Not as Happy in Retirement as You’d Hoped? You Might Be Missing This

Are you not as happy in retirement as you had hoped? Please know there are many women out there who feel exactly the same way. Part of the problem might be that you haven’t yet found your rhythm. This article will help you figure out what that looks like for you.

It took me a while to figure out my own rhythm. My husband and I are very different in the mornings: he’s a hare (think Energizer Bunny), I’m a tortoise (think Goldilocks: everything has to feel just right before I move). For a while I tried to sync up with him. It did not go well. When I finally stopped fighting my own rhythms and started honoring them instead, something shifted – not just in my mornings, but in how my whole week felt.

Over a year into my retirement, I’m still figuring out my own rhythm. A typical week for me has some combination of coaching women navigating retirement, exercising, and spending time doing art. As a sidenote, art barely gets attention in the field of healthy aging, but I heard something on NPR recently suggesting that time spent creating or looking at art is as protective as physical activity when it comes to longevity. I’m choosing to believe that. It’s either true or I’ve spent a lot of money on a hobby I was going to pursue anyway.

When the Structure Disappears

For decades, work built the scaffolding for your days. When it disappeared, most of us realized we had no idea how to build it ourselves.

When that structure goes, women tend to land in one of two places. Some fill the calendar immediately – classes, committees, coffee dates, anything to recreate the feeling of a purposeful week. Others want nothing on the calendar at first, which is a completely reasonable response after years of obligation.

Both make sense. The trouble comes when you lean on either strategy because it feels safe rather than because it energizes you — and you end the day feeling a little hollow without knowing why.

There’s research worth knowing about: retirees consistently spend the most time on what makes them least happy – watching television, staying home alone – and the least time on what actually energizes them. Awareness of this is the first step to changing it.

When we’re running on autopilot, we tend to do what feels familiar and comfortable. But comfortable isn’t always the same as fulfilling. The difference usually comes down to whether we’re actually listening to what we want — and whether we’re willing to give ourselves permission to pursue it.

Daily Anchors: Not All Habits Are Created Equal

One of the most effective things you can do is build a small practice into your morning – something that helps you check in with yourself before the day takes over. I call these anchors: deliberately chosen, mindful practices that give the day a grounded starting point. Without them, most of us slip into default mode, doing familiar things on autopilot that don’t actually set us up for a fulfilling day.

After I pour my coffee, I sit in my recliner and write in my journal. The journal is right on the table – it’s there before I even sit down. The coffee triggers it. No decision required. Writing helps me figure out how I want to feel that day and how I want to structure my time accordingly.

For you, maybe it’s sitting outside for 10 minutes before checking your phone, taking a short walk, meditating, or talking with your partner over breakfast – a small act that signals the day is yours before it belongs to anyone else.

Here’s the thing: some of what we do on autopilot is worth keeping – a morning walk, a journaling habit, coffee with a friend. Those are anchors. But some automatic behaviors are just comfortable defaults that crowd out the things that would actually fill us up. The Two-Minute Anchor Audit helps you tell the difference.

Try the Two-Minute Anchor Audit:

1. Write down everything you do on autopilot in a typical day.
2. Next to each one, ask: is this a genuine anchor that sets me up well – or a comfortable default I’ve never really chosen?
3. You don’t need to change anything yet. Just notice.

A good anchor is consistent, attached to something that already happens, and chosen because it supports the kind of day you actually want. Start with one. The day begins to hold its own shape.

I work with one woman whose mornings always start with a flurry of texts to friends – checking in, making sure everyone is okay before she’s had a single moment for herself. It feels caring. It also keeps her locked in the caregiver role she’s trying to shift away from.

What are your automatic behaviors actually doing for you? Grounding you – or keeping you stuck in a pattern you’re ready to move away from?

Weekly Rhythms: One Size Does Not Fit All

Anchors give your days a foundation. Rhythms give your week a shape. And this is where things get genuinely personal – because there is no one correct retirement rhythm.

As you read the four patterns below, notice which one feels most like you – or excites you the most. Choose based on what genuinely energizes you, not just what you’ve always done.

The Spacious Rhythm

You love solitude and find a packed schedule suffocating. A few anchors, a lot of open time. The goal isn’t to fill the space – it’s to inhabit it without guilt.

One subscriber of my weekly newsletter, The Bold Retirement Dispatch, put it this way: “I truly enjoy reading, meditating, and cuddling with my cat. But when I’m asked what I do in retirement, I often hear: But what else do you do?” If you recognize that question – and the frustration behind it – you’re probably a Spacious type.

The Social Rhythm

Connection is your organizing principle. Too much alone time genuinely depletes you. Lunches, walks with friends, classes, volunteering, community – these are what make the week feel full in the right way.

The Project Rhythm

You thrive with forward motion. One meaningful undertaking gives you the focus retirement no longer supplies automatically. The test isn’t whether it keeps you busy. It’s whether you end the day feeling like you did something that genuinely mattered to you – something that left you with a real sense of satisfaction, not just completion.

The Eclectic Rhythm

You love variety. No single thing dominates. Movement, creativity, connection, solo time for quiet activities, meaningful work woven together across the week. That last one is mine – still a work in progress. Some weeks feel great. Some weeks I’m not getting enough art time. That’s what my morning journal is for – it helps me hit the reset button and realign my priorities before the week gets away from me.

When you find your rhythm, the week stops feeling like something to get through and starts feeling like something you’ve actually designed. What matters most is that the rhythm is actually yours. Not your neighbor’s. Not what looks productive from the outside. Yours – arrived at by listening to what genuinely fills you up and giving yourself permission to build around that.

What This Chapter Could Actually Feel Like

What keeps coming back to me, in my own retirement and with the women I work with, is that the shift usually starts small. One anchor that’s genuinely yours. One week where the rhythm feels a little more like you. A Tuesday that ends with you thinking: That’s a good day – and you know exactly why.

One good Tuesday is how it starts.

If you read through those four rhythm types and felt a flicker of recognition – that’s me, that’s the one I want to invite in – I hope you’ll pay attention to that.

I created the free Retirement Vision Starter Kit for women who are ready to look honestly at what’s working and what isn’t. It helps you see where your retirement currently stands across five dimensions of wellbeing – and which ones need more attention. It takes about 20 minutes and it’s free. Most women tell me it’s the first time retirement has started to feel a little clearer.

The Starter Kit helps you identify what’s been missing, which parts of your life need more energy, connection, meaning, or growth – and where to start.

Download the free Retirement Vision Starter Kit

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What’s one anchor or rhythm that’s been working for you in retirement – or one you’re still trying to figure out? I’d love to hear in the comments.