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Dating Is a Small World So Think Before You Speak… Harshly

By Michele Burghardt January 25, 2024 Dating

Buckle up ladies, this is a story and a half!!! I had two dates with a guy named Bob, which may or may not be his real name! We met on Match and talked on the phone before we met in real life. The conversation was fun so off we went.

We met for lunch, and I wasn’t impressed when I saw him wearing a pair of semi-work jeans, t-shirt, and tennis shoes. I was in jeans, but looked casually cute, which means I made an effort.

Surprisingly, We Had a Blast

The conversation was good, we had tons in common, and there was chemistry even though he didn’t dress to impress. He asked me if there would be a second date, and I responded, “Yes, if you promise to wear a collared shirt.” I didn’t mean to say that. It simply slipped out, and I apologized for it later.

He admitted that he didn’t know how to dress and asked me if I would go shopping with him.

“Absolutely, that would be fun,” I replied.

The next weekend we spent eight hours together. We didn’t go shopping but had dinner, went wine tasting, and then back to my house. No sex, but we did get cozy. I really liked him because our core values aligned, and we could talk about anything. There was never a lull in the conversation, and we laughed and had a good time.

Neither one of us said it specifically, but we both felt that we were going to give this a chance to develop into something special.

And Then the Other Shoe Dropped

Bob called me the next week and told me he wanted to talk about some things. “I want to be honest with you,” he said. That scared me because I thought maybe he was married.

No, he wasn’t married. Instead, he was a jerk. He told me, at great length, how much more comfortable I would feel if I lost some weight. And how all the women he dated were fit, and how I should join him for his workouts with his trainer, and on and on. What????? This was a first for me.

I ended the conversation, and five minutes later sent him a text telling him if he didn’t like who I was today, we weren’t as good of a fit as I thought we were, and I wished him luck. I’m always polite when I end things because I know how small the dating world is.

Fast Forward to the Next Week

So, the next week I’m out with girlfriends and share this story because it’s too hilarious not to. And of course, I got the expected, ‘what a jerk’ reaction. A little later in the conversation, my single friend tells me she has a date for the upcoming weekend.

I’m happy for her and ask her what she likes about the man. We live in Missouri, and she tells me that one interesting thing they have in common is that they both own rental property in Waco, Texas. Then I ask, “What’s his name?” And you guessed it, his name is Bob, and he is the same man who told me I was fat.

I shared that aloud, and the table erupted in laughter. To make sure, my friend described him and told me what she knew about him and yep, it was him. What are the chances that this could ever happen?? St. Louis, Missouri isn’t a huge metropolitan area, but it is the 20th largest city in the United States. Talk about a Casablanca moment.

I was so happy I ended things nicely because there is nothing negative he could say about me when they meet. I was glad too that I could warn my friend, but I felt bad for her.

Even though she was happy to know how judgmental he was ahead of time, I was sad for her. First dates are so hopeful. You hope you like the man, and for her that question was answered before they even met. She’s thinner than I am, maybe it will be okay for her.

You Have to Know What You’re Looking for

In order to meet a man who is perfect for you, you must be willing to walk away if someone isn’t a good fit. You will always be enough for the right man. Dating men who don’t treat you well is simply a waste of time, and keeps you too busy to find Mr. Right. And that’s a recipe for an unhappy love life.

My friend is keeping her date with Bob for the fun of it. She’s a firecracker so I wish I was a fly on the wall to listen in. I’m doing an interview with her after her date as a wrap up to this love lesson so be sure to join my email list here if you want to watch it.

As far as me, yes it hurt a pinch, but I won’t even remember his name in another week. I’m open and ready to find love anywhere that takes me, and that’s what I want for you too. Love only blooms in an open heart.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have you ever dated the same man as one of your friends? What did you think when you learned about it? What about dating someone who proved to be insensitive and judgmental toward your weight or some other quality?

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Deb

I don’t think he is a jerk. He offered you to join him & his trainer.
He asked very nicely.
You complained about how he dressed, because according to you, the collar of his shirt matters to you & that is ok,
it doesn’t matter to everybody. Certainly not me. That doesn’t make me right or wrong or a jerk nor him.
I’m just saying, sounds to me like you took offense.
You are self-conscious about being overweight. You could’ve just asked him if he’s OK with you being overweight because you’re not gonna do anything about it or you can’t. Just trying to be fair here . I’m curious how others see this situation. I think honesty is important and tactfully said of course.

Last edited 1 month ago by Deb
Karen

Asking someone to change a part of themselves to that degree is a huge red flag – I don’t care how nicely he “asked” her. This is a red flag displayed by someone who is most likely a narcissist. Kudos to her for recognizing he was crossing a boundary and ditching him.

Hobie

I’m a bit heavy myself. I haven’t liked the men I met on first dates although texting on the site went well. I never heard from them and I’m glad they saved me from saying NO! Oh and they were very heavy!

Michele Burghardt

Hi Hobie, Sometimes it’s hard to tell from texting if there is any possibility. I like to have a phone call first if I can to see if I like them enough to meet. That may short- cut some of your so-so dates. Best of luck. xxoo

Michele Burghardt

Hi Karen,
The real red flag was wondering what would be the next thing he didn’t like about me. We’re all enough for the right man. Thanks so much for your comment. xxoo Michele

Gerry

I agree, Deb. I too am not attracted /at all/ to heavy women. And with Ozempic available now, it’s fixable!

Michele Burghardt

Hi Gerry, thanks for your comment and best of luck!

