How to Divorce Your Adult Children and Restore Your Sanity
I am known for exposing the “elephant in the living room.” Those things everybody knows but nobody is talking about. Not every mother-daughter relationship reads like a Hallmark card, and our culture makes that a shameful secret to bear.
Dr. Christiane Northrup suggested that the bonding hormones that flood a mother’s blood stream at childbirth stay with women for about 28 years.
It is no accident, then, that the first round of truly adult separation (not teenage rebellion) begins to rear its head somewhere around 30 for women and the menopause years for their mothers. For the first time, the veil begins to lift and we see each other for the women we have become.
When It Comes to Your Adult Children, What is Normal?
Some estimate that 96% of American Families are dysfunctional in some way – making it the norm. But “normal” is not necessarily healthy, and it certainly falls short of the abundant life we’ve been promised.
Women are held responsible for the relational health of the world – at work, at home, family health and wellbeing, the sexuality, the promiscuity, the cause, the cure and the results. When a true perpetrator arises in a family, the mother protects ala Mama Bear. If she doesn’t die trying, she can later become a target.
Mom is apparently the one who knew (or should have known) what was happening at every moment of every day to their children – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. After all, moms have eyes in the backs of their heads and are equipped with the unusual ability to read minds, right?
See also: Letting Go And The Art Of Parenting Adult Children
What Is Healthy When It Comes to Adult Children?
M. Scott Peck wrote, “Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs.” The pinch point for grandmothers is that any loss of relationship with our adult children means strained relations – if not severed ties – with the grandchildren who now light up our lives.
I am a mother of three and grandmother to 11. I stayed with their father for more than 20 years believing that somehow I could make him feel loved enough to change.
Over time, each of my children has drawn close to me for healing, and pulled away for the same reason. I am, after all, the one they hold responsible for the shifting emotional sand in their psyche.
Ten years ago, I remarried a man whose children were also grown. We imagined that would alleviate the adjustments of step-families. In some ways, not having children in the home made it easier to forge our identity as a married couple.
Although we shared values, we didn’t share history with each others’ children. We each brought our traditions and expectations to bear. When I recently chose to divorce this man who had played “grandpa” to my children’s children, old wounds surfaced.
Had I known that to leave him meant I would lose my only local family, I probably would have stayed for the sake of the grandchildren. It’s that old programming baby boomer women still struggle with.
If something isn’t working, you try harder. Marital problems? Pray more, love more, give more, be patient, and wait it out. Suck it up, stuff it down, be quiet and don’t make waves.
What Is Real?
I have identified four distinct stages in the journey to wholeness.
Desperate
Our lives become (or continue to be) a carefully constructed illusion based on how it looks, what people will think, and what we imagine will get us the love and security we so desperately crave.
This is why grandmothers continue to “make peace at all costs” rather than saying what they see, need and want. Some have called it the disease to please.
Distant
Pretending that everything is okay when in our hearts we know that is not true can only go so far. We go along to get along. We smile in public and cry in private. We live a lie, and it eats at our souls every day.
Women think if we ignore it, maybe it will go away or time will heal all wounds. The thing is, time doesn’t heal buried pain. It has to be unearthed and acknowledged before it will pass away. Pain that gets buried alive poisons the rest of our lives.
Divorce
Divorce is a harsh word when applied to our mother-child relationships, isn’t it? But it happens whether we acknowledge it or not. Divorce occurs when all communication has broken down and attempts at reconciliation fail.
It is the most painful dark night of the soul. With divorce comes all the drama of severed relationships, he-said she-said finger pointing, and drama triangles where people talk about each other, but never directly to one another so healing could occur. We might as well lawyer up and some do. It’s called Grandparent Rights.
See also: The Detachment Wall: How To Let Go Of Your Adult Children
Done
Last is the place of acceptance. There is no anger, no angst, no more bargaining. It is where we accept what life is handing out right now and the fighting is done.
You have decided what you do and do not want, what you will and will not stand for, and are making decisions to move forward with or without the resolution you may have hoped for. You are free to stay or go because you have become dedicated to reality at all costs.
Read HOW TO DEAL WITH HAVING AN ESTRANGED ADULT CHILD.
