No More Pap Smears: 11 Outrageous Signs I am Aging
Hello, Dear Readers! Allow me to introduce myself. I am a newbie to this blogging world, and I’m thrilled (and slightly terrified) to be here. As I approach my 60th birthday, I find myself feeling a bit clueless after retiring from teaching elementary school for more than 30 years.
I look at young people with a mix of fright and disdain, wondering how they can be so confident in their youth. Just when I thought I’d be older and wiser, I’m finding myself a bit irrelevant and treated to all kinds of hidden and not-so-hidden ageism. But hey, at least it’s giving me plenty to write about!
Just When I Thought I Knew Something
Ah, the joys of aging. The irony of feeling perpetually young inside our heads while the rest of the world seems hell-bent on reminding us of our “maturity.” In a youth-obsessed culture, it’s almost a rite of passage to hit those moments where you realize, “Well, I guess I’m officially old now.” My dear friend and I discussed this at length on our podcast, and I decided to share 11 of the most surprising and slightly horrifying indicators that we have, indeed, crossed over to the “elderly” side of life.
#1: Tiny Print and Reading Glasses: The Struggle Is Real
It all started innocuously enough with a trip to the eye doctor. The technician handed me a reading test card with microscopic print on it. “Well, this is new,” I thought. “What’s it for?” “Read it,” she stated simply. I squinted and tried to hold it at arm’s length. She kind of swatted at my arm, forcing me to read it closer to my face.
I finally admitted defeat. “Do I really need reading glasses?” I asked, the denial thick in my voice. She just smiled that knowing smile. That’s when it hit me: I had crossed a threshold based on my birthdate. Reading glasses are now my reality. Go away, tiny print.
#2: The Dreaded Colonoscopy Appointment
Speaking of thresholds, nothing says “welcome to the golden years” quite like scheduling your first colonoscopy. The indignity of it all! I remember when my doctor first suggested it. I nearly choked on my coffee. “A colonoscopy? Really?” It’s one of those moments that makes you want to shout, “Let me off this ride!”
But instead, you quietly schedule the appointment and hope for the best. (All kidding aside, get checked people! It’s important and almost as easy as getting your teeth cleaned. Well… except for the “pre-cleansing” part.)
#3: Other Health Invasions
Calling the nurse line for a random symptom is another adventure in aging. They asked me if my husband noticed that I was having any memory problems. My response? “Why would you ask him? He’s the one with the memory issues!” That got a good laugh, but still, it was a sobering moment. Dementia? Already?
The relentless pursuit of good health brings its own set of challenges. Shingles shots, COVID boosters, and the joy of getting your boobs smashed in a yearly mammogram. I am no longer surprised when doctors find something wrong with me. At least we have chair yoga and Tai Chi, right?
Read more: Why Tai Chi is Amazing for the Health and Happiness of Older Women.
#4: The Perks and Perils of Senior Discounts
You know you’re getting old when you can walk up to certain restaurant counters and proudly claim your senior discount. I’m at an age where I’ll say, “I’m sure you can’t believe I’m old enough!” They just look nervous and smile, half shake and nod their head.
Then you go shopping on Senior Citizen Day, and the cashier gives you the discount without even asking. At first, it stings a little, like, “What a rude move!” But then you realize, “At least I’m saving money.”
Read more: 9 Senior Travel Discounts to Keep an Eye Out for on Your Next Holiday.
#5: I Have a “Grandma” Name
One day, I had a startling realization about names. It seems like all the “Sue’s” of my generation have officially become old ladies. The friends I went to school with – Lisa, Monica, Nancy, and Kim – have names that young mothers today wouldn’t dream of giving their babies.
But my grandmas’ names? Oh, those are back in style. Names like Evelyn, Edith, and Agatha are being recycled. What fresh madness is this? When did my friends and I become relics of a bygone era while names that used to belong to women in orthopedic shoes and floral dresses are now considered chic and trendy for newborns? Ickers.
#6: Shower Strategy and Foot Neglect
Even simple daily routines take on a new level of complexity. Planning out a shower to avoid falling and potentially breaking something? Check. Giving up on doing your toenails yourself because bending over is just too much effort, and, honestly, who’s looking at your feet anyway? Check. These are the moments when you realize your body has become a high-maintenance machine that you’re not entirely sure how to operate anymore.
#7: I Don’t Understand Young People
Nothing highlights the generational gap like watching preteen girls on TikTok and Instagram share their skincare routines. This is a whole new level of absurdity. When did children start worrying about wrinkles?