Michele Burghardt

Hi Deb, thanks so much for your comment. I enjoy the comments as well. Wishing you all the best. xxoo, Your Dating Coach, Michele Burghardt

Sharon

I am in agreement. I would have said that I would love to work out with him. If it went further and I still like him then great. If I found when training with him that he was too controlling I would have said goodbye but kept up with training. It would depend on how he told me in the first time.

The future love of my life showed up on the first date in a t-shirt, jeans and boots. I thought…OK? Let’s see how this works out. He took me to a Legion way on the other side of town and introduced me to 2 old veterans he had met in the hospital 3 weeks before. I thought ‘what a great guy’. The next date he told me to get dressed up he was taking me to an event downtown. He showed up in a tuxedo and that was it. We were together for 35 years. Clothes can be deceiving. She should have given him a second chance! Mine was worth it!

Lori

I think he should have waited a while to talk about her weight ‘problem’ or just nicely moved on. He said he wanted to talk seriously about it, showing her he wasn’t ok with her. When you barely know someone, I think this is a huge red flag because no one wants to be over weight but from someone who has had to work very hard at it since I was 14 then finally losing the war in my 50’s, I would feel hurt if they confronted me like that without really knowing what my life style is. I’m not real big, but I’m self conscious because I’d much prefer to be smaller. Some people have shaky metabolisms, he was just weighing his options so I’d a did the same thing.

Last edited 1 month ago by Lori
Michele Burghardt

Hi Sharon, I loved your love story. I’m so glad you found happiness. Thanks for your comment. It’s always nice to hear differents points of view. Wishing you happiness. xxoo Michele

Linda R Seay

I think I have an even funnier experience. I meet a gentleman on Facebook dating. We texted and emailed back and forth a few times and decided to meet up for brunch. I looked him up on Facebook as I’m sure he did me and found out he was a bit older but quite active, worked out, went fishing etc. Also, he was an ex-professional athlete! We met for brunch; conversation is good. Then he asked how I felt about Magic??? Of course, this threw me, and I asked if he was talking about Music. He said no Magic, he was a Magician! I told him that I never really thought about it. So, he proceeded to pull a deck of cards out of his pocket and started doing card tricks. You know, “pick a card any card” type of thing. He did about 5 card tricks until I had to stop him. Of course, I knew this wasn’t going to go anywhere. I think I hurt his feelings when I asked him to stop. He quickly got up, didn’t help me put my coat on and said something to the fact that we might meet again, and I think went to the washroom. I got in my car and asked myself what just happened? I left and never heard from him again! Lol!!!

Michele Burghardt

Hi Linda
I’m so sorry that happened, that had to feel weird. Not to worry, you’ll never miss out on something that was meant to be. I hope you’re still out there having fun. xxoo Michele

Lisa

The only man who truly and wholeheartedly accepted and liked me for me, I ended up marrying! He was a breath of fresh air after dating men who wanted to mold me into their ideal partner.

Lotus

Well said ☺️

Michele Burghardt

Thanks for joining in the conversation Lotus! xxoo Michele

Michele Burghardt

Hi Lisa

I’m so glad you found your someone special.The real joy of relaitonships is celebrating each other’s differences and exploring your commonalities. That’s what make love so intimate. xxoo

Joyce

Ladies, do NOT settle! If someone doesn’t like you for YOU, move on. There is Mr. Right out there waiting for you. Our lives at this stage are too precious to waste.

Tata

Totally agree Joyce, at this stage too precious time to waste!!!

Michele Burghardt

Hi Tata, thanks so much for joining in on the conversation. Best of luck! xxoo

Evelyn

I so agree

Sandy Tarbet

Don’t leave the “relationship” or friendship, whatever you call it, on a negative note. Be nice. Like you were. If you aren’t a fit, fine, say it was nice to meet you, good luck, etc. Don’t leave nasty.

Michele Burghardt

Hi Sandy, that really is my motto. I never want to be mean or spiteful. It dims my light and that’s not good for any one. Thanks for your note. xxoo

Michele Burghardt

Hi Evelyn
Thanks so much for joining in on the conversation. Wishing you love and light! xoo

Lotus

I also agree 👍

Gerry

. There is Mr. Right out there waiting for you

Probably not. The stats are against you. The US Census Bureau estimates that each year, out of every 1,000 widowed men and women ages 65 and older, only 3 women (0.3%) and 17 (1.7%) men remarry (Clarke, 1995)

Michele Burghardt

Gerry, We can only find love if we look for love. And it only blooms in an open heart. I love believing in love, it empowers me to trust myself to find happiness. Thanks for joining in the conversation. Best of luck. xxoo

Michele Burghardt

Hi Joyce, yes time does take on a different perspective at this stage of life. I’m so glad you’re dating with an open heart. Best of luck! xxoo

Deb

Growing up, I had always struggled with feeling self-conscious about my weight. So, when I was married at 20 to my first husband, his hurtful words cut deep. One day, during an argument, he called me a “fckng fat bowl of Jello.” I was around 139 lbs then, and those words amplified my insecurities.

Over the years, I realized this wasn’t the only way he undermined my confidence. He would “correct” my choices in books, magazines, and music. Ultimately, I decided to leave and pursue a divorce.

Today, at 64 years old, I have been happily with my current husband for 32 years. He is the epitome of kindness.

Michele Burghardt

Hi Deb, what a beautiful chapter in your story. I’m so happy for you. Keep the love alive my friend. Thanks for the note. xxoo

DebraLynn WA

Changed my name a bit, I see another Deb posted above. I am now DebraLynnWA, same person at 64 still insecure about her weight!

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The Author

Michele Burghardt is an author, speaker, and dating coach for women 50 and over with 20 + years of experience in the self-help area. She believes loving yourself is the first step to finding love. You can learn more about her transformational coaching style and her book at www.DateGreatGuys.com.

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