The Detachment Wall: How to Let Go of Your Adult Children
Some of us moms have a problem with our attachment to our children, to the point where the bond can become unhealthy.
Can we love our children but not let their choices or behavior make us crazy? Is some detachment actually a good idea?
Is Detachment a Wall?
The idea of detaching from a person can seem terrifying. But is there a way to practice healthy detachment?
Another way of thinking about it is this – when we live detached, we are not placing a wall between us and others. Instead, we are examining our own expectations and dependencies.
With those in perspective, we are freer to love another person because the focus is shifted to them and is not solely on us.
With our adult children, though we love them unconditionally, we try to satisfy unmet needs in us:
- Our need to be needed.
- Our desire to nurture someone.
- Our desire to see that our work and love produces an effect – a child who loves us back.
What we often do is keep a picture in our minds of our child and how they will fulfill these needs and desires for us. What happens when that child rejects us? In my case, and for many other moms, we completely freak out!
What Went Wrong
When we are ‘good mothers,’ we begin to define ourselves by our mothering. While this can be positive and can encourage us to fulfill our role responsibly, by totally adopting that definition we can forget all the other aspects of ‘me.’
When we are our role, when that role is challenging, or when that role is over, what is left of ‘us’?
In dealing with estranged children, we still tend to look within ourselves. We ask ourselves what we did wrong. We obsess over every interaction and question whether we could have responded differently.
Read HOW TO DIVORCE YOUR ADULT CHILDREN AND RESTORE YOUR SANITY.
Also read HOW TO DEAL WITH HAVING AN ESTRANGED ADULT CHILD.
This Monday-morning quarterbacking neglects some basic facts about humans:
You Can’t Control Other People
We surely have influence over our children, but we do not mold them like clay. When they don’t turn out the way we planned, we neglect this fundamental truth.
The Power of Letting Go: How to drop everything that’s holding you back on Amazon
You Can’t Rely on Your Children for Your Happiness
We may have looked ahead to our golden years and seen ourselves surrounded by loving grandchildren. This neglects another fundamental truth: People change. If we rely on other people for our happiness, we may be disappointed.
My source of joy and happiness is an inside job, not dependent on the actions of others.
Find Your Joy: A Powerful Self-Care Journal to Help You Thrive on Amazon
Your Emptiness Is Yours to Fill Up
Your adult children don’t exist solely to fill the void of your unmet needs. Do you need the love and admiration of children and grandchildren to be happy? Perhaps meeting your own needs by loving yourself sufficiently will bring more peace and satisfaction.
Complete People Can Love Completely
I remember well the first time my young daughter gushed about a new boyfriend, saying, “He completes me!” We had many long talks deep into the night discussing how love can be real and true only when two people who are complete within themselves come together.
True love rejects the notion that the other exists solely to please you. True love is therefore not threatened when the other displeases you, because the love is not dependent on the other fulfilling your needs.
Having the other person conform to our desires so we will love them is manipulation, not love. Focusing on “what’s in it for me” is a death knell for true love.
Yet, as mothers, we sometimes forget that in our relating to our adult children. When we can view them with some detachment, when our reactions to them are no longer based on expectations or being dependent on them, we are then able to love them fully and freely.
Do not look at your adult child as completing you, giving you a fulfilled life, or meeting your needs. When you set those aside, you begin to understand love.
What to Do Now?
If you are a hurting mama, laid low in the dust by the estrangement of an adult child, what should you do now?
- Examine your feelings and thoughts. What does it feel like when attachment hurts? What thoughts are you thinking at the time? Can you begin to think differently?
- Be with others and love them, but don’t look to them as your source of happiness.
- Learn to be alone, not lonely. Loving ourselves enough that we can be our best companions is healthy.
- Quit blaming yourself for the state of the relationship. You didn’t and couldn’t control the outcome. Why beat yourself up?
Read WHEN PEOPLE ASK ABOUT MY ESTRANGED CHILDREN… WHAT CAN I SAY?
Here are a few more ideas to help you heal and let go.
- Journal – Writing or sketching your feelings and thoughts puts you in the moment and helps to get you out of your thoughts. Buy yourself a pretty journal and write in it whenever you feel overwhelmed, sad, or lonely.
- Find other mothers in the same boat – Join Facebook groups and share your stories with other women who are going through the same thing. Lift each other up and remember not to fall into the trap of wallowing and continuous negativity.
- Seek counseling or therapy – Look into talk therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy. Online websites like Better Help and Talk Space offer versatile and affordable access to therapists and counselors.
