Letting Go and the Art of Parenting Adult Children
Have you held a baby lately? I recently held little Ezra, a 10-month-old who had recently learned how to do a high five. Once he got the hang of it, he did it over and over. How juicy and delicious.
My babies are David, 28, Melania, 33 and Priscilla, 38. Holding Ezra brought back that wonderful feeling that comes at the start of motherhood.
While I am hoping to be a grandma one day soon, holding Ezra made me think about the stages of being a parent. I realized that parenting adult children is actually another stage. So I did what any modern parent does, I googled it.
Where’s the Advice for Parenting Adult Children?
What did I find? Next to nothing. There are so many books about parenting kids at all stages, especially toddler and teens. As for parenting adults, I only saw one or two links including a CNBC investment blog: “When to cut off children who aren’t financial grownups.” I have included the link, just in case this is your issue.
3 Ways We Need to “Let Go” of Our Adult Kids
As I began to reflect on my own role as a parent of adult children, I realized that parenting adults is all about loving and accepting, while letting go. I want to share what came up during this thought process and ask you about your thoughts on the topic. As far as I can see, letting go requires us to face three important challenges:
Letting go of worry – We need to let go of the fear that something will happen to our kids. It will. That is just life.
Letting go of giving advice – It’s all about accepting their choices. Clearly, they won’t always be the same as the ones that we would have made.
Letting go of guilt-tripping – We need to find a way to accept the fact that our kids have their own lives. We shouldn’t guilt-tripping ourselves for their choices either.
See also: How To Enjoy Your Adult Children After 60.
Letting Go of Worry
Letting go of worry is the hardest of these 3 challenges, for me. As parents, we are wired to protect our kids from the day they were born. David, my youngest son, turned blue in the first half-hour of his life. They sent him in an ambulance across the bridge from Oakland to San Francisco to check out his heart. They would not take me along, so I just had to sit in my hospital bed and wait. I spent a few terrified hours waiting. Luckily, his heart turned out to be fine – and now, he’s 28.
Even now, when the phone rings at an odd hour, my heart goes into my throat. Like the other day, my son called after I was already in bed. My husband picked it up and I heard him say “oh no.” My insides turned to jelly. It turned out that his transmission had gone out. “Whew.” Although, I hate to admit it, I was relieved. It could have been something really terrible.
I have no silver bullet for letting go of worry. In my case, just being aware of my tendency has helped.
See also: How To Divorce Your Adult Children And Restore Your Sanity.
Letting Go of Giving Advice
This is something I have had to learn over and over. I can’t seem to help myself. When I get into judgmental advice mode, the response of my kids is to instantly remind me when advice is not welcome. Here are a few things I have learned never give advice about:
Breaking up – I learned this lesson a long time ago. If they complain about a girlfriend, husband, or partner, I jump in and say a bunch of stuff in agreement – “yeah, she really is a jerk.” They might just get back together and then be mad at me.
What to eat or not eat – This is a big one. Nobody likes someone to be constantly “weighing in” on everything they put into their mouth, especially their mother. It never works.
Telling them not to quit a job before getting a new one – This is so tempting. At the end of the day, it’s not worth it and they wouldn’t listen anyway.
Also, I make sure to just listen and NEVER defend their “horrible boss.” This goes double for saying “I told you so,” even if they have to foreclose on a home they bought with no money down.
Letting Go of Guilt-Tripping
This brings me to the last point, “guilt-tripping.” Guilt-tripping can go either way. We can guilt-trip our kids or guilt-trip ourselves. Neither one is useful.
Guilt-tripping our adult children about how much they call or visit does not make them want to be with us. We need to give them the space to live their lives. So, we should not mind if they like to do some activities with their friends or without us. We have our own lives and they have theirs.
I love to spend time with my kids and their partners. I’m also glad that they like to come for family celebrations, Hanukkah – or, just to hang out. That said, I still recognize that they are now working long days, while I am enjoying semi-retirement.
Guilt-tripping leads to the “r” word when it comes to adult children, resentment. Just like worry and advice-giving, guilt-tripping leads to no good.
We can also guilt-trip ourselves. My goal is to not feel guilty and blame myself for anything my children do or don’t do. I can’t change their career choices, significant others or financial decisions. Life is not easy. It wasn’t easy for our generation and it isn’t easy for millennials. We are all just doing the best we can.
See also: 5 Ways To Tell If You Are Being Too Financially Generous With Your Adult Children.
We come from the generation that didn’t want to “trust anyone over thirty.” We also blamed our problems on our parents. So, if anything, this is payback!