Legal Aspects and Grandparent Rights – What You Need to Know
Sixty & Me has explored the topic of “Grandparents’ Rights” to provide helpful insights for those facing this challenging situation. While this information is not intended to serve as official legal advice, it offers key facts about your rights as a grandparent and steps you can take to advocate for them.
When relationships with adult children become strained or severed, grandparents often face the heartbreaking reality of losing access to their grandchildren. This situation can feel isolating and disempowering, but understanding your legal rights as a grandparent can provide a pathway to preserving these cherished connections.
What Are Grandparent Rights?
Grandparent rights vary by country and state but generally refer to legal provisions allowing grandparents to seek visitation or custody of their grandchildren under specific circumstances. These laws aim to protect the best interests of the child while balancing parental rights.
Common scenarios where grandparent rights may apply include:
- Estrangement: If adult children sever ties with their parents and restrict access to the grandchildren.
- Divorce or Separation: When a child’s parents divorce or separate, grandparents may step in to provide stability and maintain family connections.
- Death of a Parent: The surviving parent may limit or cut off contact with the deceased parent’s extended family.
- Child Welfare Concerns: If there are allegations of neglect or abuse by the parents, grandparents may petition for custody or visitation.
When to Seek Legal Advice
Not all situations require legal action, but it’s essential to consult a family law attorney if:
- Efforts to communicate with your adult child or maintain access to your grandchildren have failed.
- You believe your grandchildren are in an unsafe or unhealthy environment.
- Your relationship with the grandchildren has been unreasonably restricted or severed without cause.
- You have played a significant caregiving role in your grandchildren’s lives and wish to continue that relationship.
How to Advocate for Grandparent Rights
Document Your Relationship
Keep records of time spent with your grandchildren, including photos, gifts, or messages, to demonstrate the strength of your bond. This evidence can be helpful if legal intervention becomes necessary.
Attempt Mediation
Before pursuing legal action, consider mediation to resolve conflicts with your adult children. A neutral third party can help facilitate communication and potentially avoid courtroom disputes.
Understand Local Laws
Laws governing grandparent rights differ significantly depending on your location. Some states require proof that visitation is in the best interest of the child, while others may only grant rights in cases of parental divorce, death, or abuse.
File a Petition
If all else fails, you may need to file a formal petition for visitation or custody. Work with a qualified attorney to ensure your case meets the legal requirements in your jurisdiction.
Prepare for Court
Be prepared to demonstrate that your relationship with the grandchildren is beneficial to their well-being and that continued contact serves their best interests. Courts prioritize the child’s welfare over all else.
Limitations of Grandparent Rights
Parental Rights Take Precedence
Courts often prioritize the rights of the parents to make decisions about their children.
Burden of Proof
Grandparents typically bear the responsibility of proving that their involvement is in the child’s best interest.
Cost and Emotional Toll
Legal battles can be financially and emotionally draining. Consider whether pursuing legal action aligns with your values and the potential outcomes.
When to Let Go
In some cases, pursuing grandparent rights may not be the best course of action. If legal intervention risks further alienating your adult child or negatively affecting your grandchildren, it may be better to focus on indirect ways to express your love and presence. Writing letters, sending cards, or creating keepsakes for your grandchildren can serve as meaningful reminders of your bond.
By equipping yourself with knowledge and support, you can make informed decisions about how to protect and nurture your relationship with your grandchildren while maintaining your own emotional well-being.
Why Setting Boundaries Isn’t Selfish
For many mothers and grandmothers, the idea of setting boundaries with their adult children can feel unnatural, even wrong. We’re used to giving, accommodating, and putting our children’s needs before our own. But when that pattern continues unchecked into their adulthood, it can drain us emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even financially.
Setting boundaries isn’t about cutting people off – it’s about protecting your peace, honoring your needs, and creating space for healthier interactions. It’s not a punishment. It’s a form of self-respect.
You might worry that saying “no” will make you look cold or uncaring. But real love includes accountability. Boundaries teach others how to treat you, and they give relationships a chance to grow from mutual respect rather than obligation or guilt.
If your adult child speaks to you in a way that’s disrespectful or demands more than you’re willing to give, it’s not wrong to say:
- “I’m happy to talk when we can be respectful.”