A few months ago, I was walking around a Target Store, and I overheard a girl who was maybe 11. She was frantically begging her mom to buy her this Regenerating Collagen Peptide Face Moisturizer. That cream was behind a locked glass door. The price: $149.
After that life altering experience, I posted a snarky and apparently unwatchable parody of a makeup tutorial on YouTube as part of my podcast. It is about using Crayola Markers to help aging women on a budget to apply makeup in a whole new way. I was a teacher and have lots of leftover markers. I thought it was funny, okay? It got seven views. SEVEN!
Here it is, if you want to see it: Marker Make-up.
Meanwhile, a tweenager named Daya with luminescent perfect skin, is nearing 2 million subscribers sharing her beauty tips. I’m not jealous of her; I am just confused.
#8: Fashion Faux Pas
Remember when you cared about fashion? Yeah, me neither. These days, it’s all about comfort. High heels and tight clothes are a distant memory, replaced by elastic pants and slip-on tennis shoes. And when you’re at the age where you just don’t care about societal norms, you rock that look with pride. “Hey millennials, don’t tell me to put my crew socks back on. I’ll wear whatever stinking socks I want!”
But when my sons got married, I wanted to dress like a queen, but I faced one of the biggest indignities of all. As I shopped for dresses online, I noticed that all the models for these classy garments were 20-year-old girls. Sigh.
Read more: Mother of the Groom Outfits for Over 60s.
While I am on this topic of fashion blunders, I need to say something: cutting bangs is not a mistake for everyone. Bangs are cheap cosmetic surgery for your forehead. Hire a professional to cut them, and your life will be better for it.
Read more: 12 Hairstyles with Bangs for Older Women.
#9: Nightly Bathroom Trips
A good night’s sleep is a thing of the past. If I only get up twice to use the bathroom, it’s a small victory. My doctor says I’m supposed to drink water all day long, and lots of it because kidney stones aren’t funny. I’ve had them twice, and the main advice you get is, “drink more water!”
I think I will write an article for you about those little suckers. I will find the humor somehow. But for now, I will keep making my nightly trips to the bathroom.
Read more: We Can’t Stop Aging – But Let’s Do It Fashionably and on Our Terms.
#10: Pap Smears and Birth Control: The Silver Lining
One surprising perk of aging for women is no longer needing to worry about pap smears or birth control. There’s a certain freedom that comes with knowing your childbearing days are firmly in the past. No more monthly “fun” toiletries or the panic of a missed period.
Getting pregnant at this age would be nothing short of a miracle – or a plot twist in a daytime soap opera. Pap smears? The doctors are like, “No thanks, we don’t need to check anymore.” It’s a strange, almost liberating feeling to be told you can retire from those health checks.
#11: The Final Straw: Peanut Butter Jar Injuries
The ultimate indignity? Hurting yourself doing mundane tasks like… sleeping. A comic strip my brother sent me perfectly captured this: a young guy broke his arm from a fall off his house, a middle-aged guy got the same injury by slipping on grass, and an older man by trying to open a peanut butter jar. It’s funny because it’s true.
As we age, we adapt. We find humor in the absurdities and embrace the inevitable changes with as much grace as we can muster. So, here’s to the senior discounts, the orthotics, and the daily reminders that aging is both a challenge and a privilege. And to those young whippersnappers on YouTube, just wait. Your time will come.
Go ahead, call me “ma’am.” I’ve earned it.
Sixty & Me Editor’s Note: What Our Readers Are Saying
It’s clear this piece resonated deeply with our readers. The comments section quickly filled with laughter, shared stories, and heartfelt appreciation. Many of you said you felt like the author had been reading your mind.
Many readers described the piece as “refreshingly real,” “hilarious,” and “spot on.” A popular theme? Relief, knowing these aging moments happen to others, too, and that we’re all in this together.
If you haven’t already, drop by the comments section. Share your own ‘aha’ aging moments or the unexpected freedoms this decade has gifted you. Because no matter what age we are, it helps to see ourselves in someone else’s funny, real-life journey.
Read more: Aging Out or Just Getting Started? 5 Ways the World Makes Me Feel Invisible – and Why I’m Not Going Quietly.
Please Join the Conversation:
What are you happy to be rid of now that you’re past 60? What new challenges are you facing? Are you trying to find the humor in most life situations? Can you share the last time something age-related happened that you later found funny?
