We Say We Support Women. Do We Really?

We often say that women should support one another. We celebrate the idea that every woman has the right to live life on her own terms. Marriage or not. Children or not. Career or not. City or country. Gray hair or hair dye. Hormone replacement therapy or not.

It sounds wonderful.

The reality, however, is often quite different.

In my experience, women judge other women far more than we care to admit. It peaks in high school, but sadly, it doesn’t end there. It simply evolves into more sophisticated forms of criticism disguised as concern, opinion, or even virtue.

One area where I’ve seen this play out repeatedly is around aging.

Women and HRT

I have long been an advocate of hormone replacement therapy, but I understand why many women are still reluctant to consider it. I came of age in the shadow of a generation that was led to believe estrogen itself was dangerous. We now know the picture is far more nuanced. Estrogen is not the enemy; in many cases, it is an essential hormone that supports women’s health.

What can be problematic is estrogen dominance – an imbalance between estrogen and progesterone in certain women – not estrogen itself. They were frightened by the now-famous (or should I say infamous) Women’s Health Initiative study, research that has since been widely criticized for its flaws and for the unnecessary fear it created around HRT.

Fortunately, while I was still in my 40s, I sought the guidance of a highly respected and cutting age physician in New York City who specialized in hormonal health. I wanted the best information available – not headlines or outdated fears. Estrogen dominance carries with it concerns, estrogen balance alongside other hormones is not the devil as we were informed it was. I’ve continued HRT ever since, and I intend to remain on it for the rest of my life.

That is my choice.

When younger women ask my opinion, I NEVER tell them they should take hormones. I tell them something much simpler: educate yourself. Speak with a knowledgeable OB-GYN or menopause specialist. Make an informed decision that feels right for you based on today’s science, not yesterday’s fears.

Isn’t that what we encourage women to do in every other area of life?

Women and Beauty

The same philosophy has guided me with skincare and cosmetic procedures.

In my 30s, I sought out one of New York City’s leading dermatologists. I began using tretinoin early, avoided excessive sun exposure, and over the years I’ve chosen to have cosmetic procedures that made me feel good about myself.

I don’t apologize for that.

Nor should I have to.

Yet I’ve been surprised by how often these choices are met with criticism – usually from other women. “She’s had work done.” “She’s not aging gracefully.” “She should just accept getting older.”

I’ve always wondered: who decided there is only one graceful way to age?

If a woman chooses to embrace every wrinkle, I admire her confidence.

If another woman chooses HRT, laser treatments, injectables, or surgery because those choices make her feel vibrant and confident, I admire her as well.

Both women deserve the same respect.

Recently, I sent a friend the Instagram page of an influencer whose look I admired. Before commenting on anything else, my friend immediately said, “Those lips are fillers,” accompanied by a dismissive eye roll.

The irony? They aren’t.

The influencer has openly shared that her full lips are completely natural. Yet my friend’s first instinct was to assume they had been enhanced – as though a woman couldn’t possibly possess a feature that beautiful without cosmetic intervention.

That exchange stayed with me because it illustrates how quickly we, as women, make assumptions about one another. If a woman looks particularly youthful or attractive, many people immediately conclude she’s had “work done.” Sometimes that’s true. Often it isn’t.

Good skincare, genetics, healthy habits, hormone therapy, and, yes, cosmetic procedures can all contribute. But instead of simply appreciating another woman’s appearance – or not commenting at all – we’re often eager to explain it away.

Women and Judgment

Ironically, I recognize that I have my own biases. I sometimes catch myself feeling frustrated with women who criticize those who invest in their appearance while making very different choices for themselves.

That’s judgment too.

Recognizing that in myself has made me realize how deeply ingrained this habit is for all of us.

Perhaps none of us is entirely immune.

My mother taught me that every woman should make the choices that are right for her. That lesson has stayed with me throughout my life.

It’s the same principle we apply to marriage, motherhood, careers, and where we choose to live.

Yet society – and women themselves – still often looks down on women who have no children, as though motherhood is the only complete version of womanhood.

Why?

If we’re sincere about respecting women’s choices, shouldn’t that respect extend to all of them?

Women and Respect

I was reminded of this recently when I saw actress Rachel Ward criticized on Instagram simply because she looks older than she did decades ago. Once celebrated as one of the world’s great beauties, she was accused of “letting herself go.”

Rachel Ward spent years being celebrated for her extraordinary beauty. Now, decades later, she is criticized for looking exactly what she is – a woman in her late 60s who has lived a full life. She has enjoyed a long marriage, raised a family, has grandchildren, continues to work, and lives peacefully on a farm in Australia. By every meaningful measure, she appears happy. Yet to many commenters, none of that mattered. They judged her solely on whether she still resembled the femme fatale she portrayed 40 years ago.

It made me wonder whether women are ever truly allowed to age on their own terms.

Women and Support

Years ago, a friend made an observation that has never left me.

She said women loudly proclaim that they support one another, but when it truly matters, that support often disappears.

She offered a provocative example: when a woman knowingly has an affair with another woman’s husband, she isn’t simply betraying a marriage. She is also abandoning the very idea of female solidarity.

Whether or not you agree with that comparison, her larger point resonated with me.

Supporting women isn’t a slogan.

It’s a practice.

It means allowing women to age the way they choose.

To parent – or not.

To pursue careers – or not.

To take HRT – or decline it.

To embrace cosmetic procedures – or never consider them.

To define beauty, fulfillment, and happiness for themselves.

We don’t have to make the same choices. We simply have to stop assuming ours are the only ones worthy of respect.

Perhaps real female empowerment isn’t about making identical decisions.

Perhaps it’s finally learning to respect one another’s different ones.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you feel supported by other women – friends, acquaintances, relatives? Or do you feel constantly judged? Do you yourself support others’ choices?