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What Makes Adult Children Pick the Road of Estrangement?

By Marie Morin January 14, 2023 Family

Estrangement, the widespread and stigmatized condition describing cutting off one family member from one or more family members, is becoming increasingly common. Estrangement can mean cutting ties completely with no contact or little contact with emotional distancing.

When an adult child cuts ties from one or both parents, they choose to disconnect from a relationship they believe is unmanageable. Estrangement is painful and usually talked about behind closed doors. But in recent decades, there are many resources for the adult child to recognize unhealthy patterns and choose to separate.

Parents confronted with losing the relationship status with their adult child go through grieving and finding a way to reconcile.

Estrangement is a grueling matter, complicated and ambiguous. The arrangement hurts all involved parties. Research studies have yet to catch up to the demand for information to illuminate and make sense of this harsh condition.

Types of Estranged Relationships

We know there is a great divide in perspectives between the estranged and their parents. Some estranged family members’ struggles involve addictions, mental illness, abuse, and toxic behaviors. Unraveling generational dysfunction and its impact on individuals requires professional support. Parents and adult children sometimes must remain estranged to preserve their well-being. 

On the other hand, some families have intense histories, including numerous contributors, and can move forward. Parents and willing adult children find their way to reconciliation, often with the help of a professional.

Then there are those parents and adult children who remain emotionally or physically distanced for years.

Within this range are parents and adult children who, regardless of the relationship status, come to acceptance and learn to live again. These individuals processed the emotions of grieving, invested in their well-being, exercised their empathy muscles, and intentionally stepped forward. They embraced alternative perspectives, including those of their kids.

When parents gain insight into the context in which their adult child cuts ties, it opens the door for parents to move forward. For parents, this means they move into the spectrum of acceptance, acknowledge their role in the estrangement, and grow their empathy muscle. 

Estrangement Contributors

Intrapersonal Issues

We define intrapersonal issues as those where the adult child severs ties with their parents because of crucial personality factors. For example, if the parent struggles with mental illness, it might cause unwanted strife in the relationship, finally pushing the adult child away so far as to become estranged.

A mentally ill parent might not notice how their behavior affects their relationships, but that might not be enough to keep the adult child in the connection. Personality traits that may push adult children away also include self-centeredness, narcissism, and immaturity.

If the parent is unsupportive and unaccepting of the adult child’s feelings, the latter will likely internalize the relationship as low value and choose to estrange.

A widespread intrapersonal issue is personality differences. Adult children who do not feel accepted in their sexuality, gender identity, and religious ideals are more likely to separate from parental relationships.

Interfamily Issues

Interfamily issues refer to forces outside the family – for example, objectionable relationships imposed upon the adult child by a divorced parent. The adult child can choose not to be a part of that new family dynamic if they wish.

Other reasons may include influence from a third party, such as a controlling or abusive spouse. The adult child’s spouse pressuring behaviors work to dismantle the family relationship, which may result in estrangement to keep the peace within the marriage. Alternatively, the adult child’s parents may not like the choice of spouse and therefore create distance and conflict.

Intrafamily Issues

Negative behavior, abuse during childhood, and sustained rigid or distant parenting styles can eventually cause the child to cut ties. Someone who has suffered mental, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse as a child can choose to separate from their parents in adulthood for self-preservation.

Other examples include:

  • Family conflict and rivalries.
  • Drug or alcohol abuse.
  • Alienation from one parent caused by the other inadvertently damages the child’s perception.
  • Parental favoritism of other siblings.

It is not unusual for an adult child to recognize these behavioral patterns as detrimental to their well-being and choose to cut ties in their adult life.

So Why Is Adult Child Estrangement More Common Now?

With the newfound loss of stigma surrounding therapy and mental health, adult children are becoming keen on their circumstances and how their environment has contributed to their lives. If the relationship stops benefiting them or never has, they can choose whether or not to stay.

They are not responsible for their parents’ happiness and decide to put themselves first. The bare minimum isn’t enough anymore. Some agree that family is not a permanent state; it can grow and expand as family members age or come to a complete halt if so chosen.

Parent and adult children relationships tend to thrive when there are no expectations. The adult child can feel loved with no conditions and supported without fear of judgment. Unfortunately, adult children report feeling disrespected by parents who disregard their agency and adulthood.

Dr. Joshua Coleman, in his book Rules of Estrangement, discusses the shift away from the obligation to parents towards honoring one’s needs to be happy. Adult children who find their parents difficult and disrespectful can distance themselves or cut ties entirely.

What intrapersonal, interfamily, and intrafamily contributors discussed in the Carr et al., 2015 study 

elaborates on the complicated nature of estrangement. Also, understanding that an adult child’s perspective can be highly different yet valid. Parents who hope to reconcile are willing to step away from their versions of the estrangement story and empathize with their adult child.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you think it is important to empathize with your adult child’s perspective? What resources have you found to be the most supportive? What do you do regularly that helps you nurture your wellbeing?

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Barbara

Well done! Lots to chew.

Liz

Why is estrangement always blamed on the parent? I recently read an item by a professed professional who told an adult child her feelings are “more important” than her mother’s feelings. To me this advice is toxic. No wonder estrangement is becoming so common.

Susan

My reaction to this article as well. Parents need to detach from their toxic child who has mental illness and chooses not to get help. It’s not always the parents fault.

Barbara

AMEN!!

sasha

It is funny how much classic DARVO all these perfectly innocent “victims of estrangement” end up getting and how very little self awareness seems to even be possible in the spaces narcissistic/estranged parents tend to be.

(Not that all estrangement includes npd or any mental illness. But most of the ones that involve parents feeling victimized by estrangement or even “judged” because “omg what does everyone think or even know? Theyll know or at least think I’m a terrible parent! How could they do this ungrateful child to me???”, absolutely they out themselves every time. Kinda ditto with the “grandparents rights” brigade).

Last edited 1 year ago by sasha
Erica C.

You noticed that, too? They’re all completely innocent victims of “ungrateful” children who don’t appreciate them. It’s like they’re all reading from the same script lol.

Sarah

Seems ungrateful children like you, don’t appreciate your parents. You seem to be on the band wagon that parents are the blame foe all your troubles! So, you’re an expert? How many children do you have? What kind of parent are you? Do you have that perfect book your using to raise them?

Edward Parker

Most likely you are a child that has a heart the size of a peanut and drove your parents, most likely your Mom, to the grave or near so.

Rettij

Agree! Unfortunately anyone that seeks counseling … the standard of practice is to blame the parents.
God forbid they recognize the child may suffer from mental illness.

Lucy

And where exactly did they acquire such mental illness. Oh no, surely not at home having to adapt to dysfunctional behaviours from the ‘adults.’
I’m surprised you cannot see the idiocy of your own statement.

Frank

Hi Lucy,

While there are many factors that may contribute to mental illness and mental health problems, you are on point about there being a link and connection with dysfunctional families. Many people who need mental health assistance are high functioning and would never entertain the idea of seeking assistance. The problem is all in their adult sons and daughters heads. There are many mentally ill people who will never be diagnosed, due to their refusal to even get help. Seeking mental health in earnest is not for the faint of heart.

Beth

What about helping each other to save families?

