Money Shame: The Hidden Weight Many Women Over 60 Still Carry
Most of us know what it feels like to regret a purchase. Maybe you’ve bought something you didn’t need, given too much to a loved one, or carried debt longer than you expected.
But there’s a heavier burden that lingers long after the money is gone: money shame.
Money shame isn’t just about dollars and cents. It’s about worth, identity, and the stories we tell ourselves about what our financial choices “say” about us. And for many women over 60, money shame has been a lifelong companion.
Marjorie’s Story
Marjorie, 72, still cringes when she remembers a credit card balance from her 40s. She paid it off years ago, but when she looks at her retirement accounts today, she still hears the voice in her head, saying, “If you hadn’t messed up then, you’d be fine right now.”
The debt is gone, but the shame lingers. It shapes how she spends, how she talks to her children about money, even how she sees herself in the mirror.
Why Money Shame Sticks Around
Money shame is sticky because it attaches to our sense of worth. Let’s discuss a few reasons it often shows up strongly for women later in life.
Messages from Childhood
Many grew up hearing “we don’t talk about money” or “people like us can’t afford that.” These scripts stay alive in our heads for decades.
Cultural Expectations
Women of this generation were often taught to prioritize everyone else’s needs above their own. Spending on yourself? Selfish. Saying no? Cold.
Life Transitions
Divorce, widowhood, and retirement bring financial shifts that can trigger old shame stories: “I should have planned better.”
Comparison
Seeing friends with bigger homes, fancier trips, or more savings can spark feelings of failure, whether or not your own choices were wise.
How Money Shame Shows Up
It’s not always obvious. Sometimes money shame hides behind habits that look like “responsibility” or “discipline.”
Ask yourself:
- Do I avoid opening bills or bank statements because I dread what I’ll feel?
- Do I downplay my successes, “I just got lucky”, instead of celebrating them?
- Do I keep financial secrets from loved ones, not because of privacy, but because of embarrassment?
- Do I hear a harsh inner voice whenever I spend on myself?
These are all signs that shame, not wisdom, is driving your money decisions.
The Cost of Carrying Shame
Money shame doesn’t make us better with money. In fact, it often makes things worse.
Avoidance
When shame runs the show, we put off hard conversations or ignore problems until they grow bigger.
Over-Restriction
Some women swing the other way, denying themselves joy or rest because they “don’t deserve it.”
Silence
Shame convinces us to keep quiet, which blocks us from getting support.
Relationship Strain
Whether with adult children, partners, or friends, shame erodes trust and openness.
Untangling Money and Worth (The Tool)
The first step to healing money shame is realizing this: Your financial history is not your identity.
Here are a few practical ways to start:
- Name it. Notice when that shame voice shows up. Label it: “That’s shame talking.” Simply naming it can create space between you and the feeling.
- Get curious, not critical. Instead of “I’m so bad with money,” try asking: “What story am I telling myself right now?” Curiosity softens the shame.
- Share in safe places. Talking with a trusted friend, coach, or support group can transform isolation into connection. Often we find out: we’re not alone.
- Celebrate small wins. Shame thrives on highlighting mistakes. Keep a simple list of moments you followed through, paying a bill, setting a boundary, saying no.
- Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself as kindly as you would treat a friend. Mistakes don’t erase your worth.
Why Letting Go Matters
When you loosen shame’s grip, a few things happen:
- You start making choices from confidence, not fear.
- You open space for joy, whether that’s travel, hobbies, or a simple night out.
- You can finally talk openly about money, which deepens relationships and helps you both feel safe.
- You reclaim the sense that your hard work has been worth it.
Closing Thoughts
Money shame can feel like an old shadow that never quite goes away. But it doesn’t define you. With awareness, small shifts, and a willingness to rewrite your money story, you can step into this chapter of life with more freedom and peace.
Want to learn more about healing the impact of financial shame and trauma? Read more here.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you suffered from money shame? What is your money “sin” and have you gotten healed from it?
I finally decided to get help. I borrowed enough money to pay off all 12 credit cards. Yes I maxed out everyone of them. For a few years I would send in at least the minimum payment. And if I had extra money I pay a little more.
