Who Are You When There Is Nothing to Achieve?

When I turned 70, I finally let myself stop working full-time. I figured I’d keep on teaching a course or two a quarter to “keep busy,” and then play more. The first thing to hit me was loneliness – no meetings or colleagues to talk with. The second punch was having no heart for teaching anymore. I was done. So, few friends, limited hobbies except house upkeep busyness left me feeling depressed and wondering what to do with my dismal days. There had to be another way to live these years of freedom.

“Retirement” is lauded as freedom from goals, breathless schedules, and stress. It is true, I didn’t want another goal to pursue. I found myself searching for what life might offer when more achievement isn’t the objective.

We get stuck in focus on belonging and achieving. My work and raising my grandson gave me both of those. Now, both were gone.

Belonging and Achieving Are What We Know

Belonging is a fundamental need for all of us. As women, we often find our sense of belonging as caretakers for friends and family. Taking care of the home, meals, and children tends to fall to women; of course, in more recent times some of that is being shared. This traditional woman’s role is an important one for the family unit and valuable for our communities. It is how we, as women, know belonging.

For the Boomers and after among us, we added another role, one of being an achiever. Remember the 1980s’ suits with shoulder pads and our quest to match men in their work roles and compensation? I feel amazed at what I managed to juggle with a husband, daughter, home and career during my 40s. How in the world did I do it? We have made some advances. Still, women continue to balance the belonging and achievement roles; it continues to be stressful and sometimes frustrating.

Then, we enter retirement, with the family grown, sometimes the marriage dissolved or different, and we no longer have the constant pursuit of equality. Obviously, a rest is well-deserved. But, for how long? We are in this phase for at least two decades, and probably more. We are left to figure out how to fill the years or simply let time pass.

Filling the Void

Notice that our focus earlier in life was almost entirely on external factors – our family, our work. We looked outside ourselves for a sense of direction and purpose. The roles of earlier phases of life are clear, whether we follow them or not.

The role of being an older woman in western society is not so clear. At 65, we may feel not needed anymore and invisible to others going about their busy lives. So, we busy ourselves finding ways to be needed and involved in life – or make our lives ever narrower. We are traveling with an outdated roadmap for our stage of life.

Our caretaking role may continue for a while. Many of us have parents or other family members who need our care. We may go through a period of being active grandparents.

This is a continuation of the focus on belonging. What we give is important yet driven by the needs of others. These commitments are temporary.

Some of us decide to volunteer so there is a schedule for the week and a feeling of contributing. It often is driven by a need to be busy and somehow mattering to the world.

“Filling the void” is still addressed by looking externally for how we are needed. We have other choices that are far more fulfilling.

What if we “flipped a switch” and decided to listen to what matters to us. What is that?

Fulfillment Replaces Achievement

What if belonging and achievement took on a more balanced role in your life? What if you living what fulfills you personally became your focus? That doesn’t mean you don’t fill your roles as grandparent or caretaker. It does mean that you finally have the opportunity to listen to yourself, to notice what gives you life personally.

But, isn’t that selfish? The answer is, “No.” You are contributing to the world as the woman you have become, not the role you are playing.

Begin by acknowledging the woman who has honed gifts and talents over your life. You are capable in many ways, have developed unique talents, and have qualities the world needs. Then, spend some time noticing what you feel drawn to, what makes you feel alive, what captures your attention. If you are not practiced at listening for what energizes you, give yourself time. Simply begin to notice. It is right there.

Finally, let yourself follow your interests and inclinations. What synchronicities arise? Who enters your life to support you? Begin to take steps toward what draws you. Notice how you feel and what happens.

The whole point is that the map for our phase of life is the one you create. It is based on you living who you are called to be now. It is from this place that you find fulfillment and make a lasting mark on the life around you.

I built BecomingYouAfter60.com for exactly this life phase where there are no roles left to play but your own. To get started, you can access the first module of the Companion Library for free. It’s the first step, and there’s more waiting when you’re ready.

Also read, I Never Want a Purpose Again! …I Want Meaning.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What is calling to you now, that you didn’t have room for before? Are you driven by achievement or something else? I’d love to hear what you’re noticing.