Look for the Light in Difficult Times
I recently attended a holiday concert that featured a brass instrument group and two choirs – one of middle school and one of high school age students. One of the songs the combined choirs sang brought me to tears.
Music Runs in My Family
I attended the concert with my partner and my four sisters along with their “pluses.” Music is essential in our family. My partner’s career was in music. My father taught instrumental music, and everyone in our family played an instrument. We also sang in choir in school and in church. Attending a holiday concert as a group revives memories of our parents and of past holidays. My feelings ran the gamut from joyous to melancholy.
There were fun segments to the concert with some of the usual carols and kid favorites. The audience even got involved in part of the program. When the choirs sang, however, I swear there were angels present. Such pure voices and harmony. It was a gift to everyone there. When the two choirs combined to sing “Looking for the Light” by Adam and Matt Podd, I was overcome.
My Estrangement Story
Let me explain. I have been estranged from my youngest son and his beautiful family for over two years. Ours is a long story of misdeeds, misunderstandings, failure to communicate in a way that is understood, and much more. I am told that there are many such families, and the pain is sometimes unbearable.
I have cried more tears than I can count in a lifetime. When there was communication, we did not seem to hear each other and so it goes on and on until, this December, any communication with that family, including three grandchildren, was banned totally.
Looking for the Light
Part of the lyrics of “Looking for the Light” are:
“Looking for the Light
It’s shining somewhere
It’s somewhere deep inside…..
It’s right here in you
It’s right here in me
It’s not way out there…..
It’s right here in you
It’s right here in me.”
This song reminded me of all the beautiful and wonderful reasons that I love my sons and their families, especially the beauty of my grandchildren. It challenged me to look for the Light in each person, not just my family, but in people everywhere.
What Happened to the Light?
It is not difficult to see the Light in children. Their souls are so pure. It’s another story when it comes to adults. Our world seems so divided – religion, politics, wealth, health, race, gender, and on and on. There is so much anger and resentment. The gaps between us grow wider. What happened to the Light we carried when we came into this world? Have we forgotten that we once carried it? That we all came from the same Source?
What might happen, if this holiday season, we ALL stopped judging and instead looked for the Light in each other? I am willing to give it a try. How about you?
Reflection Questions:
What will you do in 2025 to look for the Light in those around you? Where has your light gone off to?
Tags Estrangement
I think people should employ the services of a mediator in these situations, and even draw up relationship agreements. I think people do not realize their own parts in these situations. Both sides, I mean. Then at least you know you did everything, and I think it’s worth it.
Carol, thank you for this suggestion. It is actually what I have proposed to my son. Wish us well!
Bev
My two sons are not speaking, for several years now, and I am contemplating doing that. Another idea I had, was actually from Big Bang Theory. Sheldon likes to have “relationship agreements”, and I proposed the idea to both my sons. It could contain things like them only getting together for Christmas or emergencies, etc. It could be no insults to each other (I think they are missing out on such fun not being able to make fun of us parents with each other!). Anyways, I mentioned it and each one of them looked thoughtful and didn’t outright laugh at the idea. So please wish me well as well. I have seen grandparents rejected in two different family situations, and both times it was due to religious beliefs. The adult children are afraid the grandparents will not respect their wishes. In both cases, it was true – the grandmothers had preached to the kids when the parents did not want that. Anyways, I think fear and lack of trust is the issue in my son’s situation, and probably most.
Estrangement is very difficult. I’m in the thick of it with my adult (43) daughter. Fortunately my son and his family are still in good relationship with me and my partner. I sent gifts and card to the daughter and her truly nice husband; she has not thanked me nor acknowledged it, though the husband did. I did not send those gifts to be acknowledged, but there will come a day when I stop trying. If any other adult treated me this way they would no longer be in my life; should she get a continuing “kick mom” pass? I am not so sure.
Anyway thank you for the lovely post and song. I found online a happiness meditation about remembering the light in every person. That does include the rude and unkind daughter too! All we can do is take the high road. I intend to have a 100% excellent New Year in 2025, and I hope you all do, too.
Liz, I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Bev
i’m sorry for the separation in your family. my family of raising has a lot of those mis-steps in communication and -yes- some actions that, when not talked about, just fester
so there is a lot of space between me and my family of raising … i came to believe that we simply -as individuals- need to go in other directions to fill our individual purposes
although it’s sad to be dis-included, i do make the most of my time that i wouldn’t otherwise have for myself – that’s my silver lining with that. and much of that time is spent on family i AM still connected with – mostly my kids and their SO’s <3
I am also excluded from my biological family and have been now for over 30 years, essentially because they believed that unless I lived my life “their ” way, I was on my own. I think they firmly believed that they were doing this for my own good, and that Jesus Christ was guiding them, but I was forced to choose between my husband and my children, and my parents and brothers. I chose the former. There are many times I believe that I am a better, stronger person because of the strength I have had to find deep inside myself to continue to not only survive, but thrive, despite the family exclusion. Other times, it’s difficult, especially when I find out that family functions are happening, like this time of the year. After one Christmas, a number of years ago, my mother told me that it was the best Christmas she had ever had and that “all the family” were there, well, “all the family” wasn’t there. I never did work out if she was just being mean, or if she had just not realised what she’d said. After such a long time I doubt there will be a satisfactory reconciliation, so all I can do is to continue to live the life I have made for myself and my family and remain strong and PROUD!
Beth, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. But I understand choosing your husband and kids. I also can empathize with your feelings especially around the holidays. I would have told my mother it was the best I ever had also!
I’ve chosen my daughter over my stepdaughter when my stepdaughter put my granddaughter (daughter’s daughter) in danger. I told my husband I won’t stand between him and his kids from his first marriage but I WON’T have anything to do with the stepdaughter in question until she makes it right with my daughter. She has a tendency of doing narcissistic things to others and never taking responsibility or apologizing. I never in a million years thought she would backstab her own sister (stupid me).Her brothers and sister (from first marriage) all just overlook when she does horrible things. I get along with my other stepchildren wonderfully so there’s that!
I’m glad you’ve made a life with your kids and husband. Sometimes its the people you CHOOSE that make better family than what you’re born into.
Wow, thank you for this. For sharing a beautiful song, which I hadn’t ever heard, and for such an inspirational message. 🙏🏻