Don’t Want to Spend My 70s Regretting My Past

I recently finished reading The Correspondent by Virginia Evans. It is an unusual novel because the story unfolds through letters, emails and other correspondence. While reading it, I began wondering whether I was still carrying regrets or punishing myself for decisions I made years, perhaps even decades, ago.

The main character carries considerable regret. Although this gives the story much of its emotional depth, it also made me think about the burden of continuing to feel guilty over something that can no longer be changed.

Meeting a Woman Full of Regret

The woman at the centre of the novel regrets decisions she made in her professional life. She also regrets her silence surrounding a family tragedy that continues to affect one of her closest relationships. I don’t want to reveal any spoilers because these details are an important part of the story.

I liked this character very much. She is strong, intelligent and confident. Yet I sometimes felt frustrated by the guilt she continued to carry, and how heavily it weighed upon her.

My reaction to her made me look inward. Were there events from my own past that I continued to revisit? Was I still wishing I had behaved differently, and still judging myself for decisions I could no longer change?

Regret can help us recognize where we went wrong and encourage us to do better. But when we continue punishing ourselves long after we have understood what happened, it takes time and emotional energy away from the life we are living now.

Decisions Made by an Earlier Version of Me

Now that I am in my early 70s, I am not the same person I was decades ago. Life, experience, and a few hard knocks, have shaped who I am today.

My priorities are different from those I had at 30. My circumstances are not what they were at 40, and the pressures I faced in my 50s are no longer part of my daily life. Most importantly, I know things now that I could not have known then.

The decisions I made in the past were made by earlier versions of me.

That does not mean every decision was justified or that I should dismiss the consequences. Hindsight can still help me understand what was happening in my life and why I behaved as I did. A decision may have been wrong, but understanding the person who made it is part of coming to terms with it.

When I look back over more than 70 years, I have plenty of regrets. I did things that were not very smart and made decisions that I would never make today.

One decision in particular has haunted me for decades. It woke me during the night like a recurring nightmare. It seeped into my thoughts during the day and sometimes left me on the verge of tears.

Eventually, I knew I had to confront it. There was no way to undo what had happened, and continuing to relive it was not making anything better. I had learned from my mistake and made amends as well as I could. I also knew with certainty that the woman I am today would never make the same decision.

Accepting that did not erase what happened, but it allowed me to stop treating regret as a punishment I had to carry forever.

When Regret Has Done Its Job

Regret can give us valuable insight into our actions. It may lead us to apologize, make amends or change our behaviour, attitudes, and expectations.

But regret must eventually finish its work. Coming to terms with a mistake is not the same as avoiding responsibility. We can acknowledge that we caused harm, made a poor choice, or failed to act when we should have. What we cannot do is return to that moment carrying the knowledge and experience we have now.

At some point, we have to decide whether regret is still teaching us something or simply making us suffer. If we have accepted responsibility, done what we can to repair the damage, and changed because of what happened, lifelong punishment serves no one.

Giving the Present More of My Attention

At this stage of my life, I want to give more of my attention to the present. I don’t want to drag every mistake I have ever made into my 70s, as though carrying it forever proves that I am sorry.

I have worked to understand my actions and acknowledge where I went wrong. I have also accepted that I am imperfect. I will probably make more questionable decisions, although I hope they won’t keep me awake at night.

I want to find life interesting and look forward to each new day. That is difficult to do when too much of my emotional energy remains tied to choices that cannot be changed.

I wish I had made some different decisions in the past, but I don’t wish away the woman I was when I made them. She did not have my present knowledge or experience, and her mistakes helped shape the person I eventually became.

That was then, and this is now. I don’t want to spend my 70s and beyond continuing to punish myself for my past. I would rather use what I have learned to live the years ahead with greater understanding, compassion, and peace.

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Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are there things in your life that you regret? Have you worked through them and learned from them? Do you think keeping regrets active is necessary? Have you read The Correspondent? What thoughts would you like to share?