Making Peace with Your Adult Children When Things Haven’t Turned Out the Way You Expected
Let’s just say it: This isn’t how you thought it would be.
You didn’t imagine your child avoiding your calls.
You didn’t picture a strained holiday dinner, or worse, an empty seat.
You didn’t expect silence, tension, or unspoken resentments.
And yet – here you are.
You raised them with love. You sacrificed more than you ever said out loud. You showed up. You tried. And now, your relationship with your adult child feels uncertain, disappointing, or even nonexistent.
It hurts. Deeply.
And that hurt is valid.
You’re Allowed to Grieve What You Expected
There’s a quiet kind of heartbreak when things with your grown kids don’t turn out how you hoped.
And while the world talks a lot about parenting babies and toddlers, there’s not nearly enough conversation about what it feels like to lose emotional connection with the adult child you raised.
But here’s the truth:
You are still allowed to find peace.
Even in this.
Especially in this.
Here’s How You Start Making Peace
1. Tell Yourself the Truth – Without Blame
You don’t have to pretend it doesn’t hurt. And you don’t have to take full responsibility for how it turned out. Some of this is about your child’s path, not your parenting.
2. Accept That Closure May Not Come on Your Timeline
Reconnection might happen – but it might not. Peace doesn’t mean pretending. It means learning to live honestly without letting pain steal your entire present.
3. Take Your Hands Off Their Process
You can’t fix them. You can’t control their emotional battles. You can love from a distance, but their growth, their healing, their choices – those are theirs to carry.
4. Speak Your Truth If the Door Is Open
If your child is willing to talk, share your heart calmly and clearly. “I know things feel strained. I still love you. I’m open to rebuilding, if and when you are.”
5. Live Your Life, Even with the Ache
This may sound harsh, but it’s necessary: Don’t let a strained relationship keep you from the rest of your life. You still have beauty to find, joy to discover, people to love, and adventures to say yes to.
Peace Isn’t Perfect – but It’s Possible
Peace doesn’t mean you’re “over it.”
It means you’ve stopped waiting for someone else to give you permission to live.
If reconciliation comes, beautiful.
If it doesn’t, you can still write a new story.
You can still be a good mother.
You can still be a whole woman.
You can still be at peace – with yourself and the season you’re in.
Also read, Why Mom Guilt Lingers – and What to Do with It Now.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Are you struggling with your relationships with your adult children? You are not alone. Let’s share our stories here.
Tags Adult Children
Thank you, everyone for these incredible responses. I do wonder about these therapists who tell their client that they are so entitled.
I’m going through the same thing. It feels harder because I am single. Does that resonate with anyone else? I also do not have a support system up here in the northeast; it is very hard to make close friends here after 70.
I wish this column would continue weekly. I actually feel heard here. Thank you.
Maggie, that does resonate with me (single, divorced when my daughter was 18–I waited til she was going t college; I’m 66 years old, but I do have a partner who also has problems with his daughter too!).
I agree, very hard to make friends at our age. I feel heard here, too. Just sorry so many of us are going through this. Really a LOT of people. Thank you!
So friends, I’m writing a book on adult estrangement. There is so much I can say in such a book but I don’t want to just go on and on about my pain and yours or the past hurts. What’s one subject on estrangement you would like to see covered in my book? I want my book to be deeply caring and deeply healing so that my sister readers will be able to walk with heads high, healed and thriving in the lives that we are building.
I will share my website as soon as it is live.
This is great! I look forward to reading it. 4 or 5 items that might be of interest:
Liz P,
I’m on the same page with you fully relate to all your posts. This does seem to be an epidemic. It’s so refreshing to find a place where parents (Moms!) can vent and share our experiences. There’s so much media coverage from the adult child’s perspective endorsing estrangement. My daughter is 55 and “considers me dead.” No chance of reconciliation.
I look forward to following all of you here and Elyse’s book.
