The Detachment Wall: How to Let Go of Your Adult Children
Some of us moms have a problem with our attachment to our children, to the point where the bond can become unhealthy.
Can we love our children but not let their choices or behavior make us crazy? Is some detachment actually a good idea?
Is Detachment a Wall?
The idea of detaching from a person can seem terrifying. But is there a way to practice healthy detachment?
Another way of thinking about it is this – when we live detached, we are not placing a wall between us and others. Instead, we are examining our own expectations and dependencies.
With those in perspective, we are freer to love another person because the focus is shifted to them and is not solely on us.
With our adult children, though we love them unconditionally, we try to satisfy unmet needs in us:
- Our need to be needed.
- Our desire to nurture someone.
- Our desire to see that our work and love produces an effect – a child who loves us back.
What we often do is keep a picture in our minds of our child and how they will fulfill these needs and desires for us. What happens when that child rejects us? In my case, and for many other moms, we completely freak out!
What Went Wrong
When we are ‘good mothers,’ we begin to define ourselves by our mothering. While this can be positive and can encourage us to fulfill our role responsibly, by totally adopting that definition we can forget all the other aspects of ‘me.’
When we are our role, when that role is challenging, or when that role is over, what is left of ‘us’?
In dealing with estranged children, we still tend to look within ourselves. We ask ourselves what we did wrong. We obsess over every interaction and question whether we could have responded differently.
Read HOW TO DIVORCE YOUR ADULT CHILDREN AND RESTORE YOUR SANITY.
Also read HOW TO DEAL WITH HAVING AN ESTRANGED ADULT CHILD.
This Monday-morning quarterbacking neglects some basic facts about humans:
You Can’t Control Other People
We surely have influence over our children, but we do not mold them like clay. When they don’t turn out the way we planned, we neglect this fundamental truth.
The Power of Letting Go: How to drop everything that’s holding you back on Amazon
You Can’t Rely on Your Children for Your Happiness
We may have looked ahead to our golden years and seen ourselves surrounded by loving grandchildren. This neglects another fundamental truth: People change. If we rely on other people for our happiness, we may be disappointed.
My source of joy and happiness is an inside job, not dependent on the actions of others.
Find Your Joy: A Powerful Self-Care Journal to Help You Thrive on Amazon
Your Emptiness Is Yours to Fill Up
Your adult children don’t exist solely to fill the void of your unmet needs. Do you need the love and admiration of children and grandchildren to be happy? Perhaps meeting your own needs by loving yourself sufficiently will bring more peace and satisfaction.
Complete People Can Love Completely
I remember well the first time my young daughter gushed about a new boyfriend, saying, “He completes me!” We had many long talks deep into the night discussing how love can be real and true only when two people who are complete within themselves come together.
True love rejects the notion that the other exists solely to please you. True love is therefore not threatened when the other displeases you, because the love is not dependent on the other fulfilling your needs.
Having the other person conform to our desires so we will love them is manipulation, not love. Focusing on “what’s in it for me” is a death knell for true love.
Yet, as mothers, we sometimes forget that in our relating to our adult children. When we can view them with some detachment, when our reactions to them are no longer based on expectations or being dependent on them, we are then able to love them fully and freely.
Do not look at your adult child as completing you, giving you a fulfilled life, or meeting your needs. When you set those aside, you begin to understand love.
What to Do Now?
If you are a hurting mama, laid low in the dust by the estrangement of an adult child, what should you do now?
- Examine your feelings and thoughts. What does it feel like when attachment hurts? What thoughts are you thinking at the time? Can you begin to think differently?
- Be with others and love them, but don’t look to them as your source of happiness.
- Learn to be alone, not lonely. Loving ourselves enough that we can be our best companions is healthy.
- Quit blaming yourself for the state of the relationship. You didn’t and couldn’t control the outcome. Why beat yourself up?
Read WHEN PEOPLE ASK ABOUT MY ESTRANGED CHILDREN… WHAT CAN I SAY?
Here are a few more ideas to help you heal and let go.
- Journal – Writing or sketching your feelings and thoughts puts you in the moment and helps to get you out of your thoughts. Buy yourself a pretty journal and write in it whenever you feel overwhelmed, sad, or lonely.