Tags Humor
Such a fun post! I haven’t had a pap smear in years!! Oh how I hated those things and now they are a distant memory. Susan – if you are new to blogging, keep up the good work. Most entertaining and a fun reminder of the particulars of being in our Third Act of Life!
Thanks Denise!
Great article, true and full of humor. I really enjoyed reading it..
I have always been a late bloomer. I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 18, I started my period 1 and even 2 years later than my friends. I had no aspirations for children or a career or even marriage. I just couldn’t see it. I never had self confidence in myself. I did not do well in school because of that. I never felt like an adult until I passed 30. Then life changed!
I met a man who saw my potential, he was not a boyfriend. He was my boss. Long story short he mentored me and I ended up the General manager of 3 hotels. During that time I met a wonderful man who didn’t want to be married again and could not have children. I was OK with that.
Then at 40 I started to go through menopause! Too early I thought. I changed. All of a sudden I regretted not having a child, not being married. My lovely boyfriend who was 14 years older than I told me it was time for me to go off and find a person who wanted the things I did. He was right.
I met a man and became pregnant at 41 and had my child at 42. Life was hectic for an older Mom but just as hectic as for the younger ones. I was the oldest mother all through preschool, elementary and high school. I kept myself in shape and aware if the fashion trends etc so my child would not be embarrassed by an old lady Mom. I did a good job of that she says! Lol
Then she flew the coop! I had a goid job where I interacted with different people everyday. I loved my job. I turned 65 and they said I could work on as long as I felt like it.
Then at 71, 2 cute young things, a sister act came to work where I was working. Suddenly it was being insinuated around the workplace that I was too old. They were undermining me because they wanted my position and my my work area. No one believed me. Those others who worked with me saw it happening and no one would listen to them either.
Long story short…..I walked out at the end of a shift and never went back. I could run circles around those 2. My normal reaction would be to let it go and retire quietly into the sunset.
I took a weekend to think about it but I was so damn mad at being called old I took them to task! It took me 2 years but ‘age discrimination’ and ‘constructive dismissal’ are serious allegations in Canada. The end result : that company will NEVER allow that to happen again…ever!
I am now 64, I have the experience, the maturity to attempt anything I want. Apparently I still look pretty good’fir my age’. I let very little hold me back. I feel 35 and I live that feeling of still being a ‘young’ older woman. I dress in fashion, have not yet succumbed to the comfortable shi’ syndrome. My clothes are no longer tight but fit well and I can still rock a pair if heels.. just not for 16 hours anymore!
When I meet a young sales person I do not give them the chance to call me Dear etc. I call them dearie ir sweeti first.
Life is still an adventure. Don’t let yourself get old!
I’m confused. How can you now be 64 if you left your job at 71?
I am keeping a sense of humor about life period, now that I know I have the choice. I am thrilled that I care less about what people think about me today. I love life and all that comes with growing older, but never old. I did have a challenge at my last job. Everyone there was between 35 and 52 year old. I had the challenge of learning four different computer systems. After a year I was terminated due the number of errors they said I made. One comment that was made was on the job: I hope I look as good as her when I’m her age.
remember in that dr’s office that you are paying them. i have an aversion to anyone dictating what i do when they haven’t exhibited a great share of patient care in my rural area where dr’s come and go with the harvests to higher paying ground
example: it took me 19 months with an HMO to get a referral to look into my leg after a car accident (true story). one cancelled after i’d waited 10 months for him (my initial PCP’s had gone to higher ground to the count of 3 or 4 in a row) one went on a LOA, and a three month wait further for a quack. so 12 months to figure out for myself what happened, and still waiting 3 more months for someone to read the x-rays – whatever was fixable has now become what is
i accept that. but when something so obvious (i couldn’t walk without a walking stick since a month after the collision, but – having no doctor, had no one to look at it and relate it to the accident. i did see my last PCP, but she didn’t ask if anything had happened, just Rx’d three new meds an left town
so when they want to look inside at trendy or age probable somethings? not until i’m satisfied with what i came in for, no. so does my blood pressure go up in there? you betcha. so that’s their focus. and i still can’t walk.
so ‘no’ to #2 or anything else you don’t want to pay for with dr’s. if you have a good one, i’m very happy for you. i’m also happy for me, who had enough of a safety net to retire at 62. so we can all be happy, but i’m not here to make the dr’s happy and self-satisfied. i am the patient and i am the payor. remember that, you guys. it’s important.