The Detachment Wall: How to Let Go of Your Adult Children
Some of us moms have a problem with our attachment to our children, to the point where the bond can become unhealthy.
Can we love our children but not let their choices or behavior make us crazy? Is some detachment actually a good idea?
Is Detachment a Wall?
The idea of detaching from a person can seem terrifying. But is there a way to practice healthy detachment?
Another way of thinking about it is this – when we live detached, we are not placing a wall between us and others. Instead, we are examining our own expectations and dependencies.
With those in perspective, we are freer to love another person because the focus is shifted to them and is not solely on us.
With our adult children, though we love them unconditionally, we try to satisfy unmet needs in us:
- Our need to be needed.
- Our desire to nurture someone.
- Our desire to see that our work and love produces an effect – a child who loves us back.
What we often do is keep a picture in our minds of our child and how they will fulfill these needs and desires for us. What happens when that child rejects us? In my case, and for many other moms, we completely freak out!
What Went Wrong
When we are ‘good mothers,’ we begin to define ourselves by our mothering. While this can be positive and can encourage us to fulfill our role responsibly, by totally adopting that definition we can forget all the other aspects of ‘me.’
When we are our role, when that role is challenging, or when that role is over, what is left of ‘us’?
In dealing with estranged children, we still tend to look within ourselves. We ask ourselves what we did wrong. We obsess over every interaction and question whether we could have responded differently.
Read HOW TO DIVORCE YOUR ADULT CHILDREN AND RESTORE YOUR SANITY.
Also read HOW TO DEAL WITH HAVING AN ESTRANGED ADULT CHILD.
This Monday-morning quarterbacking neglects some basic facts about humans:
You Can’t Control Other People
We surely have influence over our children, but we do not mold them like clay. When they don’t turn out the way we planned, we neglect this fundamental truth.
The Power of Letting Go: How to drop everything that’s holding you back on Amazon
You Can’t Rely on Your Children for Your Happiness
We may have looked ahead to our golden years and seen ourselves surrounded by loving grandchildren. This neglects another fundamental truth: People change. If we rely on other people for our happiness, we may be disappointed.
My source of joy and happiness is an inside job, not dependent on the actions of others.
Find Your Joy: A Powerful Self-Care Journal to Help You Thrive on Amazon
Your Emptiness Is Yours to Fill Up
Your adult children don’t exist solely to fill the void of your unmet needs. Do you need the love and admiration of children and grandchildren to be happy? Perhaps meeting your own needs by loving yourself sufficiently will bring more peace and satisfaction.
Complete People Can Love Completely
I remember well the first time my young daughter gushed about a new boyfriend, saying, “He completes me!” We had many long talks deep into the night discussing how love can be real and true only when two people who are complete within themselves come together.
True love rejects the notion that the other exists solely to please you. True love is therefore not threatened when the other displeases you, because the love is not dependent on the other fulfilling your needs.
Having the other person conform to our desires so we will love them is manipulation, not love. Focusing on “what’s in it for me” is a death knell for true love.
Yet, as mothers, we sometimes forget that in our relating to our adult children. When we can view them with some detachment, when our reactions to them are no longer based on expectations or being dependent on them, we are then able to love them fully and freely.
Do not look at your adult child as completing you, giving you a fulfilled life, or meeting your needs. When you set those aside, you begin to understand love.
What to Do Now?
If you are a hurting mama, laid low in the dust by the estrangement of an adult child, what should you do now?
- Examine your feelings and thoughts. What does it feel like when attachment hurts? What thoughts are you thinking at the time? Can you begin to think differently?
- Be with others and love them, but don’t look to them as your source of happiness.
- Learn to be alone, not lonely. Loving ourselves enough that we can be our best companions is healthy.
- Quit blaming yourself for the state of the relationship. You didn’t and couldn’t control the outcome. Why beat yourself up?
Read WHEN PEOPLE ASK ABOUT MY ESTRANGED CHILDREN… WHAT CAN I SAY?
Here are a few more ideas to help you heal and let go.
- Journal – Writing or sketching your feelings and thoughts puts you in the moment and helps to get you out of your thoughts. Buy yourself a pretty journal and write in it whenever you feel overwhelmed, sad, or lonely.
- Find other mothers in the same boat – Join Facebook groups and share your stories with other women who are going through the same thing. Lift each other up and remember not to fall into the trap of wallowing and continuous negativity.
- Seek counseling or therapy – Look into talk therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy. Online websites like Better Help and Talk Space offer versatile and affordable access to therapists and counselors.
- Read empowering books such as:
Self-Love Workbook for Women: Release Self-Doubt, Build Self-Compassion, and Embrace Who You Are by Megan Logan on Amazon.
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chödron on Amazon
Keep Moving by Maggie Smith on Amazon
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz on Amazon
Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger and Christine A. Padesky on Amazon.
When we are not attached to any outcome in our relationships, then we can be free and happy. When the state of our internal life is more important than our external circumstances – there lies peace.