Jane

Some times the adult child suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and nothing you can say will change anything!

Sasha

Another disorder caused by generics and long term childhood trauma.
And another disorder many toxic parents refuse to acknowledge within themselves.

(Cluster b in general is complex trauma most commonly associated with childhood abuse, poverty, warzone living or the like. It often runs in families at least until the cycles of trauma and abuse are broken. Even then it can pop up a generation or two down the line due to some other traumatic event triggering that generic tendency)

Last edited 11 months ago by Sasha
Lori

Mine barely visited me and when she did visit w baby, she’d boss me to keep after baby so she could veg on her cell. I felt very used.

lynne

I totally agree and thought about this throughout the article!

Susan Goodman

I think the article is geared towards parents being in the wrong. I have a daughter-in-law who doesn’t treat me with respect and constantly criticizes me. It is now decided to have nothing to do with me, although my son still expresses his love and brings the children to see me, I’ve tried many times to be her friend. Apparently everything I’m doing is wrong. I would’ve liked the article better if it had been fair to both children and parents.

Gwen Jones

Same for me Susan with my daughter in law, but continue to enjoy your son and grandchildren. Not ideal for sure. I know you did nothing to deserve this either

M. Savard

Well, at least, you still see your son and grandchildren. But – what a sad situation for the children

Beth

Agreed and how to compromise

Lesley

Your son is good person

Gillian Iszard

Same for me. I have a controlling DIL. I am banned from seeing my grandchild. My son supports her to keep the peace. She has been for counselling for depression and other issues so I believe she has some mental health issues as well. So sad – its the grandchild who loses out. She has alienated her own family as well.

Kristen

Identical situation in my family. This could have been written by my own mother. It’s so very sad. Their little girl is my parents’ only grandchild.

Sasha

…. I think I’m having a very hard time reading that. Unless it’s an incest joke? (Your mom’s daughter is your parent’s only grandchild? The mom is the grandma?)

Tammy

With a little thought, you could have figured out that Kristen’s mother is estranged from her son or daughter the sibling of Kristen. Why are you even on this site? You have no idea of the pain that many normal, good parents are going through by a son or daughter estranging from them. You can’t just forget that you birthed, raised an loved another person for decades. If you have issues with your parents, I am sorry. Not all childhoods are bad or all parents are bad. Most parents love their children and try their best to do the right thing. My son married a girl who did not want us in their lives. We tried to get to know her and include her in our family but she did not want that. My son cut off his friends too, not just his entire family. That is not normal behavior and not a healthy way to live. In the wake, they destroyed our family. They do have a great relationship with her family. They even bought houses together one day apart.

Frank

Tammy, yes a very small percentage of parents are cut off due to other factors than abuse. Most often cults like the Jehovah Witness or Scientolgy require one to shun their parents if they are critical of the cult or if they once were members themselves and have decided to leave. But more often than not, abusive parents refuse to take accountability and even attack their son or daughters mental health, hoping that would deflect. The second most often excuse is to blame the partner of the son or daughter or even the mental health counselor. Anything and anyone but the parents. Facing and confronting your own darkness is too much, so it is easier to just project it on to others.

Holly

Tammy, you’re correct. Estranging from ones’ parents is not normal behavior! It’s elder abuse. Along with child abuse towards grandchildren.

Just me

Be thankful you at least get to see your son and GC. My daughter in law was so jealous of my close relationship with my son. Caused such chaos but I was blamed and shunned. Haven’t spoken to or seen my son or GC in 7 years. The pain never goes away. It’s grieving the loss of ppl that are still alive

Jack

I mean a mamas boy is a huge red flag in any serious romantic relationship. Is definitely a dynamic that needs to be broken to build a healthy adult family as an independent adult that now centers his partner and children rather than parents and siblings.

Last edited 11 months ago by Jack
Ceit

Yes I recognise what you’re saying. My son in law worked to estrange my daughter from me. Last year after 10yrs together, he succeeded. She is super intelligent but has – I believe – mental health issues. Since she was small she has been a compulsive liar even when the truth was staring her in the face and couldn’t be disputed. She has been in and out of counselling since she was 18. She had number of abortions and didn’t finish 4 university degrees that my ex and I paid for. She has told her partner all sorts of fantasy tales about mental/physical abuse, and neglect at my hands. He has pronounced ad(h)d & is very oppositional to the point it is almost like a ‘conduct disorder’ but I’m guessing that perhaps he has high functioning autism as a comorbidity. (I have a professional background in this field) She was also diagnosed with ad(h)d a couple of years ago. My ex and I saw no sign of this growing up. They have two children together. They are soulmates together and he believes he’s saving her. Before the actual estrangement last year, he refused to talk to me even when I was standing in front of him, he wouldn’t come into our house, I never saw my daughter or my grandkids at Christmas or their actual birthdays. I wasn’t allowed in their house but towards the end the narrative was twisted by them that I wouldn’t allow him in MY house. He deliberately renaged on payments to the bank that I had stood guarantor for, when my daughter was a student. I only found out that I had been on a blacklist for nearly 5yrs when I applied for a small personal loan. It took me moths to find out why. I have been blamed by ny daughter for everything that I could possibly be blamed for, including not removing her from an unhappy, emotionally abusive marriage and nasty divorce (from her narcissistic father) when she was young (she probably has a point there but I was too uncertain and too scared to do it sooner than I did). Indeed she and her partner consider me to be a conniving, underhand, mentally unstable old witch in need of professional help.
Could I have been a better mother at times? Are there things I regret? Certainly, yes but am I the evil and unstable person they describe – no. I love my daughter dearly and miss my grandchildren. I have written countless begging letters but all to no avail. I am determined not to become bitter or feel like a victim or a failure. Why did this happen to me? That’s a question I just don’t ask anymore. Bad things happen to good people. It’s just how it is. I look for fun and joy every day and I will always love my girl.

Sarah

Isn’t it sad how the younger generation treat their parents with so much disrespect! And, then, try to turn the situation around that they’re the victims. When, indeed they’re inflicting the pain, the emotional abuse. I feel your same pain. I attended my oldest grandson’s college graduation. Keep in mind my daughter had not spoken to me for almost 6 years now. Not allowed my grandchildren to have our relationship that was established since their birth. Anyway, at the graduation something made me look up to the second floor of the auditorium. Only to find my seven year old granddaughter holding onto the railings just looking down at me with a staring glaze. As soon as my daughter saw me look up, she called my granddaughter to her, having my granddaughter hide behind her thinking I couldn’t see her. How absurd! That little girl’s face looked heartbroken that she was not allowed to have any contact whatsoever. My oldest grandson’s family observed the entire situation, found my daughter and her husband’s behavior so bizarre.

Frank

Why is it that when the subject of parental abuse comes up the parents always attack the son/daughters mental health? Its the default mode, instead of sincere self reflection. Seems like your offspring has been in a lot of pain since childhood with you refusing to take accountability. Instead you use the “my kid is just crazy” deflection. What a “loving” parent you are. I can see why they dont want you in their life.