- “I’m not able to help with that right now.”
- “I love you, but I need to take a step back for my own well-being.”
These aren’t walls – they’re doors with doorknobs on both sides. Boundaries can actually create the conditions for reconnection, because they remove the resentment that builds when we’re pushed past our limits.
Remember, your role as a parent has shifted. You’re not abandoning them by drawing a line. You’re simply saying, “I matter too.” And that’s not selfish, it’s healthy.
What’s Next for You and Your Adult Children?
Do I wish I had capacity back then to do some things differently? Definitely. Do I regret what I allowed my children to endure because of the choices I made? Mm-hmm.
Is there anything I can do now to go back and change it? Not a damn thing. Does it serve anyone for me to live in remorse and regret? Nope. Not now, not ever. Never.
Nobody had a perfect childhood – at least nobody in my generational gene pool. We all did the best we could with what we had to work with at the time. That is as true today as it was generations ago.
The biggest healer for women in daughter divorces is to break the shame by breaking the silence. Let’s talk about what’s real and how to help live dreams without drama in our later years.
Read WHEN PEOPLE ASK ABOUT MY ESTRANGED CHILDREN… WHAT CAN I SAY?
Also read 60 AND ESTRANGED FROM AN ADULT CHILD? HOW NOT TO DEAL WITH IT.
This article has generated several important conversations. Many mothers/grandmothers are going through similar realities each with their unique set of situations. Talking and being vulnerable with one another is part of the healing process – as we can tell by reading your chats. Knowing that you are not alone helps in accepting the outcome of your distanced relationship with your adult children.
Many have mentioned that therapy has helped them through this difficult time in their lives. Online therapy sessions are now readily available and affordable. Websites like Better Help, Talk Space, and Online Therapy have therapists and mental health professionals available to listen and guide you.
Resources for Healing Parent-Child Relationships and Navigating Estrangement
After reading your comments, we were struck by how many of you are navigating this challenging situation. In response, Sixty & Me has added a dedicated resources section to Kim’s heartfelt and insightful article to provide additional support and guidance.
Below are some highly recommended books, podcasts, online forums, and support networks to help you on your journey toward understanding, healing, and finding peace.
Books
- When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along by Joshua Coleman – A compassionate guide that provides strategies for navigating conflicts and misunderstandings with adult children while fostering self-awareness and emotional growth.
- Done With the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children by Sheri McGregor – Written by a mother who has experienced estrangement, this book offers practical advice and emotional support to help mothers heal and move forward with their lives.
- Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children by Allison Bottke – A resourceful guide for parents who need help establishing boundaries while still supporting their adult children in healthy and meaningful ways.
Podcasts
- The Estranged Heart – This podcast explores the complexities of estranged family relationships, providing personal stories and professional insights on healing and growth.
- The Reconnection Club Podcast – Specifically for parents of estranged adult children, this podcast provides tips and support for working toward reconciliation and understanding.
Online Communities and Forums
- Rejected Parents Forum (RejectedParents.net) – A supportive online space where parents can connect, share stories, and seek advice from others facing estrangement from their adult children.
- Facebook Groups – There are several Facebook communities, such as Estranged Mothers Support Group and Parents of Estranged Adult Children, where members offer advice, empathy, and solidarity.
By exploring these resources, you can find the support, understanding, and strategies needed to face the challenges of estrangement or difficult relationships with adult children. These tools may help you process your emotions, foster self-care, and even work toward reconciliation when possible.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Where do you find yourself in the process of letting your adult children go? Where are you on the journey to finding yourself in your sixties? Please share your thoughts below!
Tags Adult Children
Liberation, my friends!
After a very difficult phase these past two months, I have finally told my semi-estranged daughter I will no longer accept her abuse and that she is not to contact me. The breakig point was when she published a memoir that told flat out lies about her childhood (weirdly inflating some things and not others, and skewing the picture of our family quite radically, in some odd ways, such as things that didn’t matter—we were not wealthy by any means but she portrays it that way, for example, and she was always in good schools, but she portrays that otherwise) and depicted me as the evil parent who never paid any attention to her because I was more interested in money. (Anyone who knows me at all knows that that is not true.)