My problem was stress and depression. I felt unworthy., secretive, and lonely. I would shop for frivolous things only to give it away or return it. So I made a deal with the person I borrowed money from. I only kept 2 cards with low credit limit and had to send a letter to each creditor to close account after paying in full. Talk about withdraws! I couldn’t accept the “defeat”. Still having a bit of hard time, but I’m taking it one day at a time.
I wish there was a group to talk about this . We about the same ages. Nothing to huge .
Oh this is a great idea! I’d love to facilitate something like this! What would work for you/ you folks? Something like a private facebook group? A discussion group? I’m open to suggestions!
Hanna… I would be interested in a discussion group or private Facebook Group. Have other ladies expressed interest?
This is so me….still working at 74 trying to pay off credit card debt that I incurred over the years helping my adult kids. I am $40K in debt and will probably have to work into my 80’s…
Wish this forum had a “giving/sharing” portal for us older ladies…I would contribute every month if I knew I was helping someone under deep financial strain.
You’re not alone. I can’t work I have a bad back. No disability. My husband younger. I’m 67. I just bought me new engagement ring it was a good sale $800.00 my ssi will pay off. My husband will kill me. I never used to be this way. He works hard and a lot. We have 401k but no savings because of kids. I feel scared when he retired.
Wow, Shelly. That’s a LOT going on… no wonder you feel scared!
Your comment absolutely helps! Someone reading your words is thinking “I thought I was the only one”. This is why talking about money is so powerful. Thank you for sharing your story, Peggy!
Hanna thank you for responding. You sound like the perfect person to facilitate a private “GoFundMe” for these ladies. And I’d be the first to contribute! Many of us don’t have resources or anyway to dig ourselves out of a financial rut.
But I now know that I’m not alone.
As a child, my parents were not well off and then my father became handicapped. Life was very hard. I learnt at the time to save, save, save. But I also learnt that I wanted à différent life and studied like crazy. Nowadays, yes, I will.look carefully at supermarket prices and I.loathe throwing food away. I am generous with the grandchildren (they each will get savings at age 18) and my friends. I am prudent except for my almost yearly trip to the jeweller’s for my birthday. I don’t feel shame about it really. I think, darn it all, it’s my turn and my daughter and granddaughter will receive some wonderful jewellery investments too. (For grandson, I think when he’s old enough, he’ll have a wonderful watch). The only shame for me is being.miserly and ignoring the genuinely poor or sneering at them. I know how it feels.
Jane you’ve hit the “money shame” nail right on the head. The messages around money are generational and deeply impactful. I love that you have an expectation of that yearly trip to the jeweller’s!
Hello, I can relate. I am 61 years old, married 40 years, and the big issues in the marriage is money. I handled the money all these years. He and I made our share of mistakes with the money usage all these years. Now, when I hear him talking about the lack of money, and all the repairs needing to be done on the house, better vehicles needed, no vacation, number 1 problem in marriages failing is finances, etc. I blame myself for where we are and wish I never spent any money on myself all these years, thinking we would be better financially in our sixties. Sigh….
Don’t beat yourself up. Your husband should have stepped up and helped with the finances. I’ve been there and still have days of feeling bad. But, I also know I can’t take all the blame. Please give yourself break. You’re not alone.
Joan, you’re so right. We aren’t alone in this, and blaming ourselves or others doesn’t work the way we want it to, lol. I think the richness of comments here really point out how disconnected we can all feel about finances.
Thank you for replying and telling me I am not alone. I feel alone at times. . He has worked all his life, When there is money, he tends to spend and not save. I prefer to have a lot of money in the bank verses having things to maintain. When I am not stressed by comments, I try to remember how he has not been careful with money, too.
Well, is your husband able to work? To do odd jobs? Provide à service???? I know how it feels to not be able to afford a vacation but there are still cheap days out, etc. Let him assume some responsibility too.
Thank you for replying. Yes, he is able to work and has worked his entire life. He leans to being a workaholic. I work, too. My favorite thing to do is pack a picnic lunch of sandwiches and go to the local park at the lake. I do not like to travel. There are beautiful places to visit that are nearby that are free.
Hi Patty. As Joan said, don’t beat yourself up, but I know that’s easier said than done. If just beating ourselves up worked we’d all be just fine, lol. And you’re absolutely right about money being a huge issue for couples. Most of the couples I work with can communicate and strategize about every other domain of their lives EXCEPT money.