From Judged to Invisible: The Impossible Way Women Are Expected to Age
Women are judged long before we ever understand what judgment is. Our bodies are evaluated, ranked, compared, whispered about, laughed at, or picked apart – often by the very people who claim to love us. And then, as if by some cruel joke, after decades of scrutiny and self-surveillance, we are suddenly told we’re invisible.
Learning Societal Lessons in Childhood
Before I was even a teenager, I learned exactly what society thought of me (or at least the people closest to me at that point in my life). I was made fun of for my “big, ugly” feet, my large forehead, my “big” thighs, and my “flat” chest. I absorbed every comment like it was a fact, not an opinion. In high school, a classmate called me “Frankenstein” because when I wore my hair pulled back in a ponytail, I exposed my “huge” forehead. Her comment landed with such force that I immediately cut bangs to hide the “bad” forehead she had so generously pointed out.
By My 30s, I Was Thoroughly Trained
When my marriage ended at 37, I celebrated my divorce the way many women do: by trying to “fix” the parts of myself I believed were wrong. My gift to myself was a boob job – because in my mind, getting rid of that “bad flat chest” was the perfect divorce present. Why grieve when you can cosmetically upgrade?
Then Came My 40s
Purely by accident, I landed an on-air hosting role for a new design show on TLC/Discovery Network. I should have been proud, but instead I received a piece of advice from my best friend at the time – a famous actress who was no stranger to needles and scalpels: “Buy yourself a top lip,” she told me.
Of course. I was about to be on television, so naturally I needed to do something unnatural to my face to look the part. I ended up with a “semi-permanent” lip injection from her facialist – a teeny-tiny bit in both the top and bottom lips, just enough to be “camera ready.” That’s what I told myself.
The 50s and Menopause
In my 50s I celebrated menopause, the grand finale of womanhood. The unexplained weight gain, the emotional upheaval, the shifting body that refuses to obey. That decade was a war with my reflection. I once told my sister before we went out that I needed to put on some makeup. Her response? “Who cares? No one’s looking at us anymore anyway.”
It was also during my late 50s that I learned that two acquaintances of mine (one my age, one already in her early 60s) were exchanging screenshots of me via text, dragging my bangs and my “puffy” face (sadly, some grown women do still behave like “Mean Girl” middle schoolers with nothing better to do).
Womanhood Arc
So that’s the arc: we go from being relentlessly judged – picked apart for every feature, every flaw, every deviation from the ideal – to being told we’re irrelevant. After spending decades trying to be pleasing, presentable, and perfect, we age out of visibility entirely.
Sarah Jessica Parker captured this perfectly when she responded to the barrage of criticism about her gray hair and her lines. She called it what it is: misogynist chatter. She pointed out that the scrutiny she faced would never be aimed at men. I liked how she asked what she was supposed to do about aging – stop aging or disappear? She spoke aloud what so many of us feel: that there is a strange, sinister enjoyment society takes in watching women “pained” by their own aging.
What Society Wants of Us Is Impossible
This is the impossible landscape women navigate: be beautiful, but not vain; sexy, but not trying too hard; youthful, but not fake; thin, but not obsessed; flawless, but “naturally.”
This is the impossible landscape we navigate. And when we inevitably fail at achieving the impossible – we vanish.
But here’s the truth: invisibility is not an indictment of our worth. It’s an indictment of the culture that taught us to measure it. As I explore in my book, The Sovereign Self: Emotional Mastery for Women in Their Sixties and Beyond, perhaps the freedom of this age is not that we are finally invisible. Maybe it’s that we are finally free to decide what deserves our attention, including our own reflection.Bottom of Form
Let’s Start a Conversation:
When did you first realize that being noticed was not the same as being valued? Has aging made you feel invisible – or has it made you less willing to perform for other people’s approval? Whose judgment do you still hear when you look in the mirror, and are you ready to stop carrying it?
Tags Empowerment
article was really good. i am 80 but as a kid and well into my teens my uncle would constantly say “let’s measure noses” i don’t know why and that made me very uncomfortable thru out my life always wanting to get my nose done’ i would have if i weren’t squeamish, on how they did the surgery. my brothers never really said anything mean like that. I hope that maybe someone reading these comments realize that what they say to young girls has an impact.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s remarkable how a comment made casually to a young girl can stay with her for decades and shape the way she sees herself. Your story is an important reminder that adults need to be thoughtful about the messages we give children about their appearance. I hope someone reading your comment takes that lesson to heart, too.
Thanks Stacey I enjoyed your article and it resonated with my experience. Mostly I’m ’over it’ but even at 69yrs old the comparison stuff can creep in and disrupt my confidence – and I’ve been teaching and coaching women for more than 35yrs to have positive mindsets. It’s pervasive in our society and only a minority of women avoid it. Well done for the book – will you be doing an audiobook? Best wishes
Yes, same here, Chris. I’m mostly over it too, but we’re still human, right? Even after all the inner work, comparison can sneak in because the conditioning is so pervasive. I love that you’ve spent 35 years helping women build positive mindsets – what important work. And thank you for asking about the audiobook! I’m hoping to complete it by the end of the year.
I could not care less what other people think about me. I pay no attention to other people. I am confident in myself and my value and actually prefer to be invisible. Comparison only leads to negative feelings.
I love this, and honestly, I admire it. There is real freedom in not organizing your life around other people’s opinions. I also love what you said about preferring to be invisible, because that reframes invisibility as a choice rather than a wound. And yes, comparison rarely takes us anywhere good. Thank you for adding this perspective.
Well that’s a loaded question that none of us can truly answer (for you next book…)
Ha! Yes, it may be a question large enough for another book! Maybe none of us can answer it completely, but I do think there’s value in living with the question for a while. Thank you for reading :)
It confounds me how this happens because it did not happen to me. My only explanation was that I was solely raised by a supportive father. I am also very independent. Perhaps this is something to explore. Still OK at 84.
An example: for some time people are deferential to my age. At first it bothered me because it reminded me of how I look old, even thou it was meant well. Now I openly refer to myself and an old lady and I am not bothered. It is difficult enough being old without bothering unnecessarily about my appearance.
I love this perspective, and I think you may be onto something important about being raised by a supportive father. So much of how we learn to see ourselves begins with the earliest mirrors we’re given. I also love what you said about now openly calling yourself an old lady and not being bothered by it – there’s real freedom in taking the sting out of a word by owning it yourself. And I agree: being older asks enough of us without making appearance another unnecessary burden. Thank you for adding such a thoughtful and different point of view.