Sarah Pearson

I have a daughter in law that has not even tried to have any sort of relationship with me. I have tried but realized she just doesn’t care or want one. I used to hear from my son who is in the army on Sundays. Don’t hear from him at all anymore and have not seen him in over a year. This article is geared more towards the parents’ creating problems. All people parents and adult children need to take responsibility for their actions. Stop playing the blame game.

Meeghan Ratick

I’m tired of my adult daughter she didn’t have the decency to call me when my mom died to say what ever but came to see my mother without telling me it hurts

Caroline

I personally feel that the adult children feel entitled. Also many therapist promote this garbage. Not just with parents but anybody they are involved with. Whatever happened to respect and kindness? That is a foreign concept to these adult children. I am not talking about sexual or physical abuse. But because there are different personalities in any family. You need to respect the differences but now days your therapist promotes separation and abandonment. What happened to adult children taking responsibility for themselves. Caring on about something my mother or father said to me when I was 10 years old. Come on now. Do they have to love their own lives of course.
I think the cruelest thing they do is taking away the grandchildren. They are not only getting even with their parents but hurting their child.

Lesley

It does not make for a bright future regarding Family Life.
How about Focus on the Family.
Doesn’t that give therapists inspiration to succeed moreso.

Sera

A hate group? Don’t expect anyone to want anything to do with you after legal adulthood if you listen to those people.

-my now estranged father loved focus on the family more than he loved his queer child

Bayley

Yep. There’s no hate like “Christian love”. I can’t wait for all these Boomer homophobes to just die off, hopefully very lonely and full of regret

Lexi

Yeah I REALLY wouldn’t suggest looking to focus on the family (or any other recognized gate group) for any kind of guidance for builind and maintaining positive familial relationships.

My father never learned that lesson. He even put me through covert conversion therapy to try to make me fit in with his fantasy of what family should/must look like. It was supposedly for “depression” but mostly ignored anything real (like abuse, including sexual, lack of autonomy, constant conflict, and shaming for things like being queer and autistic). The counselor was some Christian taught nonsense that mostly promoted trying to force suffering teens to just force themselves to fit into a narrow set of acceptable roles and without any kind of respect for the need to escape toxicity z abuse, and bigotry directed at your very sense of self and also your mom’s whole side of the family.

Leaving me feeling more depressed, even suicidal, after every visit. But can’t stop otherwise “not even trying to get better” etc. Making it more and more hopeless until i eventually left, cur contact, and went to REAL therapy actually focused on childhood trauma and recovery.

Now he’s on his 6th divorce and is estranged from all 8 kids (including his two bio kids).

Last edited 11 months ago by Lexi
Frank

Lexi, I am sorry you went through all that. You did not deserve that. Glad you survived and lived to tell. A parent thats had 6 divorces and is estranged from all 8 sons and daughters definitely has a problem. You are better off without them for sure. I hope in my next life time I get better parents, ones that are kind, healthy, and good to me. But at this point in my life I have moved on and dont need any of that any longer. Have had to become my own parent. I can love myself better than they ever can.

Lee

You appear to have an inflated ego!

What kind of relationship do you have with your parents?

Since you’re your own parents, you can sit, look into that mirror, to parent yourself!

Frank

Sarah, bless yourt heart. Thanks for sharing.

Mimi

I’ve been estranged from my parent who abandoned me as a child. The parent hurt my children in the same manner that they hurt me. I won’t allow it again, nor am I getting even with my parent. I have to protect my children and myself from further harm, abuse, and neglect. I assure you I’m not entitled. I had to survive my upbringing due to my parent’s decisions to abandon their kids. And you know what, if you say crappy things to your kid, guess what – it has an impact. Listening, acknowledging, and validating a child on an emotional level helps to repair the relationship. Dismissing what they’ve experienced is destructive.

Charlene

Yes! Some adult children endured horrible upbringings. My mother was an alcoholic and my father was abusive. They are both deceased, but they left me wanting nothing to do with family life. I am childless by choice. For those who are so critical of their daughters-in-law, you might try to find out what her family life was like. She might have valid reasons for needing distance, which have nothing to do with you.

Susan

The therapists treat those who seek the help. If its the adult child seeking help the therapist will treat per that persons perspective. If it is the parent that seeks help the therapist will treat per her perspective. Respect and kindness is a two way street. Issues occur when one or the other refuse to take responsibility for their actions/words or lack there of. Or refuse to see or admit the hurt they caused the other. Nothing can be fixed if one party won’t even acknowledge the hurt of the other. I AM ENTITLED….entitled to feel hurt ..those are MY feelings and if I tell you I am hurt repeatedly and you dismiss it why do you think I should remain in your life?And why should my child have to endure the hurt that I have had to deal with before walking out of your life? This particular instance has nothing to do with drugs/alcohol abuse or any diagnosed mental illness. Adult children don’t walk out of their parents lives for no reason at all. Parents need to wake up and acknowledge their part in the pain they caused their child for them to walk away. I also think its pretty easy for a MIL to blame the DIL for issues they have with their sons. The DIL is the sacraficial lamb brought to slaughter again bc they are unwilling to acknowledge the hurt that they caused their son and its easier for them to place blame on someone else than to admit out loud the pain they caused to their son that caused him to shut them out. Not allowing them to see the grandchild is not about “getting even” it’s about no longer allowing them to continue the hurt that their not willing to acknowledge and if they are willing to hurt their child in that way without recognizing it they would do the same to the grandchild. I personally as a parent refused to allow that to happen.

Suzi

You are wrong about adult children walking out of their parents lives for no reason! Our son walked out of our lives because he made up reasons that were invalid after his divorce.
We bent over backwards to be compassionate and accepting even of his new girlfriend but just not on his unreasonable terms ie, bringing the new girlfriend to a family birthday gathering for our other DIL only 3 months after her separation for us to meet her for the first time. I told him that night was about his SIL and offered to meet gf another time but was cut off completely.
We try to reach out to our son and we tell him how much he is loved and missed. We would be willing to go to counseling or listen to any problem he has with us but he will not respond.
There was a time that I thought the same as you. I hope you don’t have to learn I’m right the same way I have because it’s crushing!

Chaz

What were the reasons and what made them invalid or made up? You are being quite vague. You bent over backwards to be compassionate and accepting… so being compassionate or accepting doesn’t come naturally to you? If so may I ask why you had to bend over backwards to do so or why it was a struggle? I think he seems hurt to be honest with you. Seems to be a lot of unawareness with the parent in this case which is a big cause for son to become estranged from you, I honestly do think you should’ve been more accepting to his girlfriend I think he is protecting her which is completely fair.

Frank

Hi Suzi, thank you for sharing your story. I know you must feel a lot of shame and humiliation at being cut off like that, especially when society looks at cut off parents a certain way.

So your son brought his girlfriend to a family birthday party for you all to meet her for the first time and you had a problem with that? You were willing to meet her somewhere else at another time, just not at a family birthday party. Was it because she is black or some other culture/race? You went out of your way and bent over backwards to other his girlfriend, essentially alienating her. Were you embarrassed and ashamed for the family to have met her for some reason. Did your son insist on including his girlfriend whom he loves into his family events and is this what call “unreasonable”?

Suzi, you have gotten exactly what wanted. He wont bring her to the family events anymore and has decided to not let you other the woman he loves. Kudos to your son. You should be proud of your son for standing up for his partner instead of bashing him.