My children are much kinder to me than I was to my parents. I have come to appreciate my parents much more now that I am one. Accepting ourselves and our children is an act of compassion that flourishes and feels so much better when we do it without finding blame or guilt.
I have fond memories of each of my children as they grew up. They were as sweet as little Ezra, the baby I held last week. But, I also love this stage of our relationship. I love having them as adults, friends and confidants.
I enjoy sharing this part of my journey with my husband. I am also truly proud of each of my three children. I am grateful for each of them and their partners who are also, by extension, my children now. When it comes to parenting, the wise counsel is to “let go and let live.”
This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause 100 veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally to take a step without feet. – Rumi
Seeking Mental Health Support as a Parent of Adult Children
Based on feedback from our readers, we believe it’s important to address the topic of mental health for parents of adult children.
As we all know, and as Becki so eloquently wrote, parenting doesn’t end when children grow up – it simply evolves. This transition can sometimes bring emotional challenges that can feel overwhelming. Whether it’s struggling to let go, managing feelings of emptiness, or dealing with lingering guilt or anxiety, it’s essential for parents to prioritize their mental health during this stage of life.
When to Seek Help
It might be time to seek professional support if:
- You find yourself excessively worrying about your adult children to the point of losing sleep or focus.
- Feelings of guilt, resentment, or sadness become constant companions.
- You’re struggling with loneliness or feeling a loss of purpose since your children have become independent.
- Conflicts with your adult children leave you feeling stuck, angry, or emotionally drained.
The Benefits of Therapy or Counseling
Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your emotions, understand your patterns, and develop healthier ways of relating to your children. A mental health professional can:
- Help you identify and address unresolved issues from earlier stages of parenting.
- Offer strategies for managing anxiety and letting go of control.
- Guide you in creating healthy boundaries and rebuilding your sense of identity outside of the parenting role.
- Teach you communication techniques to improve relationships with your adult children.
Self-Care Practices to Support Mental Well-Being
In addition to therapy, simple self-care practices can help you through this stage of life:
- Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices can reduce anxiety and keep you focused on the present instead of worrying about the future.
Read 5 Meditation Apps for Women Over 60.
- Journaling: Writing down your thoughts can help you process emotions and gain clarity.
Read Worry Too Much? How My Experience with Journaling Really Helped.
- Community Support: Connecting with other parents who are experiencing similar challenges can provide comfort and practical advice.
How to Get Started
- Find a Therapist: Look for a therapist who specializes in family dynamics, empty-nest syndrome, or life transitions.
- Online Resources: Many online platforms, such as BetterHelp or Talkspace, offer affordable and convenient therapy options.
- Support Groups: Check local community centers, senior centers, or online forums for support groups tailored to parents of adult children.
Breaking the Stigma
It’s normal to feel hesitant about seeking help, especially if you’ve been taught to “handle things on your own.” However, asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Your emotional well-being not only benefits you but also improves your relationships with your adult children.
Taking care of your mental health allows you to show up as a more grounded, supportive, and accepting parent. Letting go of old patterns and embracing professional support when needed is a gift – to yourself and to your children.
Read The Detachment Wall: How to Let Go of Your Adult Children.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Which of the parenting adult children challenges mentioned in this article do you find most difficult and why? What advice would you give to the other parents of adult children in the Sixty and Me community? Please join the conversation.
Thank you so much for this very useful article which I stumbled across whilst in an emotional state after feeling I’ve failed as a parent. My daughter is going through a tough time following her marriage breakdown. I’ve been trying to help her in many ways but I’ve ended up making myself ill. I suffer anxiety and depression and have taken a nosedive feeling completely overwhelmed and in a total state. My daughter has now backed away and has said she will no longer ask for my help as it’s making me ill. I understand this is a wonderful thing to do but I now feel a failure as a mother. I don’t know how to feel.
The most challenging thing for me is believing my children will become independent, healthy members in society. My 23 year old has significant challenges with ADHD. My 21 year old has challenges maintaining good nutrition, and is trans-nonbinary.
Good information but everything out there talks about mothers who are married. I don’t have a mate or a best friend to help me through this.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I have often run to google to figure out parenting as my son, now 24, reached different phases in development: high school, college, career choices, work, etc and found very little information. I struggle with feeling like I still need to provide financial, travel, and dining experiences now that my financial footing is much different from when he was a young boy. He will be 25 soon and I have set this age as my marker for making adjustments to how I parent going forward. It is time to focus on my own life and just support him with his, but I cannot help feeling like we are still tied at the hip. This was a helpful article.