & what the students thought of him. All I found out was that a cple of students didnt like his voice, which confirmed he was a school teacher as he’d said but that was all I could find out.
The man ive been living with for nearly 10 years now wasn’t an online date. I met him via a lady friend id recently met during a course id joined up to. By this stage I was sus about most men because id learnt that most of them at our stage of life were quite damaged one way or another. But I accepted that I was probably a little damaged too lol. I didnt feel comfortable trusting this new bloke until I phoned this new lady friend and asked her the question: ” ok tell me about this man and has he done anything in his past that you think I should know about?” I found out what I needed to know & although he is “different”, (the reason his past relationships havent worked out), I soon learnt he is ‘good different!’…
It can be difficult living with him at times (he is high on the spectrum), but at my stage of life I know he is a good man, Is kind, generous and not controlling. Im still independent and do many things by myself which i enjoy.
I know id never try online dating again though if we were to part. Cant be bothered with all the drama and energy it takes to make a relationship work.
Its gets harder as we get a bit older and I totally understand why many women my age cant be bothered trying any more and choose to live solo in peace 🕊🕊
You raise so many good points! Online dating is hard and exhausting. I’ve often said, and I’ve written about this, that one has to be highly motivated to keep pursuing online dating. For me, I really wanted to find a good companion with whom ZI can grow old with. I come from a large family, so living alone was not in the cards forme. I like the companionship of another person. One thing that did make it more managemeble for me was that I started trusting my gut more and more, as you did. I’m glad you found someone who, although a little bit different, is a good different. What a great way to say that! We all have our own quirks and bugaboos, so the key is finding someone who you can tolerate and can tolerate you! When I was online dating I found many men who couldn’t tolerate me because I’m so outspoken and am an independent thinker. But I found a man who is secure in himself and likes strong women! He’s also very emotionally mature, which is defintely a plus! Congratulations on finding a good guy!
I haven’t paid for a formal background check, but I do a quick look online and always video chat before meeting. I keep first dates public, daytime, and I let a friend know where I am. I did have one date where I felt pressured to go somewhere private early on – I trusted my gut and left. The site tools help, but vigilance still matters most.
You’re absolutely right, and I think you are wise to take such precautions. I made the mistake of going to a man’s house on a first date, and when he aggressively put the moves on me, I left. That caused him to go ballistic. He harassed me via email to the point where I was frightened. I got on the phone with him and it took me a full two hours to calm him down. I apologized for leading him on (I didn’t, but it was a mistake to go to his house) After much cajoling and calmly reassuring him, he finally agreed with me that sometimes things just don’t work out. I blame myself for going to his home. It was a tough lesson for me to learn. So smart of you to leave!
To run background checks, a valid driver’s license number and social security number is needed. Not sure if dating sites require that personal information. Not sure that I would provide it! As an HR executive, I was in charge of ordering background checks on all job applicants so believe that remains the process.
I think maybe I should not have referred to a background check as a “full-on” check. The ones you did were certainly more robust than the ones I did. I found that I could do a check to see marital status, where the person lived, phone number, and others associated with that person such as children and wives. That’s how I discovered that the man I went out with was married. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Unfortunately, not all the information obtained is the truth. Many times, old information comes up, such as an old address which is supposedly the current address, same for phone numbers, birthdates, etc. Anybody here know of a good site to find a current working e-mail address on?