Robin

I have been alienated by both my daughters several times over the last 10 years. My oldest daughter got in some trouble as a teen, after her father and I divorced. My youngest daughter was molested by a live in boyfriend when she was 9/10.
My oldest daughter was locked up in a state prison for kids, then sent to a girls rehabilitation, lockdown facility when she was 14. Came home when she was 16 and then pregnant within 4 months. My youngest and I have always been close, she’s the one who usually shut off communication the longest, but eventually we reconcile. She tells me she takes things to far and doesn’t know how to stop. She iis an alcoholic, in an abusive marriage and has 2 daughters. Ihavent seen or spoken to my oldest gdaughter since 2018. I’ve sent gifts, I don’t know if she likes them, or even gets them. Her mom says she does. I do not talk to my youngest when she calls me and has been drinking. She rehashed things that we’ve gone to counseling about, and s/b resolved. My oldest daughter, when in state care, was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and oppositional defiance, directed at me. I’m the only person that went to the monthly meetings with staff. Her Dad lived less than 200 miles away, visited 1 time in 2 years..she has never alienated him.
I’ve been close to my grandchildren all along. In fact many years I’ve been the designated, “other” adult in gchildrens lives.
I have always been close to my oldest grand child, he’s tmrw. Now he and his brother aren’t speaking to me.
I’ve seen my beloved granddaughter once since the end of 2019. When I did get to see her in 2021, she was in bed. She pulled the covers over her head and said” I don’t know who you are.” I took off my jacket and said, “yes u do Lorelai, it’s Grandma Robbyn and I have missed you so much.” She looked at me and said, ” grandma Robbyn? I didn’t know how to find you. I did not know where u were.” I hugged her, then we talked about what Santa brought her for Christmas.
I wanted to weep when I saw that sadness in her eyes…this is just one story that involves entire families and my 5 grandchildren. I’ve babysat for free for years because I live being with my grand kids. My heart is broken. My parents didn’t alienate us, or us them. Sure, we had disagreements, we had times where we let things cool down, a week or 2, at most a month. We’d talk about whatever it was and move on. I was an abused child, along with my 8 siblings. I’ve had to put things in perspective. My kids had relationships with my folks, I never stopped that bc I know my parents loved my kids and wanted the best for them. I at times would yell, get angry, tackle and hold down my oldest daughter…she stole from me, she was mean to her sis and was daddy’s favorite. He confided in her as a really young girl about his and my arguments, your mom’s hurting our family,I just want to keep us all together, she won’t believe I wasn’t gambling/drinking/doing drugs. THATS THE REASON I DIVORCED HIM…brainwashing my daughter. I could write a book and probably should. The truth is hard for us all. I have my own demons in this. I can not say why it’s this way exactly. My heart is broken. I can say tho, that shunning, alienating grandparents, or anyone , just bc you don’t want to tell the truth or you have rewritten past to others, is wrong. My oldest told me many times that she doest feel empty for others. It was difficult for me to believe that my beautiful, intelligent daughter was like that. She 7sed to tell me no one around needed to have those feelings bc I had enough empathy for everyone. I see it now tho, really clearly.
Adult children in there 30’s and 40’s had DHS on their speed dial. 1st computers in the classrooms…they in some ways are smarter than those of us 60 years and older. Experience can bring knowledge, sometimes just not the outcome we’d like to have.
Peace

Frank

Hello Robin,

It must be very difficult going through what you are going through. You must be in great agony over having been cut off by your daughters and grandchildren. Being cut off by all your offspring and their offspring has to be a harsh reality to face each and every single day you wake up. Having to look people in the face and having to watch your peers enjoy their sons and daughters and grandchildren while you are cut off has be completely devastating. I know you must be feeling victimized to the very core of your being. I feel.sorry for your daughter who was s*xually abused by your live in boyfriend. Where were you when this happened? Was your other daughter also abused? Where were you when this all happened?

Deanna

I understand your perspective on that Caroline, but sometimes it’s the only option left. I’m estranged from my adopted family because of the sheer disrespect I received even though I did everything they wanted. I told them numerous times to stop breaking into my apartment and to call me when they want to come over. There would be times I come home to it trashed for simply not having it clean to their specifications. It would be something as small as a dish in the sink.

Murf

Bad association spoils useful habits.
Our first associate is our parents. If they make mistakes, own them. It gains respect. But a cover up may make the child view their parents as a person they can rely on in somethings but not all.

Our personalities develop as a child. Were open books. A parent that destroys a child’s confidence at a early age one purpose or by mistake still needs to fess up and own it. If they dont, they are STILL VEIWED AS SOMEONE THAT CAN BE RELIED ON IN SOMETHINGS but not all. The habit of the parent has not changed.

It’s not just what was said at the age of 10, it’s the owning it and willingness to take a child’s feelings into consideration over there own that produces that gold standard were all looking for. How important is a child to there parent?

If a parent is willing to bend over backwards and say sorry and really work on the relationship, the association has changed and it’s now on the child to reciprocate. If the child doesnt fess up to his or her own mess they may have made…..we know where the problem lays.

But it all starts with the parents. They began the relationship as a adult guidance counselor and example setter.

Meeghan Ratick

Some kids just go with the parent that they thinks makes more money because they tell I make more and there a idiot

Gayle Carr

My son has been estranged from me since 2004 I thought this was not possible but it happened. I have learned to live with it. But have tried to fix it. to no avail. I will always be open for reconciliation and won’t be complete until it’s done.

Robin

You aren’t “fixing it”, you are harassing your child to absolve you, who has made it clear does not want to hear from you any more. If your son cut off contact with you nearly 20 years ago and you’ve made attempts “to no avail” then you are simply abusing your child by continuing to try and contact them. Their silence is your answer. Let them get on with their life and live in peace.

Holly

You actually sound like my cousin! You are cruel if you aren’t permitting your children to have a relationship with their grandparents. That’s abuse!

Judi Stansberry

Agree with Holly !

Meeghan Ratick

My daughter came around when she needed money from me or her Grammy I gave her my last 30.00 10years ago and left

sasha

No, it isn’t cruel let alone “abuse” by any stretch to not have a relationship with you, incel. It is abuse to harass people and treat your sense of entitlement as some kind of a fact that people owe you those thinga. Get over yourself already.

Not every child has grandparents that are alive. Not all have grandparents that are healthy. And not all have grandparents that are in their lives/the lives of their parents. That’s reality.

A family model and dynamic that doesn’t magically fit your narrow universal ideals of what a family “should” look like is not abuse. It is not unhealthy or less valid by default.

You so sound like those people yelling about how children “deserve a mother and father ” and yell about gay marriage and adoption being “child abuse”

It’s nonsense fit throwing, pure and simple. Not anything I want my children exposed to.

Last edited 11 months ago by sasha
Sarah

You sound like a nut case! Really! You don’t know me! Any, have not witnessed the close, loving relationship I had with my grandchildren!
Where do you come in to tell me my opinions regarding marriage, gay marriage, adoption? Honey, you are way off base? Talk about a judgmental person!
I’m a healthy grandparent who can run around with grandchildren. Have fun with them. And, they actually have a great grandfather. Like I said, you have no clue!!!!
Perhaps you’re the “incel”!

holly

Sasha is trying to come across as some expert and authority on adult children,
parents and grandparents. She doesn’t know squat. Her intelligence level is shown by her knowledge or lack thereof of using the word “incel”. She has no idea of its meaning since it wasn’t used properly.

