A Gift for Everyone – Forgiveness
Forgiveness means different things to different people. In general, it means to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake. It is an intentional decision and is a commitment to change those feelings. It takes conscious effort and sometimes it takes time. In The Book of Forgiveness, Desmond Tutu writes, “Forgiveness is not an effortless task for any of us, and it does not serve anyone to minimize the complexity involved in the work of forgiving.”
Forgiveness as the Path to Love
I have been lucky to travel to many different parts of our world and experience cultures very different from my own. In each, without a doubt, there is a basic need to be loved and respected. We do that when we seek the best for others and the betterment of all human life. For some people it is easy to feel love for others but for most of us there are qualifications. Sometimes there are reasons for our feelings and sometimes not. We hold onto past hurts and anger.
So, what can each of us do to shed our anger and hurt feelings so that we can truly feel love – for ourselves and for others? We can forgive each other! Forgiveness is not easy and yet if we don’t forgive, it will tear us up inside – make us bitter and angry. It can stop us from connecting with other people and discovering their beauty. Likewise, it keeps others from experiencing our beauty.
What Does Forgiveness Entail?
How do we escape from our anger and hurt? The first step is to acknowledge it. Take some time to reflect on how we got to where we are now. I admit that it has taken years, in some cases, to get in touch with my underlying feelings. Tutu suggests, “Tell your story for as long as you need to. Name your hurts until they no longer pierce your heart.”
Talking about feelings was not something I grew up doing nor did I raise my family with open discussions about feelings. I can now see how that causes a person to feel unseen. It took a divorce, a move across the country, a great friend, and time for me to connect with myself. Lots of introspection!
It Doesn’t Happen Overnight
Does that mean that I now do everything right? Heavens, no! Some habits are hard to break, and my mouth still talks before my brain thinks about what I am saying. When I do realize how my actions may have hurt someone, I try to address it asap. Although it is not easy, I also attempt to forgive myself and try to do better. Tutu says, “Grant forgiveness when you are ready to let go of a past that cannot be changed.”
Open communication is a key to forgiveness. If we make an effort to address the issue – after enough time to calm down – and listen with a loving and open heart, it is likely that progress can be made. I know it is not easy to forgive, to make the effort to talk and listen, to admit that we have made mistakes, but the freedom that your heart experiences is so worth the effort.
Questions to Reflect on:
Who do you need to forgive? Do you want to work on those feelings? Do you have a forgiveness success story to share?
Tags Inspiration
This is a great article but does not address those situations where forgiveness is granted, but it is not healthy to re-establish a relationship with the person forgiven. In situations where the offending party has shown no remorse, and/or continues to violate boundaries or behave in a disrespectful or threatening manner toward the injured party, it may not be wise or even safe to attempt to re-establish a relationship with that person. I have learned that I can not really have a relationship with someone if trust is not there. There are people whom I have chosen to forgive because my faith says no one is perfect, and all of us need forgiveness for something, and because forgiveness means I can be free of resentment toward that person and move on with my life, but if they have shown a repeated pattern of manipulation, disrespectful or harmful behavior, or have shown me they are unworthy of my trust, I can extend the opportunity of forgiveness to that person, hope the best for them, and choose not to further engage or continue in a relationship with that person because they have shown me their true colors. I always keep the door open if they have an epiphany, acknowledge what they did, demonstrate changed attitude and/or behavior, and at least I know in my heart I have not held on to bitterness or resentment, but am also maintaining a boundary to protect myself from further harm. Anyone who has trouble establishing or maintaining boundaries in their life may benefit from reading the book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend. FYI, it is based in Christian belief, but even if one is not a Jesus-follower, the concept of boundaries is helpful for good mental health.
Thank you for sharing, Yvonne.
I think Mr. Tutu is wise. His phrase “Tell your story for as long as you need to. Name your hurts until they no longer pierce your heart.” resonated with me. Acknowledging and feeling your feelings is a first step. Be ok for yourself with whatever you feel.
Amen! Thanks for this, Terry.