Are Your Friends Keeping You from Finding Love?
As a dating coach I talk with women every day, and most have a rich, juicy life with tons of friends. But are they the right type of friends to have if you’re trying to find love? Well, that all depends on you… and them.
If you’re wondering why you’re not meeting the right type of men, it may be time to look at your friend circle through a different lens to begin assessing whether your friendships are supporting your journey to finding love. Are you setting yourself up for success or failure? Here are some things to consider:
#1: The Negativity Crowd
Do you spend much of your free time with female friends who believe you’re too old for love, dating in your area is hard, all men cheat, etc.? Are they negative when the conversation veers toward love, dating, and relationships? If so, you may find yourself starting to believe them even if that wasn’t your initial dating experience.
#2: Sworn to Singlehood
Are your friends confirmed bachelorettes? If so, consider broadening your circle to include women who are actively dating. There is a totally different vibe with these types of women. You want to spend your time with, and take advice from, women who are dating successfully so you can follow their lead. If you spend your time with man-haters you may find yourself becoming one without even realizing it’s happening. What you focus on expands, whether it’s positive or negative.
#3: Same Ol’ Same Ol’
Do you consistently spend time with the same people and do the same types of activities? If so, you may find it difficult to create opportunities to meet men organically because you’re spending so much of your time at female-oriented events. If you were going to meet someone where you typically go, you would have already met him. Try mixing things up by doing new things and going to new, exciting places that you’re interested in and have a male slant.
#4: Dating Bias
Are your friends judgmental when you talk about your dating experiences? This may have nothing to do with you or your partner and be a result of the hurt your friends are still carrying around from their failed relationships. If your friends don’t support your journey, don’t share it with them. Love in the early stage is extremely fragile.
#5: Too Busy to Date
Are you overscheduled with your friends? Do they keep you so busy that you don’t have time to date? That’s going to be a problem when you do meet a man you’d like to spend time with, and you should plan on a little push-back from the group. If you’re so busy that you need to schedule your first date two weeks out, the message you’re sending to someone new is that he won’t be able to fit into your lifestyle. Plus, it’s hard to maintain romantic momentum for that extended time so you may feel the sparkle fade by the time you actually get to the date.
An Example You Might Recognize
I worked with a client who was so excited to start dating again because everything else in her life was going great, and finding love was the only missing piece of her perfect life. Unfortunately, she had a bad date one day and then spent the next day with negative women who are confirmed bachelorettes.
As a result, she’s stopped dating all together because she’s now absolutely certain she will never find someone to love in her hometown. What a shame that is. She was in a vulnerable place, and rather than brushing it off and moving on, she let those women convince her that dating in her hometown sucks. Don’t let that happen to you. In most cases, finding love is a marathon not a sprint.
Your Circle Matters
Not everyone is interested in dating, and that’s completely okay. But if you’re looking for love, it’s crucial to surround yourself with friends who support your journey. Each person’s path is unique, and by focusing on the lessons you learn about yourself along the way, you’ll uncover aspects of yourself you never knew.
The more you understand yourself, the more empowered you’ll feel in your love life. Confidence grows through new experiences with people, places, and opportunities. Before long, you’ll start to recognize your own worth and feel like the prize you’ve always been meant to be.
To learn more about how to navigate dating at this stage of life, check out my Love Lesson videos. They will help you feel more confident every step of the way.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
If you want to date, what is the one thing you’ll need to change in your friend group to help you feel supported?
Thank you for this article and insight. I am in a fairly new relationship and I thoughtfully and honestly discussed my interests, goals and expectations when I was comfortable with this new person. It’s always a risk putting yourself out there. I feel you need to be honest and if necessary set boundaries and stick to them if they are important to you. He listened and more importantly remembers! We respect each other and our existing lives and are enjoying our joint adventures and co-mingling of our new friendships while still maintaining our individual interests and friends. I feel it’s important to know your wants, your needs and your desires before moving forward with a relationship/partnership.
Hi Lauren, it sounds like you’ve got a great guy and you’re doing exactly what you should do. Thanks so much for your comment. xxoo Michele
I have a man in my life again and at first he wanted a lot of my time but he has come to realize that we both have our life together and our separate life where we can do things with our friends or family separately.
Hi Louise, Thanks for the great comment. I think you’re handling this perfectly. It will help keep your relationship fresh & fun. xxoo Michele
This is very insightful! I agree with it based on what I have seen with women whom I know. If you want to be dating/married, all your energy goes that direction. But if you want to be a happy, thriving single like me, your energy goes into yourself and the relationships you have that you can count on for the rest of your life. never sacrifice your friends for a man is my advice.
Wow! That sounds bitter
Barbara, I understand what she means by this. During my second marriage, I became somewhat insular with my husband, and lost touch with a lot of my friends. When we split up, I had very few friends to turn to, as my husband, who was older than me, didn’t care for some of them. If you have good friends, always keep in touch, even if it’s with phone calls, etc. In my life, men have come and so I have learned to treasure my friends. (And no bitterness here, just pragmatism).
Hi Lisa, I totally understand what you’re saying. You just want to have your boundaries set and make sure you’re in a supportive enviornment in the early stages of dating. You don’t want your friends working against you in anything you’re trying to do. Thanks for the great comment. xxoo Michele
Hi Cheryl, Thanks for the great comment. The best way is to have a balance of both. When you make time for love as well as your friends you do keep things a bit more fresh. I don’t think you need to sacrifice your friends, just set your boundaries and make sure they support your journey. xxoo Michele
That’s fine if you are happy single, but seems to my you are a bit judgmental about other women who don’t live their lives exactly like you. Why do you assume someone can’t be happy and thriving AND be in a relationship? Quite frankly, I don’t think you’re really as happy and thriving as you claim. In fact, I’d say you’re either very bitter or a lesbian or both.
Hi JoMama, thanks for your comment. Unfortunately I’m wondering if you’ve missed the point of this article. I’m just suggesting that you keep an eye on your life’s balance so you’re not keeping yourself from finding love. And no, I’m not a bitter lesbian, but again thanks for your feedback. xxoo Michele