Heaven

You just insulted her at the end. I’m sorry but you need to be aware of your words. You seem really worked up over that which is a reflection of you.

Sarah

Well, Heaven, you missed it then. With Sasha using the word “incel”. I just repeated her insult to me! Sashas word are far from a reflection of me.

Frank

Hi Sarah,

The way you reacted to Sasha wasnt very kind and compassionate. I wonder if this is a glimpse of what your sons and daughters may have experienced from you. 🤔 Please be nice.

Sarah

So, you think Sasha’s words were kind and considerate? Please be nice! Have respect

Frank

Hi Sarah,

I am looking to you, the older person who is a parent to take the lead in demonstrating the ability to emotionally regulate yourself and respond with compassion, respect and kindness. Sasha isnt a parent that has been cut off, you are. Retaliation and lashing back is not a good look, especially when you are trying to make a case about how good of a person you say you have been to your offspring.

Sarah

Frank, your way off base! What retaliation are you talking about? I’ve read your other comments. Take your own advise…..be kind, compassionate.

Frank

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for sharing your feelings and opinions. You certainly have proven your sons and daughters right in their decision. I commend them for it and pray they heal from the abuse inflicted on them.

Sarah

Hi, frank, really. What are you talking about? Didn’t you in earlier comments state you’ve become your own parent? How’s that happen in life?

Frank

Hi Sarah,

Its called taking responsibility. Have you heard of it?

Sarah

I know what responsibilities are. Do you? I’ve read your negative comments to several people. Perhaps you need to take your own words to heart. You still haven’t given the story why you’re your own parent. Your just give more digs! I guess that’s why you keep posting……to maintain negativty.
How do you treat your parents, aunts, uncle’s, siblings, wife, children?

Frank

Hi Sarah,

Both my parents have passed away, but when they were alive they both were very loving and kind. My mother always took time to listen to us and even when we did not see eye to eye at times she never once bad mouthed us or tried to shame or guilt trip. My father was also very kind and compassionate to us, showing us all unconditional love. When my oldest brother came out as gay he accepted him fully. When my older sister married a black man both my parents proudly took him on as their own son. I cannot say enough good things about my wonderful parents. Can your sons and daughters say the same about you?

Sarah

Sure, they certainly can! Even, my siblings, aunts, uncle’s, cousins. We’re all very close.

So, why are you so down on parents?

Frank

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for responding. I understand that you interpret my communication as being “so down on parents”. Opinions and feelings are important and while they do not necessarily always reflect reality, it is important to have a safe space to share and express them. Thanks for sharing.

Holly

Hey, Sasha, you’re correct. Not all children have grandparents, grandparents who are alive and healthy. Able to play. That’s a child’s main concern for the day to play! So, then, given all that……let them play with their grandparents! And, enjoy that loving, carefree relationship!

You really need to grow up, Sasha! Stop damaging your children. Now, that’s abuse!

Meeghan Ratick

Yes

Michele

It is the most cruelest and painful to prevent the grandchildren to have relationship with.💔💔💔

Sharon

And usually done on purpose, to create additional pain.

Meeghan Ratick

Ok done

dianne

Michele – agree. My daughter and son in law wrote that they want nothing to do with me or my husband and we will not be allowed to see our grand daughters. Reeling from the pain, in therapy, reading books on estrangement, journaling and so much self reflection. I wrote a heartfelt letter to my daughter apologizing for anything and everything I had ever done to hurt her – the letter was self deprecatory and quite pathetic, in hindsight.
My daughter and I were best friends – I think this was very threatening to my son in law. I was present and silly and engaging with my daughters in law and I now know that this too was threatening to my son in law.
I don’t know anymore.
All of this was just so unimaginable

Robin

No one who apologizes sincerely to another person thinks of themselves as “pathetic”. And, mothers and daughters aren’t supposed to be “best friends”. None of that is healthy or normal. You are telling on yourself as an abusive parent who doesn’t care why your daughter has cut you off, you only moan about it being “unimaginable”. I’ve only read your response here and I can easily imagine why.

A daughter and son-in-law don’t prevent a grandparent from seeing them “for no reason”. That is your delusion so you don’t have to confront your own issues. But narcissists don’t change, won’t accept responsibility or ever consider they might be wrong. Instead they watch their children walk away and throw childish stones at them as they do. I would feel sorry for these parents, except they show their children zero sympathy or attempts at understanding. Instead, they embrace their new role as “victim parent”. Now that IS pathetic.

Amy Jenkins

Amen, Robin. The lord says you reap what you sow. These narcissistic parents are reaping exactly what they have sown all along and now want to blame it on their adult offapring, in laws, mental health counselors, the government, social media – anything and everything to avoid responsibility in the life they find themselves in now. You are so right. It is crystal clear these toxic parents are having a conniption and are STILL the abusers they have always been to this very day. Its so hilariously pathetic to see all these narc parents basically dry snitch on themselves here on this comment section. Smh

Sasha

“Its so hilariously pathetic to see all these narc parents basically dry snitch on themselves here on this comment section.”

They do so everywhere estranged parents/grandparents rally lol

Eddie H

Wow!

Debra

Sasha you need Help speak for yourself- yes some adult children have good reasons for estranging but some were excellent parents there adult children lived them had good relationships with the the grandparents had good relationships with there grandchildren and for absolutely no reason changed as if overnight, it’s hurtful, confusing and damaging to everyone involved but esp to the grands and it is abuse so speak for yourself and maybe you need to pray for yourself better yet you need to be commit and good luck when it all comes full circle to you!!!!!

Holly

The only narc as you call people…..is you!!!!!!

Lynn

You are wrong. Every situation is different. Compared to my daughter’s upbringing of her children? I am Mother Theresa. Many adult children are hiding bad choices from their parents. (her father is deceased) I can read my daughter like a book, since she was young. She is up to no good and is using me as her scapegoat to her fairly new husband. As in, “Oh, I am so depressed, I think my mother verbally abused me? (she is depressed because her lover cut her off, she is like a jilted lover) She tells her concerned husband, “I think my mom pushed me to have an abortion at 18 years old (not), I am a sinner, she says to him, (he is a devout Christian) Of course, no other human being knew of her abortion except the clinic, her and myself. She started her crap, not even my own husband)” Right. She is having an affair with another married man in their circle. Everyone’s story is different. My estrangement has lasted only 4 months, my daughters decision. Where I used to talk to my daughter and 3 grandchildren on a daily basis. Zero – out. Grandchildren are my loves at 8, 6 and 4 years old.

Signed, Loose lips sink ships.