- Find other mothers in the same boat – Join Facebook groups and share your stories with other women who are going through the same thing. Lift each other up and remember not to fall into the trap of wallowing and continuous negativity.
- Seek counseling or therapy – Look into talk therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy. Online websites like Better Help and Talk Space offer versatile and affordable access to therapists and counselors.
- Read empowering books such as:
Self-Love Workbook for Women: Release Self-Doubt, Build Self-Compassion, and Embrace Who You Are by Megan Logan on Amazon.
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chödron on Amazon
Keep Moving by Maggie Smith on Amazon
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz on Amazon
Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger and Christine A. Padesky on Amazon.
When we are not attached to any outcome in our relationships, then we can be free and happy. When the state of our internal life is more important than our external circumstances – there lies peace.
Read PARENTING ADULT CHILDREN CAN BE AGONY.
Also, MY ADULT CHILDREN CUT ME OUT OF THEIR LIFE.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you still find it hard to let go of your adult children? Or, do you still worry about them and take care of them more than you think you should? Please join the conversation below.
My 23 yr old daughter is seeing a married man who seems manipulative. I have not met him and she and I are at odds/fighting because of the lies. She gives him money and pays his bills. I worry about her self esteem/safety but feel the fights between she and I are hurting her more
I have a 25 year old daughter who has never taken responsibility for her life. She didn’t do schoolwork when I homeschooled her and at 25 she’s just now trying to get a GED. I am disabled and have ptsd and depression and I explained it to my daughter when she was young so she could understand that mommy had problems. But she never matured and acted appropriately herself so it made for a very stressful home. I wasn’t my best self because as a single mom and nobody to support me the entire world was on my shoulders. I gave my daughter appropriate chores to do and she hated housework so she would fight me to get out of work. When she got old enough to leave home alone she lied to me about getting her chores done and I would come home time and time again and she wouldn’t have anything done. We found out she had several disabling autoimmune diseases as she entered puberty and then she became disabled and her health problems took us to Massachusetts General hospital and ultimately Mayo Clinic. Her health problems were very serious but by this point we were in crisis because her dad quit paying child support and I lost our home of 10 years. So we lived in low income housing and dear God are those people the dysfunctional drug addicted dregs of society who are given free or low cost housing and food stamps because it’s cheaper than incarceration. But they made life unbearable because I have severe asthma and they all smoked cigarettes and other drugs and I couldn’t breathe. And the landlords of these places all denied that the tenants were smoking or doing drugs so we had no recourse but to move. This made us homeless several times. The end result of all of this medical trauma of being diagnosed with severe life threatening autoimmune diseases and housing instability and several bouts of homelessness and the abuse of shelter workers towards us took a huge toll on both of our mental health. But my daughter likes to argue incessantly and with all the trauma she faced from the experiences of becoming disabled to the homeless shelter abuse has turned her into a hardened monster. She’s Hella belligerent and her perspective is warped. I’ve tried to help her put into perspective what we went through but she is in a complete dark space and I think she likes it. Yes we went through a lot but so have others and they survived. She is completely unwilling to accept responsibility for the things she did wrong while we were going through all that. She argues with me the second I open my mouth. She still lies about getting on her phone when she’s supposed to be getting chores done. She self harms and talks about killing herself. She gaslight me and lies and makes excuses for her poor choices and bad behavior. I lose it with her because I am burned out by life and she drains me dry and still complains that I’m not there for her. She doesn’t do her own laundry or even brush her teeth half the time and she still demands more of my time and effort to “fix” her and “support” her. She’s absolutely lazy and doesn’t help out hardly at all. She holds grudges and throws up in my face everything I did wrong while I am making a meal for her or washing her clothes for her. I am so done with her I truly can’t stand being around her. My love has gone cold after the ungrateful attitude she has displayed towards me. We’ve tried counseling individually and family and she’s hyper critical of the counselor and doesn’t listen to what they tell her to do especially when it comes to respecting her mother. I’m so done. But I’m scared too because she threatens suicide and says if I move away from her that she’s going to do something and never be found. She said something about hurting herself Tonight and I told her I was going to call the police and she took my phone from me and wouldn’t give it back until I promised I wouldn’t call the police. She’s absolutely out of control and yes I have tried to get her admitted to a mental hospital and she lies and says she’s not suicidal. I’m coming apart at the seams and I don’t handle my emotions well when I’m constantly on a daily or even hourly basis in the middle of yet another argument with her and her refusing to see what she is doing wrong. It’s a horrible situation and she makes promises to the counselor and to me that she never keeps. She does what she wants and respects zero boundaries I try to set. I’m at my complete wits end with her and at this point I want her to leave my house. I just want to have a day where I am not in the midst of arguments with a person who refuses to admit when they are wrong and even if they do they still blame you for everything they did wrong because of some past infraction. When I try and correct her behavior, my parenting is on trial and she tells me what to do and what I am doing wrong. It’s never about her bad behavior that needs correction. She deflects all blame and says I’m the bad guy in the situation. And every single time she starts an argument it’s my fault. I’m really done.
