Have You Started Living Your Second Life Yet?
We all have two lives. The second one begins when we realize we only have one.
—Confucius
Eugenie was telling me how wonderful she felt. This was unusual and unexpected because she was in her early 70s and had several health challenges, but on this day she told me:
“Something has shifted, and it’s all because I did something I’ve been putting off for a long time.”
“What’s that then?” I enquired, my curiosity growing.
A Shift in Mindset
“I found courage I didn’t know I had, and instead of ignoring the fact that my Mum died at age 74, which I will be shortly, I faced the possibility that I might die then too. It was scary, but I have similar health challenges to her, and it felt important.”
“And what happened?” By now I was listening intently.
“It was as if I turned around and faced this fact head on, instead of shying away from it. And when I did that, I discovered that, actually, it was okay – more than okay. Yes, if I died next year, I would be really sad to have missed seeing my granddaughter grow up, and how my garden develops, and not be able to travel to see my latest grandson. But I also realised that in facing this fact my fear had dropped away. So, although my preference is still to live as long as possible, now it’s okay to admit that one day, I will, in fact, die.”
“That sounds like it was a really momentous moment,” I said.
Taking Care of Business
“Yes, because what then happened was that I made a list of things I felt would be a good idea to attend to in this next year, so that it will be easier for my family if I did die. I could never do that before because it made me think I might be almost obliged to die!”
We laughed at that together.
“But in fact, once I had accepted that all life, everywhere, always comes to an end, it was as if I had given myself permission to go, when the time is right for that.”
Living Life on Purpose
And then Eugenie realized that with the fear having lessened considerably, her eyes were opened to “where I am now, what I can do now, and what I’ve got around me now. It opened me up to living life right here, right now.”
That sounds so refreshing, doesn’t it? Somehow, in facing the fear, she could look at life afresh. She still has her niggly health challenges, she still finds it hard to believe she might never see her new grandson in the flesh, but if that is the way it has to be, then she has accepted that possibility.
“And that has brought me a peace of mind that I never knew existed. It is wonderful, because I’ve had a very busy mind all my life, always dotting around looking for the next new shiny thing to distract me.”
And by facing this one thing she was terrified of, Eugenie has discovered it’s not so terrifying after all! And in fact, it has given her a new lease of life of an entirely different sort.
Getting There
“Wow.” I was awed by this wonderful woman’s story, and couldn’t help but ask, “Was there anything you did that helped you to face that fear?”
Her answer was simple: A book on end-of-life planning.
“There was something so practical about it, that the process of reading it and answering the questions somehow lessened the fear. It was really odd, as that’s the last thing I would have expected.”
But, half-way through, Eugenie realised her fascination with the practicality of planning for her later life was greater than her fear. That’s what gave her the courage to continue reading, and to implement the tips as she read along.
Eugenie is far from being the only person afraid of death and dying. Seeing how at peace she had become made me want to share her story. Because indeed, it is very important to admit that 100% of us will die. That is just a fact, no matter how you look at it.
So consider this: if you had died yesterday, would the evidence that you had lived be ordered and easily understandable for your family and/or friends to take care of? Because if that’s not the case, then maybe it’s time to dig deep, embrace your own courage like Eugenie did and find your own way to a new lease of life.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Are you scared of the thought of death? Does this fear stop you from pre-planning? Have you found any tools that helped you conquer your fear of death?
I have been calling this the last chapter. I’m trying to say to my children, my daughters-in-law, my grandchildren, positive things that I think about them. Also, when I’m talking about my death, I try to be a little bit funny and corny so that everybody laughs and relaxes I made it two years old and have some serious immunity issues.
i love this article. i’m of the opinion that we would do better to have open talks like this about death
i’m 63; my ex (with many serious health concerns) died at 64
a car wreck left me on crutches … indefinitely? (taking another stab at doctor help when i get new insurance — they only want to do major surgery on joints, not help someone gracefully move into mobility devices, and i haven’t had a surgeon spend more than 20 min with me and not consider the other systems that may be affected for the worse with some pre-existing stuff they seem to just ignore –)
my ‘job’ -as it is- is to attend family functions as gracefully as possible for my memories and my kids’ memories. i don’t see them as much, and i imagine that giving them this space will make it easier when i leave – we’re not all day every day – one adult child is out of state, and the other is wanting to move elsewhere. i’m here to stay, so i’m thinking most of the travel might now be going to Gramma’s house, but who knows what the ‘next’ looks like —
i have little property to distribute, and i’ve put names on titles and my home for years. i think preparation in my case is having some conversations (which my kids don’t thrill to) about how it will be. i still can hear my Mom’s voice and my Dad’s echoing even now, so i think i can assure them i’ll always be with them in a way
I have everything in order for my death. It may be sad for my family but it’ll be easy for them to follow my directions as all my estate planning has been done and in my safe deposit box, except for the needed papers the hospital requires.
Life is good and I’m living it to the fullest.. we only have right NOWT, so be grateful and enjoy every moment!
Hi Joyce, reading what you just put there, honestly, it so warms my heart! I can’t tell you how few people have done what you have done. It is so sad, when I know that their family would be so appreciative, just like yours will be (and probably are already!) Thank you for making my day :)
I’m afraid of being scared and panicky at the moment of death. I’m hoping to pass like my mum instantly of a heart attack. She had everything preplanned and organized so us kids didn’t have to make any decisions or search for anything. I’ve done the same for my kids. I’ve also written each kid, their spouses, and grandchildren, a letter detailing memories, appreciation, and love for them. My mum did this and 14 years later I’ll still take the letter out and read it to “hear” her love. Slowly decluttering my things so there wont be a lot for them to go through. I have conversations with them about my stuff, my death, and memorial/celebration of life. I’m not afraid of the after because it’ll either be like sleeping where I’m not aware of anything (i don’t usually have dreams) or I’ll awaken to heaven.
Hi Alisa – this sounds like you have really created a great gift for your family, congratulations!
I hear that you are afraid of being in fear and panic at the moment of death. When we have to face the unknown, it IS scary, isn’t it? And yet, from my experience, I see that most often people have a peaceful death, and that process is helped by their acceptance that it is happening. It is quite amazing what acceptance in the moment can do – a freedom arises out of which all possibilities can arise. In the meantime, I hope you can fully enjoy your life!
I did my pre planning several years ago and will to change some details because I only have one person who would be able to make decisions but I really don’t have family who could help.
I will need to contact my lawyer, as soon as I get $$$. Other than that, I will be approaching 70 in February and I realize that my time is limited. However, I am going to continue to be positive, enjoying my life, looking for opportunities!