Meeghan Ratick

Hey kids pick and choose good or bad parents it’s f

Cat

“The lord says you reap what you sow”, now that’s an interesting analogy to use here. Are you saying that if you plant a bad seed you’re going to get bad results or are you speaking of the type of soil, care weather and water that influence the plant growth and yield? The moment a child comes into the world there are many factors and influences that a child encounters during their growth that help or hinder who they develope into, even right through adulthood, parents, siblings, grandparents, playmates, bullies, highschool friends, religous educators, cults, economics, teachers, profs, peers, music, books, social media, social media infuencers, advertising, politics, their profession, the list goes on and on. It has been suggested in studies that by pre teen age a child’s peers have more influence over them than their parents. One thing I do know, it is NOT crystal clear why adult children and parents become estranged from each other nor is it crystal clear that the parent is toxic or an abuser knowing that the adult child has been and still is exposed to outside influences. Btw thinking in absolutes ie; right or wrong no middle ground, black or white no gray area, can be a sign of narcissism. Just saying

Holly

You are wrong Robin! Mothers and daughters are supposed to be best friends! That is a healthy, normal adult relationship.

sasha

They absolutely are not. Maybe read the book “I’m glad my mom died” to get maybe some perspective on why that mindset is so damaging to the daughter in particular

Holly

Sasha you’re wrong! My mother and I were the best of friends! Wow! You must treat your mother so rotten. That’s why you’re constantly criticizing all these parents and grandparents. You must have been something trying to raise you into a mature adult.

If you read such a book, perhaps your wishing your mother dies?! How cruel!

Have you ever heard of The Golden Rule?

Meeghan Ratick

I was best friends with my mom and she died in February I helped her through stuff when my dad got sick who was a Doctor i miss my best friend my mom who I can’t talk to anymore

Heaven

Holly this may be the reason your daughter has estranged from you? It’s NOT normal. Once you realise that you may have a way forward.

Holly

Heaven, are you estranged from your mother? As you grow up, it’s normal to be friends with your parents! That’s life!
The golden rule is worth following.

Meeghan Ratick

Robin hey…calm down lots of these people are narcissistic and want to argue about everything go to the mirror and sit

Sasha

Never healthy or good to view your child as your “best friend”.

Sarah

When you become a mature adult, parents and grandparents absolutely become best friends. “That’s a healthy relationship as one matures”!

Stro

Never say never, Dr Wannabee. No such thing as one size fits all.

Chaz

It’s not healthy to be your daughters best friend. You are her mother.

Sera

Not half as cruel as forcing a child to have a relationship with a known child abuser “because family”

-was heavily encouraged to sit on grandpa’s lap for story times and regular visits cause super important irreplaceable relationship. Only to learn every adult involved knew he had sexually abused at least one cousin of mine

Sera

Or protection them from selfish self centered entitled adults that refuse to acknowledge their own issue or flaws, let alone the long term damage causes by childhood abuse. Or other events that can occur when people lack fundamental autonomy and have their lives controlled by another who might easily forget about the whole thing after a while. Since it does not effect those with the power half as much as the child, regardless of how much they claim it hurts the parent more, it just must not matter?

No thanks. Protecting my kids from adults like that.

Holly

I agree with you Caroline. The grandchildren suffer not getting to know and have a wonderful relationship with their grandparents. Grandchildren should not be used as pawns. Any good parent would realize their children need grandparents who show unconditional love. Life is short!

sasha

Literally the only people using grandchildren as pawns are the narcissists who think they’re entitled to a relationship with people they don’t even know because they like the concept. Then go around trying to pull guilt trips and other manipulation tactics to try to force/coerced unwanted contact with people they probably abused and their children to potentially further abuse.

Get the hell over yourself and your sense of entitlement

Holly

Sasha, you really are a nut case! You best look up the definition of a narcissist. You constantly on here making such cruel comments!
Once again, have you ever heard of The Golden Rule?

I’m going to ask…how many children do you have? What expert parenting book are you getting you ideas from?

And, how do you treat your parents and grandparents?
Get over yourself, start being respectful!

Debra

Sasha not every person is your parent or like your parent yet you assume they are obviously you’ve had a hard life but to assume everyone’s the same is shallow

Stro

Chill the whine dear, if you hope to have any credibility on either side of the debate. Rage like this belies illness. Get help.

Lynn

holly I agree with your posts. It appears there are too many comments from people who have not experienced the situation. It hurts deeply when it happens to you. I believe it comes from lack of respect for your parents and the building of anger and hate from a married adult child with their spouse, too. I have watched it build with my son in law and daughter for probably a year and a half. These are the entitled, superior thinking adult children we raised. I let my daughter “be” who she wants to be. I picked up her pieces so many times I cannot count. She is selfish, and unkind to me and appreciates nothing. She will be back when she is on her butt, again. I am angry right now. I do not deserve her actions, again. New husband new values, etc. Meanwhile, I do not get to see my grandchildren. I have disagreed with her and he husband’s parenting style and have kept my mouth shut. They married 4 years ago and have a 4 year old ADD, mean little 4 year old boy. The 8 year old boy and 6 year old girl are close to angels and were raised with her and me in their lives. They use corporal punishment on the their 4 year old boy. They literally spank him hard so much, I do not know how he can sit on his butt. They know how I feel about corporal punishment as I never spanked my children nor was I spanked, as old as I am. It is not necessary (And I live in the south) They do not put their kids in activities like sports because as parents they do not have time to spend time together if they do. My kids, including this one daughter of mine spent years in every single activity and sports imaginable. She still plays one sport professionally and she is 33 years old. Why not teach her children the world of sports or other activities. I am so angry at her. I will have to get past this stage of grief to go on. Seriously. I have 2 sons who do not like the situation and disagree because there is no evidence of me abusing any of my children in any way, of many ways. My daughter’s daughter is already giving her heck, good luck, you do reap what you sow. L

Jeanette Marie

I agree with everyone on how ungrateful these children are. I am 71 years old and have been cut off from my son since 2010. He wants nothing to do with me at all.

He told me to my face that I no longer had a son and walked away for good.

For many years I told people I didn’t know why, but I lied. I knew, because for all his life he would throw it in my face, how he was being molested by my husband and how I wouldn’t do anything to help him. He told me the first day it ever started, when he was 8 years old.

He had the nerve to call me out on how I used to tell him that I’d give him up for adoption and put him in an orphanage if he didn’t clean his room, wash dishes or do other chores.

He had the nerve to tell me that this was cruel and his therapist is to blame. The therapist and mental health people are influencing him. They told him that I and my husband abused him and that his life growing up was not normal or healthy.

So he chose his therapists and doctors over his own mother and stepfather.

He never stopped telling and begging for help a child. I just didn’t care to help him and I must admit I did get off on the power and control of it all. The power, knowing I could do something to stop it. I even got a rise from instigating the beatings that went along with it.

I didn’t see why making a big deal out of things was going to risk me losing my home and financial status. Plus my husband said that kids like and provoke these kinds of things.

I felt powerful in telling him that he caused this to happen and that he provoked it. My husband would tell him he is a bad kid and causes bad things to happen to him.

For many years I was able to successfully hide this penchant for pain, other people’s pain, but my son ripped that mask off so brutally when he became a fully grown adult that I wanted to kill him for it.

I cannot feel good unless someone close to me is feeling bad, especially my son. Just something about inducing and/or augmenting his pain gives me a rise and a high. I honestly think I have an addiction to other people’s pain. But I cannot bear for anyone to know this, especially my own son.