After that book came out, I was very upset and went to a therapist who pointed out to me that there is a long history of her abusive and hostile behaviors. I had denied it for a long time, then tried to excuse her behaviors, and thought I could just keep my distance, but now this? It’s just too far. With the help of the therapist I wrote an honest letter to her explaining that while I would always love her (at least, the person she used to be), I could no longer stay in range of her hostility and repeated attacks. This feels like a HUGE relief.
As the therapist said, on some level she wanted this; no one could do what she did and not expect a reaction. The therapist said she should feel lucky I don’t sue her!
I honor all the years of hard work and love I poured into her and the family. It may have been a bad decision to pour so much energy and effort an dlove into the family and children, but at the time it was the right things to do. The fact that it turned out badly does not negate the value of my work as a mother.
That’s a hard one, but the therapist is helping me to honor and respectfully self-validate my past hard work as a mother, nevertheless regretting that the relationship is not close, yet still being content today that I’m no longer under attack.
This feels SO much better. When you finally make the break and stick with it, my friends, you will be, as I have been, astonished at the relief! Good luck and good wishes to everyone facing spiteful, ungrateful grown-ups who used to be your children.
Very thoughtful discussion here that I could definitely relate to.
On a lighter note, I wanted to share a “teachable moment” story with you. When my son was in high school a young woman asked him to the prom. She was cute, very smart, and on the gymnastics team. He basically put her on hold for a few weeks until he heard back from a pretty, popular and rather buxom cheerleader, who eventually accepted his offer. The first girl then discovers why he declined her offer, taps him on the shoulder one day when he was at his locker and says, “So….you were just stringing me along, huh? I was not your plan B!” Thwack!! She slapped his face and walked off.
Despite his bruised ego and sore cheek, he got no sympathy from this Mom. In fact, I told him to apologize to her, and he did. She is now a successful attorney. I’ve often teased him about choosing the wrong gal. lol!
Interesting little footnote – there was a female teacher whom he knew well who was in the near vicinity when it happened. She walked by in the immediate aftermath, while he was standing there alone, rubbing his cheek and feeling quite embarrassed. She simply stopped for a moment, smiled and said something like, “don’t worry, you’ll work through it”. I thought that was classy. It showed confidence in him to fix things with the young woman. I love the sisterhood component there as well, since the teacher deferred to the girl’s judgement that a slap was fully warranted for this transgression, without the teacher knowing the details. We women have to stick together :)
Divorcing my adult daughter who is 50 has been a process that has been in stages, I moved away from her she is abusive to me verbally, mentally and has threatened with physical violence then after years decades of that, I moved away, and I have posted progress on this site. I have not seen her now in 2 years, Occaisonally mothers’ guilt would pop up it has not now, in about 6 months, and the last was a final goodbye and it was civil as could be anyway. But then my granddaughters who she has seen since they were almost 4 because she was a unfit mother and was given supervised visitation, but she could not pass a piss test to visit them and I believe she just did not want them because of thing she said when they were small and I do believe in my heart them being taken away was a blessing, I do believe she would have killed them, she is dangerous to herself and others and talked regularly about how she resented them. Anyway, I have been and helped raise them and I have the mother figure for them their whole life and they just turned 18 they are twins. Well, my daughter contacted them, she had said before oh they are getting a house, she was excited because she wanted to use them for money, I will say anything to them of course. Well she called me and told me they had reached out to her, that was a lie, she reached out to them, then sent me a message in Messager saying that they contacted her. The girls had talked previously and then decided they did not want to contact her or have a relationship with her, so I was very surprised and worried about them. I called her after I got the message from her, it went terrible, we got in the worst fight ever, I have never said things like this to her before, I have taken the abuse previously and just cried as she had up against wall and threatened me, one time she chased my car and threw food at me, had I not seen her chasing me and got in the car, she would have beat me bad in the parking lot. I have been so afraid of her. This time was different, she does not know where I live and is too far away to reach me. When she started the verbal abuse this time on the phone, which is horrible, name calling swearing, and on and on. This time I got mad and swore at her, told her off, told I hate her, which I never thought I would say to my daughter. But part me does, she is horrible, she is a criminal big time and the police are looking for her, when I started