What the Rearview Mirror Reveals at Christmastime
The Rearview Mirror is a series born from age, clarity, and the courage to finally say the quiet parts out loud. It’s about looking back not to reopen old wounds, but to understand them – and in this particular installment the feelings that return every December. It’s about revisiting the seasons, the rituals, and the moments that shaped us.
Read the first installment in this series here:
The Rearview Mirror: Revisiting December
I have been waiting to write this. I think I have been avoiding the inevitable roller coaster of emotions I experience every December since 1992. That was the year my beloved mother passed – December 10, to be exact. I have written about this many times through blogs and articles, yet each year brings its own mix of reflection, nostalgia, and grief.
December 1992 marked a personal awakening for me. I had heard of it vaguely as a very young woman, but that year I experienced it firsthand. I remember my mother feeling a bit sad at this time of year, especially on Christmas Eve. One year, I asked her why the tears? There were boundless presents under the tree, the smell of fresh-baked goods filled the air, and tomorrow would bring friends and family to the dinner table.
She explained that while she experienced tremendous joy at Christmas, she also felt a profound sadness. She missed her parents, especially her mom, and nothing could ever fill that void. The pain was organic – a truth we all eventually experience as we journey through life.
We All Have Expectations
For me, the holiday season is now a mixed bag of emotions and always will be, as I am sure it is for many of you. The expectations the season imposes can be hard to navigate. Every year is different. Social and professional obligations force fun onto us. We are expected to put on a happy face when it may be the last thing we want to do. We often spend more than we should, not on special indulgences, but to meet social expectations, doing the “right thing” at any cost.
For some, the holiday season also carries professional and financial anxiety. When I worked in corporate America, December often brought trepidation, as layoffs, performance reviews, and lack of bonuses became increasingly common. I was laid off from a job I had held for over 10 years at this time of year, an experience that remains with me to this day. I have many friends still navigating the corporate grind with fear, and I feel their anticipated pain each December. The Holidays can be a reminder of the unpredictability and fragility of our lives and careers.
Many Carry Pain
For many, the holiday season sadly has never been a purely happy or nostalgic place, but rather a painful flashback – a time to relive what some would rather forget. Not every childhood was idyllic; not every tree (if there even was one) presided proudly over colorfully wrapped packages; not everyone had a meal to eat, and not everyone felt loved. It is a reality of the season and a reflection of everyday life. Unfortunately, it is part of the human condition, a result of living in a world where fairness and opportunity are often illusions for many.
A Tradition We Have Forgotten
One tradition that speaks to the passing of time is the sending of Christmas cards. My mother, deeply religious, always sat down on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception – December 8 – to write her Christmas cards. There were stacks of them, and many went beyond a simple salutation and “Merry Christmas.”
She wrote personal messages to so many of her friends and relatives, taking her time, without hesitation. It was an almost sacred ritual. Back then, if you did not hear from someone at Christmas time, it often meant there had been a loss in their family that year – an unspoken acknowledgment of grief. I no longer send out cards, opting instead for electronic wishes, and over the years, the circle of relatives and friends has shrunk with each passing season.
Collective Sense of the Holidays
There was also something magical about watching holiday classics on one channel at one time. Families across the country tuned in together – there was no streaming or on-demand. Everyone watched A Charlie Brown Christmas at the same moment, sharing the same moments of laughter and reflection, creating a collective sense of holiday presence that is hard to replicate today.
And of course, the food was amazing – how could it not be? My father was Italian, and we all know how amazing Italian food is, and my mother being of Armenian descent the food was different but equally amazing.
Every year my mother would take me on the train to NYC to see the Radio City Christmas show, visit dad at his office, shop at the Armenian food store and visit St. Patrick’s Cathedral and St. Vartan Armenian Apostolic Cathedral. My mother would always take a small piece of straw from the nativity scene and tuck it into her purse to keep throughout the year. I, of course, started to do the same.