- Read empowering books such as:
Self-Love Workbook for Women: Release Self-Doubt, Build Self-Compassion, and Embrace Who You Are by Megan Logan on Amazon.
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chödron on Amazon
Keep Moving by Maggie Smith on Amazon
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz on Amazon
Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger and Christine A. Padesky on Amazon.
When we are not attached to any outcome in our relationships, then we can be free and happy. When the state of our internal life is more important than our external circumstances – there lies peace.
Read PARENTING ADULT CHILDREN CAN BE AGONY.
Also, MY ADULT CHILDREN CUT ME OUT OF THEIR LIFE.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you still find it hard to let go of your adult children? Or, do you still worry about them and take care of them more than you think you should? Please join the conversation below.
My 29 year old daughters four and a half year relationship has recently been ended by her boyfriend
She’s heartbroken
Am I’m feeling it for her
It’s made me anxious and depressed
I have a tendency to this anyway but this breakup has really hit me
Why
She’s an adult
How can i detach myself from this
Has anyone else ever felt this way
My 31 year old daughter has my only grandson. I work and live 2 hours away. I wanted to come for the day just to see him (and them) but she said they just want a relaxing weekend and I could come the end of month.
They spent the Friday at the other grandparents for dinner and the other grandmother babysit twice a week.
As much as I want to be ok with this it hurts, that will be 6 weeks without seeing him. He is only 1 and changes so much.
I feel resentment and don’t know how not to and definitely do wonder what I have said or done wrong.
They do have a small house and it is inconvenient for me to come i do understand that part. Just need words of wisdom from anyone.
Would you be able to ask her if you have done or said anything wrong ?
She is always very defensive im afraid to make any waves and risk losing my visit with grandson all together but thanks so much for your reply 😊
I can’t seem to let go of my adult children. When I try to tell my opinion, they tell me that they are grown . I know I should stop . I am a mom that is hurting . Can I plz get some advice on how to let them go . I need to detached my self and stop mothering my grown kids . Plz help
My 64 yr old boyfriend lives with his 30 yr old daughter and allows her not to work.,
Its like he’s trying to keep her young cuz she’s his baby girl but she’s 30!!! And never worked. I told him he should of push her out of the nest at least by 20 n make her get a job.
He said he can’t make her get a job. I told him he’s robbing her of her chance at independence n is doing more harm to her then good.
Does anybody see this situation riding like me?
This is a fantastic article. Really hit home with me. Thank you. I took your advice and started the inside job. I listed what my needs are as an individual human without including my son and grandchildren. For each need I listed 4 ways I could meet my own needs without my son and grandchildren. It ended up being some very basic stuff and none of it is impossible to accomplish. I stepped back from all the emotions surrounding my relationship with my son and listened for the underlying messages. I apologized to my son for letting him down when he was growing up and acknowledged my part in his struggle. I realize that no parent does everything right and we all give our children struggles. I recognized that the narrative between my son and myself is negative and on endless repeate. I told my son I am not participating in this narrative anymore because at some point everyone has to let go of the past: victor, villain or victim. I told my son that I love him and I know he loves me too. I believe that he is on the right path to learn and experience what he needs to in this life. I know he is struggling and I believe in his ability to find his own life path. I am 57 and my son is 35. Its time to move forward. Spending so much energy on things we can not go back and change is robbing energy from creating awesome experiences now. Now is all anyone has. I took off the perverbial “kick me” sign. I told my son I need some space to meet my own needs for myself. I’m taking 3 months for me to look after me without having to deal with the negative narrative of the past. I’m giving both of us a 3 month break to think about how we are going to move forward. I don’t know what the future holds but from what I’m experiencing now I think it holds a reality where my needs are getting met, I’m not constantly being judged negativity by myself. I’m not trying to negotiate inclusion, respect or love. I’m saying I am good enough to receive those things even if I am the only one giving those things to me. The blame shame game is over. My son can do what ever he chooses. He is à n adult and I can not control him or anyone else for that matter. I will deal with whatever is to come one step at a time like I do with everything else in life. Things are going to be ok what ever the outcome. I suspect things are going to be better than they have ever been because now I am responsible for me, he is responsible for himself and the past can be the past. I think I’m going to have to be very diligent with myself as I develop and explore new ways to create healthy habits that stick. My boundries are in place not for him to follow but for me to follow. I create my reality for me. My son creates his reality for himself. My hope is that we can both learn how to come together with love and if not at least we can live in peace together or apart. Full steam ahead!!