Divorce After 50: Counter Unfairness Like the Amazing Queen You Are!
Let’s talk about one of the most common obstacles that stop us from moving on after divorce, especially after a long-term marriage.
Fairness. Unfairness. The feeling like we’re ripped off after all the sacrifices we made during our years – even decades – of marriage.
You know exactly what I’m talking about. Do any of the following sound like things you have said or thought?
- “It’s not fair that my ex has already moved on, and I’m stuck here with nothing.”
- “It’s not fair that he’s out having a great time while I’m here heartbroken. Didn’t all those years of marriage mean anything to him?”
- “It’s not fair that my adult children are going to be in my ex’s wedding, and they don’t understand what I’m going through.”
- “It’s not fair that I will have to work for another 10 years instead of retiring next year.”
Many of us have stewed in the injustice of it all, thinking that our ex should be punished for all the bad things they did. But I am here to tell you something.
You’re Right. Divorce After 50 Is Not Fair. But Now What?
Here’s where the fairness trap gets us. We see something about the divorce situation that is not fair, and we choose to shape our lives and our outlook on that injustice. We get so infatuated with it that we can’t even move on because all we’re doing is thinking about something that we cannot control.
You’re right: it’s not fair that your ex has moved on, and you’re still feeling bad.
You’re right that it’s not fair he has the beach house now while you’re stressing about being able to make ends meet on your limited income.
You’re right that you made a bunch of personal and professional sacrifices during the marriage, and you’re not getting credit for it.
Nobody is denying that an injustice has been done to you. It sucks, and it’s not right, but grounding yourself in that unfairness and choosing to let it influence how you view life will get you nowhere.
If you focus on the unfairness of your situation, it’s like insisting on driving a car with a flat tire. It’s not going to get you anywhere. You’ll continue damaging your car and putting yourself at risk.
There is actually something you can do about it. Instead of being angry at the flat tire and thinking it’s unfair that the tire is flat, what do you do?
You get the tire changed.
The Same Thing Goes with Letting Go of the Notion of Fairness
Instead of dwelling on how unfair it is that your ex didn’t get punished for the crap they pulled, you do something about it. Remaining pissed off and stewing in that injustice gets you nowhere.
You put your emotional well-being and the next chapter of your life at risk by letting the unfairness consume you. And there is always something you can do about it.
You need to throw out that flat tire that is unfairness, and change it to something better – an easy step for overcoming that sense of unfairness, so you can continue to make a better life for yourself as a divorcee.
Exercise: Escaping the Fairness Trap Like the Queen You Are
Step 1 – List the Events That Took Place During the Divorce or Separation Which You Think Are Unfair
If you need some help, take a look at my own examples!
It’s not fair that I had to share my savings when I worked my ass off to put most of the money into that account. We’d never have as much in it had it not been for me.
It’s not fair that now I have to watch every nickel and dime on a fixed income.
Be honest and complete on this part – the more feelings of unfairness you harbor, the harder it is to move on. So list them away!
Step 2 – List What You Can Actually Do About Those Feelings
Remember that you can’t “make” your ex do something or feel something. The healing comes from changing your own outlook.
The fact that I have a reduced savings now is merely a fact. That’s all. Reduced savings is reduced savings. The situation being unfair is immaterial to how I can move on.
Watching my money is just a change in circumstance. Thinking it’s unfair and dwelling on that does not solve anything.
Step 3 – Change the “Unfair” into Something Actionable That Will Move You Forward to the Next Amazing Part of Your Life
Instead of thinking about how unfair my new situation is, I am going to focus on ways I can save more money to rebuild my savings.
Instead of thinking how unfair it is that my ex and their new partner are having a great time, I am going to focus on how I am going to practice self-care and put myself first for a change.
Remember that letting go means making a concerted effort to change the current thought patterns that do not serve you. Although you are grappling with a perceived injustice in your life, you are not powerless. You have everything you need to overcome these thoughts of unfairness and start the new, amazing life that you deserve.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Are you recovering from divorce after 50? What do you feel is unfair about the process? What have you done to overcome that feeling of unfairness? Please share your thoughts and experiences below!