Read PARENTING ADULT CHILDREN CAN BE AGONY.
Also, MY ADULT CHILDREN CUT ME OUT OF THEIR LIFE.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you still find it hard to let go of your adult children? Or, do you still worry about them and take care of them more than you think you should? Please join the conversation below.
My daughter lives overseas. Thousands of miles away..i havent seen her since 2008. I try to keep in contact with her but nothing. I feel she has completely forgotten me in her busy lifestyle. I dont even know her anymore. Read your article and thank you
I am not a mother but, a 55 year old Aunt. My niece (now 28) and I had a close relationship when she was young…my sister and I have never been close (maybe speak once a year these days) but I had a nice friendship with my brother in law (now also maybe speak once a year). When my niece was little, our family would get together for wonderful holidays, birthdays and other celebrations. Then my sister/brother in law/niece moved closer to my brother in law’s parents, my niece grew up and our family stopped getting together for all of those nice events – my entire family has not had a holiday together in about 18 years because my sister/her family chose to spend it with my brother in law’s folks. I felt (and still feel) like I bother them when I would try maintain a connection. This article was perfect for me in helping me to step back and look at what it is that I’m needing from my niece and, not having kids myself, I can see that I miss having someone to nurture and, that wonderful feeling of a child being excited to see you and play with you. I’ve reflected on what I may have done wrong: did I not reach out enough, did I not try to visit her enough when she was in her teens, etc but see there’s no point in doing that. I can actually thank my niece for her lack of interest because it’s shown me that I definitely have lost my connection to myself and could use some work on self love and compassion. My brother in law said many years ago that I need to realize that she’s grown up….he’s right. But, I was hoping to have an adult relationship with her as they do. I realize I need to focus on the people that DO want to have a relationship with me (in addition to having a better one with myself) so, thank you so much for your website and, this helpful article.
I have been divorced for 24 years. I moved forward raising my kids and rebuilding my life. I thought that I was focusing on me by getting a new Masters in Counseling and was successfully practiced for 14 years before getting very sick with a brain infection, I was the last person/thing I was taking care of. After hospitalization, I endedup losing my house and filing bankruptcy. My daughter got married and moved to another state shortly thereafter. My son followed them a few years later. I made the move to be closer to them. I have lived independently and never asked for any money from them and often helped them out. I did it because it reinforced my desire for “family”. To make a very long story short, I keep running into the wall of not being worthy of their unconditional love. I often observe their bending over backwards over attention by their father/step-mother and/or in-laws. My daughter and son-in-law had my grandson a little over a year ago. He is amazing! They moved to another state due to their jobs. I was i initially told that they wanted me to come (I now have disabilities due to the brain infection)- they wanted me close to help me if need be. Now they have let me know that they would not be able to do that and that I would need to be completely financially and physically able to take care of myself. They encouraged me to move back “home” where I have a support system of friends. I cannot afford to continue to live where I currently live (which is near my son and his new wife). It hurt so bad to hear that my daughter didn’t see herself as a part of my support system. I am devastated to the point of just giving up. I feel as if I am being cast aside.
Hi everyone. Ive done a lot of therapeutic work on this subject. When parents are overly close to their children, its called enmeshment. It is not healthy. My identity was wrapoed around my middle child a lot and it didn’t end well. Our children are not ours, as strange as that sounds. They do not have to love us back. Look up Khalil Gibran and Dr. Shefali Tsabary.
I’m struggling. My son who was 43 was killed in a hit and run accident. This has been really hard to deal with. I go to grief counseling. That helps tremendously. So I have a daughter who is 45. She has backed away from me. She doesn’t ever call. . When I call she’s real cold and gets off as soon as she can. At Thanksgiving I made a very big spread of food and dessert. My daughter and her 2 kids Maci 15 and Maxwell 13 and her husband Mark came over for Thanksgiving. My son inlaw said he ate before he came. My grandson said he was just not hungry. My grand daughter ate a little. My daughter ate a very little. My daughter never sat down. They left just short if an hour. I was devastated. I almost didn’t come out of that. I wanted to just fade away and dissappear. It was hard to begin to start doing what I needed to do to get out. I wrote my daughter a letter I knew I would never give to her. But it helped enough to now reach out to a friend. I got on my knees and prayed to God . I had expectations that my daughter would be helping me with dealing with the death of my son and her brother. Well those expectations were slashed. It’s very hard not to take it personal. . I get sad, I get angry, I get defeated. I guess what I’m hearing is that I just simply need to live my life. Learn to love myself. I don’t know the balance of how often to I try to communicate with her. I do go pick up the grand kids and bring them to my home or we go someplace fun. I was just laying in bed feeling sorry for myself. I hoped writing this would help. It did help BIG! Thank you for listen to my story,
Carolyn
Neen what you commented to Becky was mean spirited. Women and parents on this website need help in navigating these excruciating events in their families. Remember to come from a place of love to help people in their worst experiences.