Healing Through Pain: Embracing the Beauty of Kintsugi
I recently read an article from the December 2023 issue of The AARP Magazine which resonated with me. It’s titled “Bedazzled and Uplifted” by Jan Tuckwood. (You can find it here if you have a subscription, but if you don’t, an illustration is available here.) She writes, “Pain is a product of living.” This phrase sparked reflection on the shared human experience of emotional pain.
Transformation Through Emotional Pain
Life inevitably brings pain, and for many, it’s through emotional agony that we undergo profound transformation. Tuckwood further states:
“Our hearts are destined to crack – a million hairline fractures and a few big crevasses. It’s impossible to avoid and delusional to deny it.”
This echoes my own journey. My marriage ended after many years – a shock to me, though my then-husband had envisioned it for decades. Navigating the emotional pain and necessary changes felt overwhelming. Yet, today, I can look back without the sting of hurt. Instead, healing has filled those voids with invaluable lessons.
The pottery picture above illustrates the Japanese art of Kintsugi. This practice repairs broken pottery with gold, creating pieces that are often more beautiful than before their fractures. According to Wikipedia, Kintsugi treats breakage and repair as integral to an object’s history rather than flaws to hide.
Recovering from a Shattering Event
Does this resonate with you? We all experience events that leave us broken – some create gaping wounds, while others leave mere scars or memories. So how do we transform these breaks into beauty?
Here are some steps I took that I thought would heal the pain but didn’t. Learning from them led me toward recovery.
Running Away… Doesn’t Help
I relocated to a new town with a new partner, hoping for a fresh start. Instead, I found more heartache. It wasn’t until I faced my pain head-on that I began to heal. I allowed myself to feel the hurt, to truly break, and only then could I begin to piece my life back together.
Withdrawing from Others… Isolates You More
In times of confusion and hurt, I often isolate myself. While this feels safe, it risks losing friendships and support. I encourage reaching out, perhaps to a therapist who can provide unbiased support. Finding the right therapist can be like discovering gold; they help mend your brokenness, allowing you to reconnect with loved ones without placing the burden of fixing you on them.
Rushing into New Relationships… Is Even More Messy
In my search for healing, I quickly jumped into another relationship, which only deepened my pain. It took years of being single before I was ready to love again. Rushing can blind us to neon warning signs and add new fractures to our already broken hearts.
Just like in Kintsugi, our heartbreaks can be transformed through the lessons we learn. The repaired self is often more beautiful and stronger than before.
There’s a wealth of resources available to help navigate emotional pain. An article titled “How to Deal with Emotional Pain: 8 Ways to Support Yourself” offers excellent strategies for healing. Additionally, your health insurance can connect you with therapists who specialize in the areas where you seek support.
Our painful breaks and eventual repairs result in resilience and strength. This beautiful pottery symbolizes you, and me.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What emotional pain has led you to major life transitions? How have you dealt with it? Did you make a chain a mistakes to get to where you are today?
Tags Empowerment
beautifully written with a powerful image of the gold that fills the wounds.
After my husband of 20 years continue to cheat on me, while swearing to our marriage counselor and to me how much he loved me (the private investigator videos finally shut him up and forced him to admit the truth), I filed for divorce. I was heartbroken, financially broke, scared, low self-esteem, deeply sad that the vows I took so seriously were just… unilateral. And now gone. Crushed, betrayed, a mess. And physically ill too (in chemo).
The “gold repair” in this situation came glowing in richly over the course of 15 years afterward, by living alone—and LOVING IT! I had been so afraid, but I learned that living alone is great and I was happier than I had ever been. I also learned how to make and invest my own money, and realized that I was really good at it, and that all our marital money problems were BS and gaslighting from him, and not at all related to me. I was a great little earner and saver and investor and made up the lost twenty years and enjoyed it. Also I realized I can fix things reasonably well around the house and that owning my own home and caring for it was easy and fun, when you’re not also having to wrangle with a sloppy man-child who dictates the schedule and needs to be waited on. I learned what never to put up with. I got really happy and really successful in my career. I also started again practicing the creative arts I enjoyed as a child. Thanks to that divorce I was able to retire early and live my happy life in freedom and calm. Highly recommended.
Edited to add: The divorce also taught me golden lessons for other family betrayals. one of my grown children ran amok, chronically blamed me for all her problems even when her brother and her (now estranged) best friend pointed out that her problems are very clearly her own fault; she went on social media, and decided to “go no contact” while also slandering me and embarrassing her sibling with lies. The gold in this is that the devastating prior pain of the dvorce taught me that people will come and go in your life, and you’l be fine if they go, though you may miss some parts of them; and no one, not ever, gets to treat me abusively. I am fine with the abusive daughter being out of my life and I am grateful that it no longer hurts like it initially did. The “gold repairs” are holding up well.
Emotional pain. . . Where do I start? . . . My father’s illness and subsequent suicide? – the sexual assault I suffered as a child (by an extended family member) – my first husband’s having left me to raise our four children by myself? – my struggles as a single parent, while trying to go to college and better my life? – my remarriage and then the loss of my wonderful second husband to cancer? – one of my adult children’s decision to cut me out of his life (without a single explanation as to why – and I haven’t seen him nor his little boy in almost four years) – two, very draining and expensive court battles over the last two years with two, separate individuals trying to steal from me? (One person is a squatter, refusing to leave the house my mother left to me – and the other person is someone who took a large, partial payment from me to work on my home, and then fled the state) – or the loneliness and scariness of being widowed, while trying to keep myself afloat, facing my “golden” years most likely alone, for the rest of my life. . . ?
I’m not whining . . . I sure am trying to fill the cracks with the gold in my life.
I love your comparison of emotional healing to Kintsugi. I wish you had included more about the art in this article. I would be interested in learning more about it. Any suggestions?
Thank you!
https://www.amazon.com/Kintsugi-Upgrade-Cherish-Ceramics-Practice/dp/B09KLXGY71/ref=asc_df_B09KLXGY71/?hvadid=693539656223&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl&hvlocint&hvlocphy=1014232&hvnetw=g&hvpone&hvpos&hvptwo&hvqmt&hvrand=1276777555478902088&hvtargid=pla-1594974065642&linkCode=df0&mcid=96da5fe9e1623455a12f50bc6fb11e17&psc=1&tag=hyprod-20
i’m not a vendor, and this isn’t my item on Amazon, but it’s one of the hits when i googled it — looks like a reasonable price to enter Kintsugi to see if it resonates with you further … i’d love to hear if you chase it down; it is lovely, both in concept and affect
I have learned that the healing I needed to go through required forgiveness. Lysa TerKeurst writes a book on forgiveness that is worth a read. Thank you for sharing your journey. After 41 years of marriage, I hope to be able to live the life I was destined to live in freedom and joy.
Thank you for mentioning that book about forgiveness and its author. I think I need to read it.
i looked into that book at my library – always good to hear new thoughts on the subject, ty