yelling back at her, she hesitated then said she is going to call the police I said go ahead, they are looking for you and their is a warrant for your arrest where are you, I am going to turn you in!!! And their there was more yelling from both of us. This was not how I wanted to end, but it did and it is over finally. I do not regret any thing I said to her, I finally have blocked her on my phone and on FB. My granddaughters are very loving wonderful women and we are very close, when my daughter had contacted them, she also sent a FB request which they accepted. I will never put her down with them, because it is their decision, well I sent them a message that I knew she had contacted them and I saw her on their FB and said like always it is there decision, please careful to not let her know where I live, they sent me a message and told me, they did contact her, she contacted them. I said oh that makes sense. I noticed they removed her from their FB account. So she is gone forever. I do not care if she gets sober ever, which I do not think she will, she does Herion and Meth for many years and alcohol for many years, her father was the same way. I will keep the blocks on everything so she cannot contact me. My granddaughters I do believe saw her lies and blocked her also, they are twins and one of them had said she never wanted to see her or contact, she said if I saw a drug addict on the street I would not want to be friends with them, so why would I want to contact her, the other kind of laughs at her. So it is finally over, moving away from her really helped that was 3 years ago, my granddaughters have also, and she would not be able to find them. So, I do pray for her to get clean and sober, and I hope finds someone who loves her as family, because she has lost her mother, her children, her grandmother, her aunt, her addict, homosexual father has been dead almost 30 years, so she has no one had as burnt the bridge. I have turned her over to God, and I think the prays will stop there. Our family me and the girls do not want her; she has abused me for the last time. Blowing up at her, felt relief for me. right or wrong it had to happen that way, she will never hurt me again, I am almost 70, it is my time, and my granddaughters have a wonderful life and she is not part of.
I am done. At least I said that at the beginning of October. I’ve blocked emails texts and messenger. She called her brother who begged me to talk to her. I replied she doesn’t listen. It’s her birthday at the end of November. I’m thinking of handwriting her a letter to explain why I don’t want to remain in contact for now. She is painful. Apparently I am always wrong, a hypocrite and should never have had children. I’ve decided to rewrite my life as if I hadn’t had her. The thought of the number of times she has tried to contact me recreates the feelings I had when my abusive ex partner was harassing me. Says a lot.
I am no longer communicating with my adult daughter by choice but I am wavering. It’s her birthday this month and I’m thinking of writing her a letter to explain why I no longer want to hear from her but that is an oxymoron. It’s only been a month. Nothing changes that fast.
Cherry, I can so relate to what you are saying. It’s a hard decision; if we write letters like that, it stirs up the drama again, and yet I keep feeling the need to get her to understand my position. But a wise therapist said I’m going to have to give that up because she (the daughter) willfully does not want to understand my position. It’s hard to give up the desire to explain, to have them understand or just simply acknowledge you. But I’m giving it up (trying to) and have not engaged with mine in anything but a superficial way for a long while now.
There’s something to be said for superficial contact, after all. I can speak pleasantly and plainly but not get into any of her wild needy dramas; I just politely enforce a boundary (“No, that doesn’t work; I am not going to do x or y or z, but I wish you good luck with that and I have confidence you’ll make a good decision”). That last part is a lie, because of her many bad decisions in the past, but it is what the therapist said to say, and to wish her well. So I do. She never asks for my opinion and I never give it.
I send cards and reply pleasantly with the right sounds “Oh that sounds interesting; glad this or that good thing happened; thanks for letting me know what’s going on with you” to her letters, which are always always always allllll about her, has never once asked how things are going in my life—because for her, my life is always and only ALL ABOUT HER. You can’t have a genuine relationship with a narcissist, said my therapist, and it will never be like a mutual friendship. Therapist said the daughter will always only see me in terms of her—and there is really no way for me to make that change.
So I’ll make polite noises just to keep the drama away, but I have no wish to see her or have any sort of honest conversation with her because when we do those things, it always turns out badly.
If any other adult in my life acted this way, I would not waste another minute on them. I am still wasting small minutes hoping one day she will grow up and be capable of establishing an actua adult relationship, but…. she is 43 and I doubt this is going to happen.
So Cherry, all tht is to say, I really really really feel what you’re saying about the diffculty in sending a letter. Keep us posted on what happens.