I’m so glad I found this video. I’ve always felt guilty for not having a relationship with my 32 year old daughter where she calls me every few days and I can call her at anytime. We just don’t have that. She is very busy with her career and I’m retired so I’m always comparing our relationship to those I hear about through friends and acquaintances where the mom is seeing their daughter often and getting tons of phone calls. My daughter could pack her own suitcase by age 12 and she is very much like her father…highly intelligent and independent. Her dad and I divorced when she was a h.s. senior and we are both happily remarried. We tried couples therapy for several months but nothing changed. At about the same time I helped my dad with my mom because she developed dementia, finally getting her into a nursing facility because my dad couldn’t cope. He visited her everyday until she passed and I was his support system because I lived closer than my siblings. In the middle of all of this I met someone from my past and in the middle of all of this horrible stress I just let his wonderful warmth shine on me. Something I hadn’t felt in many years with my husband. Your words made me suddenly realize that I should no longer feel so bad about everything. It was such a horrible time and I did the best I could. Thank you.
We sound like we have had similar experiences. I like your attitude about how you feel toward yourself. I wish I could talk with you more.
My adult son had been abused since 10 yrs old by my ex. He doesn’t believe that i was abused, he says i made it all up, i was the abusive one. (My ex was an abuser and i divorced him and destroyed me to all my children, and they believed him). i feel guilty of what my children has become of), he’s 40 now and abusive to me for 30 yrs and even denied my 4 grandkids for 1 or 2 yrs at a time and taught his children to hate me. His wife is abusive too. Both are helpless and become nice to me if they need me. Lately his wife kicked me out of their rental house citing my help is not enough, only 20%. I did the best i could to help them in any given circumstances to the extent of violating the law. Am i wrong to drop them, i don’t like to communicate with them anymore, don’t care about my grandkids anymore. Just dropped them. (They come to my daughters house where i live now, they are friends with my daughter and i am hurt my daughter doesn’t seem to care about me) Am i wrong? i am 70 yrs old, very depressed, with ptsd.
I’m done being a parent. If I could have a do over I would not have had kids. I did my job tho. Took care of them when sick or sad or scared. Encouragement. Made sure they went to college. But as young adults and now middle aged adults they are estranged and have been hurtful and indifferent. If we need to give ourselves self care, I start with resigning the title of parent. My job is done.
I’m reading through these comments & yours is exactly 💯 how I feel. I have raised educated, smart, mentally healthy children, They have a life now & I’m secure in knowing I was part of the positive process of releasing 3 constructive, productive adults into this world. It’s my time to LIVE MY LIFE. I’m sixty years young and here I come world.
I really feel parents need to let go of thier fantasy of what they feel thier adult children “are suppose to offer them”.
Life is fleeting at short & at this age we are in the evening hours.
It’s time for US!
You’re right your job is done, it’s time for you. Too bad you’d say you wouldn’t have children again, maybe they felt that, you didn’t have a caring partner, their father?
I think being a parent is though . . . but I’ll always be a parent to my adult sons, I’m glad I had them both. Watching them grow away is painful because they are involved with job success, raising children, teenage drama, college tuition.
I enjoy watching from a distance and smiling – I’m done with the up’s and downs of all that!