All my life I work so hard to hide this from the world. People see me as gentle, kind and very generous. When my son tells people what he went through, some people have a hard time believing that in contrast with what I’ve chosen to show the world.

If people really knew the truth, they would hate me and spit in my face. I’d be behind bars for sure and even then in the prison, I’d be a target for the worst kind of abuse. And I would deserve it. But I cannot let this be known, the rage in me wants him dead.

I had a whole plan set up and I was going to get my husband to shoot him, based on the stand your ground/Castle Doctrine law. We planned to go to probate and say that my son was a danger to us and that he is crazy. He was transgender and it was easy in the south to paint him as a crazy and dangerous person.

He embarrassed us when he decided to transition. People all over town talked about us like a dog, saying we failed as parents. Some even said that the molestation caused him to be transgender in our church. We were marked and our church members would keep us at arm’s distance.

This is another reason I hated him and wanted him gone. I had taken out a life insurance on him and decided on a plan. He would be worth more to me dead than alive, plus I’d finally get peace and not have to worry about future consequences of going to prison for what my husband and I did to him. I know it isn’t fair, but that is how it is.

We had his friend in on it and were trying to get him to come back to our home, so I could get my husband to shoot him and we would say it was self defense.

But he must have known somehow, because he never came back and left the state entirely.

That was 13 years ago, and now that my husband has died, I’m all alone. I don’t have any friends, my only friend I had just died of cancer and she was about 8 years younger than I am.

So I do feel uncertain about my future.
Who will take care of me? There is no one to check up on me and I feel afraid an old lady all alone in this house every night. All I have is my little dog.

A whole global pandemic of COVID came and went and my son did not once bother to contact me. It’s as if he doesn’t care what happens to me and couldn’t care less if I’m alive or dead.

I watched my peers draw close to their sons and daughers and grandchildren during the pandemic and holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, everyone had their family but me. Some of them invited me to be with their family and told me “you are our family now” , but it’s just not the same thing.

I’m always an outsider trying to be part of a family that I’m not. I have no one else and I drove away the only child I ever had. He is living his life in LA with his own family and has completely moved on.

I sense nothing but pure indifference from him, even though he has cut me off for over a decade now.
I just cannot escape the harsh reality that I have been cut off for good by my only offspring. I came into this world not wanted, having been adopted at 6 years old. I have gone through abuse as a child with adoptive parents and ghosted both of them many years ago.

Did not attend my mother’s funeral, nor my father’s funeral. And the cycle continues. I have not done better, and have actually done worse than my parents.

My own parents didnt want me and my own son didn’t want me. This is the legacy I am taking to my grave.

Despite that, I still try to hoover and troll my son until my dying day, because I just cannot accept the harsh reality. I’m so sad and filled with regret and paranoia, because in the state that I live, there is no statute of limitations and despite my husband being dead, I could still be held accountable for things…for crimes of child abuse.

I’m so old and sickly now and he just needs to forgive and forget and help me. I called him last year to try to get him back in his good graces, but he paid me nothing but dust. Can’t he just get over it?

What an ungrateful, selfish and entitled being have I brought into this world? Dear God, why me??

I worked a job all my life for 30 years I worked every day, 40, 50, 60 hours a week. I never called in sick and always shoed up to work. I dont deserve this!!!

I swear if I get one more chance, I’ll finish what I started and finish him off for good.

CARIE

I agree. Sometimes it is solely the adult offspring who decides to ignore a loving parent. Because of their own mental health or problems that have nothing to do with the parent. Sometimes the parent is at fault, sometimes the parent has done everything possible to be a loving parent, and yet the adult child develops negstively, for whatever reason, and blames the parent. They are now adults, with their own minds and make their own decisions, sometimes v bad decisions. And sometimes they have been groomed and brainwashed by the other revengeful parent, or someone else, for whatever reason, influences them.

sasha

Adult children, especially if narcissistic parents, codependent dynamics, self centered parents, addicted parents, or otherwise unhealthy dynamics absolutely do need to learn that they need to value their own feelings above that of others. Especially demanding parents that are unlikely to give reciprocity in that way.

And that’s a common dynamic a lot of young adults (especially oldest daughters) have to learn for a healthy life and adulthood.

Also because parents are the ones ~20+ years older. The ones who made the rules, set the standards, and a lot of times acted abusively, neglectfully, hyper controlling, unsupportive, or otherwise setting they’re children up for failure. They’re the ones who had the autonomy, and thus the sole responsibility for the earl foundations of the parental relationship.

Largely unintentionally, but it compounds a lot harder when it’s ignored, excused away, dismissed, or even expressing feelings associated with it is met with backlash, defensiveness, or even punishment (including guilt trips).

Children don’t get mental health or even addiction issues out of nowhere. It’s pretty much always a split between genetics and the environment they grew up in/spend too much time in. The kids are not the reason they were never taught how to socialize, stand up for themselves, resolve conflict, set appropriate boundaries, or any number of practical or social life skills they’re parents should have taught them.

And when those children realize how severe their issues are, how much hard work they’ll need to spend years or even decades to really heal from it and become truly healthy, how unapologetic or even victim blamey their parents get about it, when they are attacked by their own parents for having the difficulties, mental ilnesses, set backs, etc those same parents imposed on them. The strong emotions can start and could result in either lashing out or engaging in avoidance, at least until their emotions are sorted out and they figure out if it can be a healthy relationship in adulthood despite the childhood.

Once they see their parents never really cared about them as actual individual people but about how well they can fullfil their idealized “child role”. Once they start having healthier relationships and no longer find comfort in the emotional landmine their family of origin provides. Once they see how nastily or disrespectfullh they treat the estrangement.

It becomes pretty clear the need to leave entirely

Especially as it relates to generational trauma and the divide between people that want to heal and fix it and do better and those who want to cling to it because “well that’s how I was raised and i turned out fine”. Those who prioritize ending the cycle definitely wouldn’t want their own children exposed to a toxic environment and complete dismissiveness to the impact on the child and the adult replicating their own toxic childhood experiences. and often their children and how those grandparents act or may act towards them are the main inspiration for cutting contact.

For parents it’s a lot harder to justify. You chose to have kids and then didn’t like what you got? The health, the gender, the support needs level, the struggles, the interests, the sexuality, neurology? Then you really shouldn’t have been a parent. And rather than blaming the child you chose to have for being who they are, for how difficult you findbeing a parent, for them having the needs they have, and making choices they think are best for their own lives,

you really should reflect on your own failures and stop trying to childishly yell “but what about her, she started it. No fair I’m always getting blamed.”

Last edited 1 year ago by sasha
Kelly A Bergeron

That was a one-sided pile of garbage. Huff and puff, dear Lord! No reality there at all!

Erica C.

Your attitude towards a perfect stranger is “garbage.”

I can only imagine how badly you treated your child to make them want to leave you.

Sasha

I can’t imagine why your children chose to live their best life without you

Last edited 11 months ago by Sasha
Debra

Disrespectful garbage seems you would have learned something from your past experience you are rude

Debra

I can see why you would blame your parents you have issues

Lee

Right on! Debra! I haven’t seen a post from Sasha that’s positive. Whatever, it just likes to cut good people down

Stro

Methinks she’s here to stir the pot.

