Letting Go of Mom Guilt: Is It Even Possible?
Our numbers are legion – mothers who did the best we could with what we had… and are still carrying the weight of wondering if it was ever enough. So many of us are quietly struggling. With mom guilt. With strained relationships. With the painful question: Where did I go wrong?
Let me be honest. I know that question well.
I spent decades mothering – through adoption, homeschooling, learning disabilities, addiction, mental health struggles, and the everyday pressures of trying to hold a family together. I gave it everything I had.
And still, years later, after the marriage ended and the kids became adults, I found myself sitting in a swirl of questions. Heart aching. Wondering how much of their pain was my fault.
That’s Mom Guilt – And It’s Brutal
It creeps in late at night. It whispers in your ear during a hard conversation with your grown child. It shows up when you hear the words, “You never…” or “You always…”
But here’s the truth I’m learning, and maybe you need to hear it too:
You Are Not Called to Carry What Belongs to Them
We’re so used to rescuing, cushioning, explaining, justifying, trying to protect them from the consequences of their choices – even when they’re adults.
But grown people have to carry their own loads.
Even our beloved children.
The most loving thing we can do sometimes is step back – and let them fall.
It’s not cold. It’s not cruel.
It’s necessary.
The Season of Adult Children Is a Whole New Wilderness
There are no guidebooks for this.
No more pediatricians or parent-teacher conferences. Just adult kids making choices you don’t agree with, living lives you didn’t raise them for, or perhaps holding resentment for things you did the best you could with.
And you, Mama, are left with an ache.
You try to explain. You try to reconnect.
You may even apologize – and sometimes, that’s holy work.
But let me say this loud and clear:
You do not need to keep apologizing for the same thing over and over again.
Own what’s yours.
Extend grace where you can.
But stop carrying what doesn’t belong to you.
What I Want You to Know About Mom Guilt
If you’re feeling the weight of what your child still holds against you, or the pain of what you couldn’t protect them from – here’s what I’ve learned:
1. Stop Overexplaining
You don’t owe a TED Talk every time you set a boundary or say no. “I love you” and “No” can live in the same sentence.
2. Give It Back
When they try to hand you their pain, their blame, their unhealed wounds – gently and prayerfully hand it back. Say, “That belongs to you now.” You’ve carried it long enough.
3. Protect Your Peace
Your emotional safety matters. You are still worthy of respect and gentleness. Set the boundary. Take the space. Walk away if you need to.
4. Pray Without Controlling
You can’t change their hearts. Only God can. Keep praying – not to fix them, but to free you.
5. Extend Grace – to Them, and to Yourself
Yes, you made mistakes. All mothers do. But you also loved. You sacrificed. You showed up. And that matters, even if they can’t see it yet.
A Word for Your Heart
Mama, you’re not perfect. But you are good.
You were the best mother you knew how to be in the moment. And now, your job is to trust God with the rest.
I hold this verse close in this season:
“Each one should carry their own load.” (Galatians 6:5)
We are not meant to carry the full weight of their adult lives.
We’re here to love them. Pray for them.
But also to release them.
You are not failing.
You are becoming.
And maybe – just maybe – it’s time to mother yourself with the same grace you gave to everyone else.
You’re not alone in this.
I would invite you to do two things today: Get a copy of the Second Act Soul Check-In available here. Then check in at our Empty Nesters Facebook Group. Join the conversation as we deconstruct these complex emotions. You are not alone.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
How have you learned to deal with and diminish mom guilt? Share your thoughts and stories here.
Tags Adult Children
Thank you. Am going through Mother/Daughter issues with both over 40 girls. I know I made mistakes, big ones. Thing is, I cannot have a “do over” to make them right and apologizing just does not seem to be enough. Now when the past is revisited, I just keep silent.
Good Morning, I am glad I read this article. I am also happy that you mentioned scripture and prayer to help us Mothers to work through any guilt we may feel. Thank you for this article. Something I needed to see and remind myself that I don’t own my boys’ emotions.
My husband and I devoted our lives to to giving our kids the best childhood possible. He and I would even have meeting to discuss where we needed to improve, or what we could do to facilitate that . He had a date withe each of our kids on a regular basis(we have eleven kids)
it was a good life for them growing up and until about 4 years ago, they all acknowledged that and were quick to tell others. Then, with no warning 2 of my boys(actually men now) disowned us, and 4 just tolerate us, they say we aren’t doing enough in their lives and if we ask them to visit us( we are both in ill health) they have actually yelled at us and said we were rude to think they could drop everything to visit. I’m just devastated. But I still have 4 kids who live in town who still love us. They all came over yesterday and worked in our yard and fixed us dinner!
I have cried my eyes out and I have to leave it up to God and find peace with having my 4 kids still around.
How sad many of these comments posted are. I have actually had my son-in-law send me a thank-you note on my daughter’s birthday to thank me for her upbringing. When I saw the high-lighted article, I thought it was regrets regarding my relationship as a daughter to my mother. Friends and family thought me to be a devoted daughter to the time my mother died. However, I cannot forgive myself for – not abuse – but lack of true understanding of all that one needs as we age. Perhaps that isn’t possible until we get there ourselves.
This article was an eye opener for me. I carry Mom guilt and I don’t know what I am guilty off. I worked, took care of two kids, a husband that was self absorbed. Now I am a widow and the adult children are making me feel guilty because they feel entitled to everything I own with my husband. Its hurtful and unfair because they know I live a very lonely life so for some attention entitlement comes to play. This article I need to read over and over to be strong and say enough is enough. Thank you.
Laurs, I found a lot of help in the rejectedparents dot net group but also, and more to the point, the books Done With The Crying, and the follow up Beyond Done With The Crying. One of the very few authors who admit that not all parents are to blame, and who insist on accountability from children who are now adults and ought to act like it. I hope those references are useful to you.