Are World Events Affecting Your Relationships?
Never have I ever experienced a time where world events trickled down to touch down on such a granular level as our personal relationships. You hear people every day expressing sadness and frustration at the chasm between them and those for whom they care deeply.
The Elephant in the Room
For decades the go-to rule of ‘we just don’t talk about politics or religion’ appeared to work just fine. The elephant in the room was in the corner for all to see but we could still ignore it by pretending it wasn’t there. Now it seems that it has eaten its weight in grasses, leaves and tree bark because when in that room with others who are on the other side of whatever side you’re on, said elephant takes up every square inch of air and space; impossible to ignore.
Some folks are able to side-step around the big guy hoping not to get smacked by his tail, and others are choosing not to enter the room at all.
So how do we handle the awkwardness? Do we put those relationships on hold until this big elephant poop storm blows over? What if it doesn’t? What if it leaves a permanent poop stain?!
WE-lationships
One of the basic core tenets of a relationship along with trust, communication, respect, and empathy, is having shared values. What I hear people expressing is, “If they agree with this and that, then they no longer align with me and my values, so how can we be in a relationship?” That in turn understandably affects their sense of respect, communication and other crucial cogs in the relationship wheel.
I was speaking with a dear friend on the phone recently and she was talking about what a relationship is to her, and I thought she said, “It’s a WE-lationship” so I asked her if I could steal that, and she said “Sure, but what’d I say?!” I told her what I’d heard through the phone, and she laughed. We had both inadvertently created a new term that I was going to coin!
To be in any kind of relationship it must be a WE-lationship. It takes two – or more as the case may be!
So How Do We Navigate These Unchartered Times?
To be honest, I’m not sure there’s a one-size fits all answer. I’m also walking this path that has no other footprints before me to show the way. Sometimes I feel like, “You can’t get there from here.” (A line often attributed to the Wizard of Oz, but it’s not!)
Are we in a stalemate with our fellow players on the other side of the field?
There are various versions for this to play out:
- You continue to schedule time for each other, agree to disagree and choose not to talk about it.
- You talk it through, listening to each other’s understanding of the situation, with the agreement that if it gets too heated you get out of the kitchen and revert to #1.
- You avoid one another because it’s just too damn uncomfortable, and you know that if you talk about it, it could become the expiration date on the relationship.
- You take the elephant by its tusks and say what you want to say, come what may.
Often, when we’re forced to look at ourselves and others in the mirror, we see what’s behind the glass, revealing that we don’t like what we see. Hence, another reason to avoid it. This can be especially hard when it’s someone we’ve been close to, sometimes for our entire lives.
Staying True to What Matters to You
It’s rough seas right now for many of us, and if you are also experiencing the severity of severed relationships, you are not alone. Lots of feels are surfacing as we try and maneuver through this time, and while we may mourn the loss of some people, I believe that the WE-lationships we choose will be stronger and healthier.
The bottom line is that we need to stay true to ourselves, whatever that means for you. Whether it’s vowing that nothing, no matter what, will affect your relationships, or if you just cannot have one with someone who would support what is happening in our country, or somewhere in between; I say be true to yourself and own it.
My fears, thoughts and feelings about all of this manifested recently in a spoken word poem, and if you’d like to hear it on my Loving Later Life Podcast, click here and if you’d also like to see the video on YouTube click here.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you had challenges with friends or family because of global and/or domestic events? What are some solutions you have found to handle it all that work for you?
Tags Friendships
So far, I’ve written off many so called friends because of our very opposite values (in the last few years, what I would’ve considered opinions have turned into moral issues). Fortunately, my husband of only 3 years, and I, are in complete agreement, but unfortunately, we both have grown children who are not. We simply do not discuss politics around them. Yes, it is sad and disappointing, but we’re not willing to sacrifice those relationships.
The problem I have with this is that there are so many aspects to a relationship and so many interesting topics, experiences and joys. Politics is one of a kazillion topics and one that we have near zero control over (other than writing politicians, voting, etc.). I have friends and family who run the political spectrum and, for the most part, politics aren’t brought up. There’s so much more to talk about! I find that the people who just can’t stop themselves are typically watching and consuming way too much news, are extreme either right or left, and trend negative. These are people I don’t want to hang with, family or friend.
I am a widow (10 yrs) living in a committed relationship with a widower. He is a conservative, and I am a former Republican. I voted that way for 25 years before leaving in 2016 and becoming a Democrat. We have had TOO many arguments and we have decided to not discuss politics. He is such a good, kind man, and our relationship is wonderful. I struggle more than he does with not discussing current events, so I reserve those discussions for my liberal friends. Love is different at this stage in life. I’m seeking peace.
My daughter has taught me that sometimes you have to choose “truth or peace.”
I am learning to choose peace.
I have chosen my values.
I mourned the loss of friends and family through the traditional grief cycle over the last two years. Rather than continuing with this helpless feeling (watching the world fall apart), I took up volunteering in my community. I have the privilege of owning my home and I have stopped ‘shopping’. If I do, I use the BoyCat App to ensure my purchases ’do no harm’. I have also doubled down on ensuring that any investments are ethical and moved all my accounts from big banks to a credit union.
I am on the side of humanity ‘sans’ old friends and family, and I have never felt so right in body, spirit and mind. I get my strength from my pets, my garden and helping others have a better life.
For me, there is no ‘agreeing to disagree’ when people are being hurt and empathy is in short supply. People I knew are more concerned about maintaining their privilege than helping others and I have no time or space for that in my life.
thanks for the article.
I completely agree
Robin, glad you are so happy and proud of yourself. You are a shining example of righteousness that all would do well to follow. Other people may not find it as easy to write off friends and relations because of differing beliefs. I empathize with them.
My husband asked me a while ago to stop following certain news stories on respected platforms as he felt it was affecting my mood and coming up in conversation a lot.
Like with most people it started during the pandemic when we had no social life to speak of. The war in Ukraine came along and as we live in a city that was taking in many Ukrainians that dominated some of our local news as well as news from home. Now it’s the difficult M East situation amongst other things.
I have decided this doom and gloom is taking up too much of my life (and this year has been a difficult year for us personally, my husband was given 6 weeks notice he had to retire and his father also died recently).
It’s time to look for other interests and start to enjoy life again, by not dwelling on things we have no control over.
Exactly!!! There is just too much, too often, every day. We must protect our sanity and live our lives the best we can. There is so much that we have zero control over.