Handling Bullies in Our Later Years

Have you ever met women whose scowls look so malevolent that rottweilers suddenly remember they had somewhere else to be? Even a rattlesnake would say, “Nope, not today,” and quietly slither away.

What about that confident woman who makes you feel like a natural fit for her inner circle, only to draw you into her web of manipulation and control? Before long, you may become the target of her wrath – or find yourself being groomed to mirror her behavior.

When my inner radar failed to warn me to give a Meetup organizer a wide berth, here’s how I was able to remove this toxic woman from my life.

The Senior Bully

At some point in our lives, we’ve all encountered these types of women, but I never anticipated running into one in my second half. I figured the days of school yard bullies were behind me. Yet here I am, writing an article on dealing with senior bullies. I was considering calling them mature bullies, but that mixed metaphor just doesn’t work.

Senior bullies are similar to their high school counterparts. These women control through subtle intimidation. If you don’t play by their rules, you’ll be exposed as not being a ‘team player.’ In other words, turning your playmates into a hive of mean girls.

I want to share with you an encounter I had with a bully who underestimated me. My first husband was a bully, so I had some experience with these abusers. And yes, this is abuse, and I do not take kindly to being disrespected.

My New Group

It was a few years ago that I decided to join a Meetup group of women over 50. The group was active and a reasonable size but was run by only one woman about my age (which should have been a clue).

It was a requirement to meet her in person (I’ll call her Lily) to see if I was a good fit for her group. She had one of those stern faces that oozed bad energy. But not wanting to judge without getting to know her, I decided to give Lily the benefit of the doubt. Maybe a heart of gold was beating beneath her protective armour.

My intent had been to join a group of ladies to accompany me to live theatre, opera (something my current friends weren’t keen on), and occasional “outside the box” events. Lily’s group had arranged for us to meet with a professional make-up artist who had worked on Hollywood celebrities. It all sounded very interesting.

A Spot of Bother

After attending a few functions, I noticed Lily had a bit of an edge to her voice when dealing with minor issues. Members were afraid to cross her and skirted around what was on their minds in order not to incur her wrath. Believing we were all adults and could fight our own battles, I didn’t get involved in these skirmishes.

However, I was noticing that ladies who had gently disagreed with Lily were disappearing. Despite her stern appearance, I was pretty sure there was no murder involved but those who spoke up seemed no longer to be involved in any further events.

One day, when a meetup I attended hadn’t gone according to plan and a few of us were disappointed at the poor organization of the event, it quickly became apparent that Lily was not going to take any of the blame.

Instead, she pointed her finger at the attendees, indicating that we were the problem for any chaos incurred when we arrived at the venue. I politely challenged her on this and was swiftly reprimanded. Lily informed me that I was already pushing my luck since she felt I was interacting too much with speakers at past events.

Don’t Disrespect Me

I can tell you, in my second half, no one shuts me down when I’ve done nothing wrong. I was beginning to see the light and I’d had enough. I confronted Lily in the group chat and told her she was not listening to the membership and behaving like a bully. She was lauding over the group like we were her minions. There were to be no dissenting voices of any form for fear of incurring her brutal authority.

The next thing I knew she proved me right. I was told I was too outspoken and she didn’t want me in her group. With a push of a button, I was blocked and our conversation erased.

This, of course, only made me feel vindicated. She was a bully, I had said what I had to say, and she had been too late in removing our conversation before many in our group had read our interaction.

She was reeling from the shock of someone having the audacity to stand up to her. I chalked this up to a win. I don’t tolerate bullies, and I successfully outed one.

Finding the Bodies

After dusting myself off and moving on, it was a few months later that I joined another women’s group which seemed more friendly. And wouldn’t you know it – I unearthed the bodies of the other women who had been ‘blocked’ from Lily’s group.

Apparently, my skirmish with Lily was the talk of our city’s women’s meetup scene. Ladies commented, ‘Oh, that was you!’ They told me they were grateful and thoroughly enjoyed reading our brief exchange.

A Lesson in Bad Behaviour

When you stand up to a bully, they usually don’t push back. They can’t and don’t intend to explain or admit their bad behavior. They will stick their tongue out at you and stomp away. If they can’t be right, they don’t want any part of you.

Sounds good to me. I’m too old for that nonsense. What a colossal waste of one’s time.

Last Word

Meetups can be a bit of trial and error. But don’t give up. In my experience, if you’re searching for friendly faces, look for groups that are run by the members. You can even suggest and arrange your own event. I am currently involved in such a group and thoroughly enjoying my new friends.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What’s your experience with meetup groups? Have you met any bullies? How have you handled the situation?