Tags Divorce After 60
Life is unfair. Thank you for this article. Try harder and find something that helps you get past it quicker, it is so worth it. You deserve to get past it and get on with your life. No one’s life is what they thought it would be.
A wonderful article that compassionately addresses everything I experienced after two divorces. Divorce one after 35 years, met a younger/prettier woman, divorce completed in 6 months so they could get married. Divorce two after only 2 years of marriage, took five long arduous years due to his ongoing gaslighting, anger and onset of dementia.
Yes, soooo true that everything felt unfair. Although I got financially downgraded, I’ve overcome feelings of “unfairness”. I’m happy and grateful for my life now. As my dear friend says to me:
”Do you know why divorce is so expensive? Because it’s worth it.”
It took me time to feel ok and be happy again. But if it’s your goal to be happy and you choose to move through your divorce with dignity and grace, with time, it can happen. Hugs to those who are in this challenging situation. It’s undeniably tough.
Thanks-your words hit home and give me hope!
Thank you Carolyn. Don’t lose hope. Things still sound raw for you. Trust that your life is and will get better (and happier) as you move through this tough time.
Great article- great advice. Bottom line- nothing I read or try to do to combat my unfairness seems to stick- when am I going to let go? I can read and say things I should be doing but I always land back at being pissed off at life. I’m 2 years post divorce and 1 year separated. My ex spent hundreds of thousands of our retirement on cocaine. When will I move on?? It seems I am taking baby steps to finding happiness again and I refuse to give up! Guess it’s just time that will heal me.
Great article- thank you
Carolyn
I’m sorry for all this crap you went thru! I’m dealing with stuff that basically were lies from day one and have been married for over 30 yrs but hope to get divorced! Good luck to you!
Best of luck to you too. As tough as it’s been, it’s so much better than living with the lies and unhappiness. It takes a lot of guts to do it, I was married for 45 years, but I do feel lighter and in control which is a wonderful feeling.
This is the one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do after 30 years of marriage, my husband has had a Terminal illness that has left him mentally and physically incapacitated. He became abusive, and he had to leave our home. Until yesterday he’s been still trying to control and hurt me, while we were trying to iron out a separation agreement. My son finally read him the riot act and got him to sign, now I take care of myself, but I can’t stop the loneliness. I feel without my partner that we had for 25 great yrs, he was my soulmate. I’m in therapy. I meet with different clubs in groups and go out with friends but sometimes it just feels like a a woman that I am trying to cover up with a Band-Aid. The hurt and pain still seeps through, and I cry a lot, for the loss and death of the man I married, while he is still living. It’s very hard to stop ruminating about what we had and what we should be doing at this stage of our life.
At this point, both of us are suffering as he is in last stages of his life, and he couldn’t even make amends all the people that he hurt these past couple of years.
Dear Stephanie,
I understand exactly what you are going through as I recently separated from my husband of 41 years:(. I finally, put myself first and it was not easy at all. I cried a lot the first year and I still cry off and on but I am tremendously grateful for what I do have…a job, four adult children, and one grandson and a cat:). The cat isn’t mine but I include him as part of my family. Families come in many different ways and it’s okay. I still care and wish my husband well although I know he manipulated and “gaslit” me in our discussions. I was hoping he would change, but he never did. I have learned that he has narcissistic characteristics and that’s why I always felt I was “walking on eggshells”. His moodiness was hard to handle and then covid hit, and it made life for our family very complicated and frustrating. I have learned that I need reminders of how wonderful I am and how I deserve happiness too. It’s hard to re-learn but it’s good and I am becoming stronger and self-aware of who I am through this process. I am receiving counselling and that’s important as well as having that great community of family, and friends. I wish you well on this journey and be kind to yourself. You are going to have a “happy ending” to it…just different from the one you imagined…it will be better!!!
This is a grief process! Take good care of yourself!