Lisa2

What a well written reply. I have been surprised by the comments that I’ve read thus far. Yours has been the only one that makes me believe that you have an understanding or experience about why children sometimes choose to alienate/break with family members. I’ve witnessed this in my family and had much rather that the person protect their mental health. While it has been painful to be estranged from them, I have to respect their reasoning.
Counseling could be a good idea to either with an estrangement and perhaps lead to a path to reconciliation. If either of my children decided to cut me out of their lives, I’d definitely be doing what I could to try to reconcile, including figuring out my possible contribution to the situation; there’s a reason someone chooses to do this. It may be a mental health issue on their part but maybe it’s something hurtful/damaging that can be resolved.

I wish everyone who is estranged the best. Life is short.

Debra

Seriously??

Louisa Maris

If you spent too much time listening to your peers, then blame the environment.

Carol Peacock

Oh bla bla bla! Parents love their children and do the best they can. We are wired that way! There are very few parents that really are willfully bad and they will have to answer for that. My belief is that children are responsible for honoring their mother and father. There is no qualifier – like you should only honor your parent if they were good according to your judgement. Parents have been “messing up” their kids since the beginning of time! Sure, I had to put some distance between my mother and I for a few years in my adult life. Yes, I felt like my kids lost out from not having grandparents around for a few year. Even so, I felt it was my responsibility to figure out a way to honor them and treat them with kindness and respect because – duh, they were my parents! I’m here to say that you can do it, and you children can do it! It may take a year, it may take decades. Parents – you did a good job! Yes, be willing to admit your mistakes – and to your children too – if you want. But, know that you loved them and raised them the best you could. And you know who loves them even more than you do? – God. He’s in their hands wether you have a relationship with them or not. (at lest this is what I believe)

Erica C.

I don’t trust anyone whose OWN children don’t like them. Most smart people don’t, either.

Cathy

Well, that is just sad… all I did was try to protect my granddaughter whom my daughter was beating her. May the lord show you the way.

Erica C.

No, it’s not sad. No one knows you better than your children.

So if they believe you’re so problematic that a relationship is impossible, why should anyone else assume one will work with you?

Judi Stansberry

Two sides to every story, sometimes it’s the child’s issue.

Shelley

Sorry but how on earth would you know?

Suzi

How do you decide IF it’s one child who estranges himself and the other remains close? Maybe you need to rethink your all or nothing decision.

Jeff

That’s just dumb there are always two sides to a story how smart are you when you only listen to one side

Judi Stansberry

Wow thats pretty judgemental, hope you never have to experience estrangement

Stro

On. The. Floor. And you know NO crazy children at all!. But I’m so sure you know lots of crazy parents. But of course, they’re only crazy because of their parents! You’re too hilarious!

Murf

If a parent closes their ears to their kids, God closes His ears to the parents (proverbs 21:13 / james 2:13).

If a parent says bla bla bla to their child or their feelings, James 2:13 will sum up the parents life until they do listen.

It’s not a game.

Just because you tried to get to work on time doesnt mean you shouldn’t worry about getting fired. Not having that conversation as to why you were late to work doesnt have to happen if your not worried about keeping the job. Same with our kids.

My 2 cents

Robin

If “oh bla bla bla” is how you respond to your child’s emotional needs, then you have your answer why you don’t hear from them any more.

Sasha

Your religion is your business. But you have no right to impose it on me your (ADULT) children, or society at large. Assuming you are from the US or any other country that is not theocratic.

If Christian values, beliefs, and commandments work for you good on you. I never liked them personally. I prefer satanism. More obligation to not abuse children or violate others rights,and less to maintain respect and relationships with those who abuse you (parents, romantic partners, religious leaders etc)

If you can’t respect that other people have rights to not follow your religion, that’s for sure a you problem for why people don’t like being around you.

Sasha

A huge reason i left the Christian cult was because of it’s pro abuser culture. An environment that encourages violent parenting and fbis myth that just because it’s parenta they mean well, try their best and are entitled to treat their kids however they want (especially after csa, breaking bones, etc). That Shane, bully, and otherwise further traumatize the victims to maintain hierarchy and their sense of control.

No. Thanks. Not at all. Not interested in your religious excus

Bayley

Carol, Carol, Carol. I think I see what the problem is here. You spent too much time listening to your pastor and not enough time listening to your kids. Not everyone respects the Bible. To me it’s a vile collection of horror stories with an antiquated and barbaric ethic.

Debra

Excellent carol

Ingrid

Who is this person? I suspect Sasha is an immature person in his/her 30s, who has wandered into this chat and wants to rage at older people. Fess up, Sasha. Who are you?

Debra

You need to be in a site for traumatized adult children Some parents did nothing wrong at all so admit that and stop acting like your experience is the only truth!!!!! And

Stro

Dear god, of course they get mental health issues and addiction out of nowhere. Chemical imbalances and weak wiring.
You do realize that biological science exists? And not everyone, maybe not even you, is a victim?
Ugh.

Lisa

Omg yes I agree. Why is it always the adult child’s feelings that matter more than the parent who has loved and provided them a healthy childhood. I am seeing more it is the immature adult children not valuing important things in life like family due to social media and other factors. Why else would this be more common now except for social media and the decline in actually talking face to face and resolving conflict. It’s easier for these young adults to block and not deal with anything.

Jacqueline

I agree, social media plays a large part in this garbage. For most of us, all the basic needs we provided including the unconditional love is now somehow toxic behavior. God help us.

pillowss

No, it was my mother in this case who did not deal with anything. “My way or the highway”.

Anonymous

I think there is an element of truth to all that is said. However, I grew up in a horrible environment as a child. A severely alcoholic mom and virtually no father in my life. I never had children. However, my sister followed the path of my mom when her children were young. I was there for all of them equally. Since two of the four have become adults, two turned on me. Those two out of the four are very similar in personality. Neither accept any responsibility for their actions and one in particular blames everything in his life for his shortcomings. He has poor me syndrome. I learned based on my upbringing being horrible, I had a choice as an adult. I could remain a victim and stay stuck or find a path forward realizing I was responsible for my actions. I do think as a society we have gotten lax. I never disowned my mom. I learned you can hate the behavior and still love the person. Today, we have kids murdering one another and their parents. More now than ever. Respect seems to be a thing of the past. Kids are detached from their emotions more now than ever. Violent video games desenize. Interactions are through a screen. Emoji’s in place of emotions. Bullying is on the rise etc. Is there familial responsibility to some of this, yes. To solely blame parents is not fare. Society as a hole is to blame as well. Society that encourages estrangement rather then striving to help find a path forward. Brainwashing and teaching kids it is ok to disrespect parents. Society’s demands requiring both parents to work just to stay ahead. This promotes less time at home with kids. Everyone has a part is my point. We can blame one another or look at the situation as a whole. There is enough blame to go around. Kids need not be left off the hook for personal responsibility as adults because of a crappy childhood. I do believe in boundaries. Realistic ones.

Judi Stansberry

Totally agree

Holly

Lisa, right on! I bet all these negative so called adults are on social media. You’re completely correct how they react.

Connie