Thank you Christine for broaching this isolating and painful subject.
Thanks Suzanne–me too, So happy we have this space to discuss it and not feel so alone.
Elyse, this is exciting! Please do share all the details. Many here would likely share their stories as well. Keep us updated.
Thank you for all these responses. It saddens me that there are so many of us!
I’d like to invite you to connect with me at http://www.realmomlife.com. I have a little freebie there called Second Act Soul Check In. It gives you some ideas about assessing and moving on from a painful season in life. I hope it blesses you!
I’d also invite you to check out the other articles I have published here on Sixty and Me. Several are on this topic.. Sixty and Me.
Regardles of where you are on this journey, you’re not alone!
Grace and peace,
Christine
A million thank you for this very important article and topic that is rarely discussed. We birth our children and love them and do our very best but in the end their journey and path is their own. My goodness it took my almost 20 years and a lot of therapy to figure this out and be ok with it. Our 40 year old daughter suffers from sever mental illness and over the past 20 years has had some stability but is more often very ill, unable to successfully manage her life and more. Early on we tried our best to “help and guide” her but in the end she chose her own path for which we are no longer responsible. We truly love her but she is too highly unstable to be around. Our son is also a “free spirit” with a disability who is a struggling yet brilliant musician but lives independently and has chosen his path. We have a fine relationship with him but see him infrequently as we live miles apart. As parents we have the best hopes for our kids but these are actually OUR hopes and plans not necessarily theirs nor how things actually spell out. We learned to love them deeply but actually just “let them go” with love.
What a timely article! I have my 49 year old son living with me as he is between abodes. This is supposed to be temporary, but I have really he end of my tether. I’ve welcomed him and gave him my bedroom to sleep in as I had a small one bedroom flat. Over time I have discovered that he’s stealing from me and if I ask where things are he gets very angry and accuses me of imagining things! It’s got to where I need to ask him to go. I feel intimidated by him and can’t sleep at night. I can’t believe what a nightmare I’m living in!
yes, so many parents are living with difficult situations- it’s so common.
I often wonder how it’s come to this. I divorced his father over 20 years ago and his father won’t have anything to do with him, so I’ve felt I must make him welcome. My other children are not like this – they avoid their brother as much as they can, due to his difficult nature.
Any tips would be welcome!
You do NOT have to have a thief in your own home. Not ever. No matter who it is. And indeed, you don’t ever have to let ANYONE into your own home if you don’t wish. It is YOUR home. The invitation you issued has to be rescinded.
Because you feel intimidated by him, maybe ask a couple of close friends (ideally a male among them), or people from your church if you have one, to be with you when you tell him to leave. Set it up so that they can stay with you until he is actually gone, has taking his things and left, so he can’t harm you. He will try to stall and get rid of them, but don’t let that happen. If your other kids live in the area, ask them for help.
Alternatively, call adult protective services in your area and get advice and help. Tell them you are afraid, that he has been stealing, and you need help getting him out, Sometimes they are slow or not as helpful, depending on wher you live nad how busy they are. . If you have an attorney, with whom you have a good reltionship. call him or her and get advice on what to do.
As a more drastic resort, you can have a police officer ome and escort him out; tel them he has been intimidating you and stealing from you, and no, you are NOT crazy. Maybe have friends there for support when you do this.
As a final resort, wait until he has gone out and will be out for a while, call a locksmith as an emergency; gather his things quickly, and put his things out on the porch when the locksmith comes, and have the locksmith change your locks. You can explain tot he locksmith what is going on. Then if your son tries to come back in, call the police as he will be a trespasser.
Ideally having friends there and making him leave right then will work. If he says he has no place to go, give him the number of a local hotel.
Do NOT tolerate it!
We actually have a restraining order against our daughter so we can see her daughter, our granddaughter, whom she cannot see as she is highly unstable. So sad but what is necessary at this point. We pray she will again seek care and be back in our lives.