Today, it is even harder to live up to holiday happiness expectations. Social media floods our feeds with “perfect” families, HGTV homes, and abundance on steroids. Intellectually, we know about IG filters and orchestrated FB posts, yet it is hard not to let some of it in. After all, we are only human.
The Clear Rear View
As we grow older, and with more holiday seasons behind us than ahead, the rearview mirror offers a clear view of what we have gained, what we have lost, and how much the world has changed. Nostalgia is inevitable. I remember a world without cell phones or the Internet, when letters arrived with excitement, landline calls required patience, and the anticipation of a visit or a card was magical.
Today, our porches are often flooded with Amazon boxes, a far cry from the anticipation of carefully chosen gifts arriving by hand or mail. Decorations were imaginative, not curated for Pinterest or Instagram. Family gatherings took effort, and the slow pace brought a kind of magic that is harder to find today.
Even amid these changes, the rearview mirror reminds us of continuity. The essence of the season remains: reflection, gratitude, and connection. For some, it is also a spiritual reminder of birth, renewal, and hope. The holidays invite us to embrace both joy and sorrow simultaneously, honoring what has been lost while celebrating what remains.
Some Gains, Some Losses
This year, for me, carries another new layer. As I wrote in my recent piece When Faith Falters, my belief in a higher power has been hit with a blow in ways I never expected. This Christmas will undoubtedly mirror some of that loss. But I sincerely hope the new year will help me find my way back to believing again.
It is not my intent to depress, but to validate your feelings and open the door to all emotions. Above all, this is a time to be kind to yourself and practice self-care. In my work as a life coach, I see firsthand how deeply this season can weigh on people. Many of my clients carry quiet pain, unresolved grief, or complicated memories as the Holidays approach – reminders that none of us are alone in our struggles. Please take comfort in that.
As this December unfolds, let us view this time through a new lens. Yes, it is a time to look ahead, but with realistic expectations. Be gentle with yourself. Handle what you can, change what you want, and accept what you cannot. Do not compare. Embrace your imperfections. Love who you are. Enjoy the time you were gifted. And each day, carve out your living legacy – even as the rearview mirror gently reminds you of the Holidays that have passed.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What do the Holidays mean to you? Are there more losses or more gains to count this year?
Tags Holidays
This year has not been entirely happy for us. My husband was made to retire in May which came as a shock as he thought he was in his job for another 2 years (4 months later he went back as a contractor, but it was a very uncertain time for us as we had no income during that period). His father then died in July which was a very expensive time for us as we live overseas and had all the costs of having to make 2 trips home at very short notice, hotel expenses etc. We don’t have a good relationship with husband’s family so it was very stressful, but these things happen.
I’m just got over the second virus I’ve had in 2 months, this is the first day I’ve felt human in a fortnight and I’m behind with all my Christmas preparations (even just with 2 of us I like to make it a special even).
However, the flipside is I’m thinking about people who have little hope or no money at Christmas. the homeless, frightened children in place of conflict, the list goes on. I realise for me I can move on and make 2026 better than 2025, that I have a lot to be thankful for and the simplest of things that cost little or nothing make me happy.
My father of 97 years passed away 6 days ago. I write as I am flying across country to children and grandchildren for Christmas in 3 days. I’m grateful for his years – mostly- and for his smooth passing declining quickly in 6 days. Complicated but very optimistic. I don’t feel the expectations crowding me as usual. I’m wary but eager for sharing what can be good with my family. Hopeful. Grateful.
Every Christmas I can’t help remembering that my Mom and Dad and all of my 4 siblings are gone. But, as I prepare for a beautiful holiday with my husband’s Mom and sister and my beautiful children their spouses and my grandchildren, my heart is bursting with joy.
For some reason this year I am feeling the loss of my mother even harder. It was three years on 12/3 that she passed. She did so much for everyone at the holidays and worked hard to make the season merry. The clarity I am feeling now is making me feel sad and wishing that I had given her more help. I also see now how lonely she was when the holidays became less festive. This has never been my favorite time of year and I look forward to the new year for new possibilities and to start anew.
Lovely message.