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Why Am I still Single? Is a Very Common Question

By Andrea McGinty December 15, 2022 Dating

As a dating coach, I frequently hear this question: “Andrea, why am I still single? I’m successful, have plenty of friends, a solid social life and interests, and when I put my mind to something, I generally accomplish it.”

So, what is the real reason? Actually, despite all of the above, my answer based on 25 years of experience might sound a bit harsh. But – it’s YOU! You are keeping yourself single. Yep, it’s all you. It’s not the universe, it’s not the lack of single men out there, it’s not your age, it’s not where you live.

I know we all like easy excuses, but I prefer to be direct (graciously!) because I want you to find a loving, fun, happy relationship.

So, here are the top 5 reasons why, in my experience, single people remain single even though they don’t want to be so:

You Don’t Work at It
Yep, work. You’re probably successful in your professional life but that didn’t come from wishing it so. You worked. You had a plan. You knew where you wanted to end up and had a strategy. Perhaps a mentor. It wasn’t luck, right?

Why should dating be any different? Well, it isn’t. If you don’t put in the work, you won’t get the results.

Stuck in Your Comfort Zone
You have a routine, a lovely home, you walk your dog daily, have wine parties with your friends, etc. But, essentially, you are doing the same old, same old. You are stuck and don’t even realize it.

When was the last time you went out to do something new?

No Plan, All Procrastination

Many people think, “Next year I’ll meet someone. I’ll make it my New Year’s resolution.” And we all know how those go! Most are broken the first 10 days of January.

You need accountability and maybe a cheerleader (who isn’t a friend) to break this rut you are in. Think about it: When you pay a golf or tennis pro for lessons, you show up. When you do private Pilates or Yoga, you show up. Why? Because you’ve invested money. You took the step to better your game or health.

I ask the question again: How is dating different?

A relatively new client, Melissa, signed up with me a month ago. She’s 66, pretty, divorced for the last five years, her kids are at college, and she’s super skeptical. Her excuses?

  • “Men want to date younger.” Ok, 20% do, according to Pew Research, but that leaves 80% in the game.
  • “I want to meet someone organically.” What the heck does that mean? The produce aisle? Walking the dog? Playing tennis with your girlfriends?

I get monthly research from a top-notch research firm that tracks all sorts of industries. My report yesterday said that 52,876 singles in the 50–70-year-old age category signed up for online dating LAST WEEK on ONE DAY on one site alone! Do you know what those numbers do in December and January? They rise exponentially! Yep, normal people like you and me.

Back to Melissa for a second. In the past month, she’s gone on six first dates; five of which were right up her alley. She’s been on three second dates and having a blast.

Unrealistic Expectations

He must be 5’9”, slim, no baggage, athletic, well-traveled, etc. etc. etc. Ok, get over your expectations. We all have baggage, though I like to call it Life Experience. Don’t make lists of wishes. Instead, go straight back to the most important factors in a relationship: Chemistry, Communication and Common Values. So, what if he’s 5’7” and skis and you golf? Do you really want a mirror image of yourself? You’ll be bored to death.

Fear of the Unknown

Unfortunately, many are afraid of internet dating or just getting back out there in general. I have the cure – practice. If you’re suffering from insecurity about dating or just general nerves or angst, get help. My cure? 5 dates in the first few weeks will restore your faith in the dating world and make it much less acscary.

And dare I say fun? Because I hear that all the time!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What’s holding you back from dating? Why do you think you are still single? Are you listening to single girlfriends instead of diving into dating? What would give you the most confidence to date again?

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PAT J. EDWARDS

Anyone want to email and or pen pal (so to speak) with me?
I live in NW Georgia and would like to connect with a few “potential” friends. Thank you for reading this.

william

I’m single because I want to be. Look at Western culture today. Why put up with nonsense.

Jacques

I’m single for the past 10 years. I’m therefore sad. This Society is not made to meet eachother. Too many scammers

PAT J. EDWARDS

Jacques, do not be sad. It is ok to be happy.
I have to tell myself that every single day.
I have been socially isolated due to car accident of minor injury…but it still hurt.
So be happy. Ok?

Lana Muir

I am single, aged 71 and love dating, absolutely love it. Dating websites are not for me, as the scammers and losers have pretty much taken over. This opinion is based on 30 years of online dating experience. Getting out and about in the world is the right way to do it. I meet great fellows at the grocery store, car wash, library, dog park, tennis and pickleball courts, hiking and skiing. Single men are everywhere. Learn how to flirt a little and let your sense of humour take over! Ask your friends to introduce you to men who would enjoy having a date with you! Let your neighbours know that you would love to start dating again! Go to a local coffee shop every morning at the same time for a month and you will be delightfully surprised how many new acquaintances you will make. Try something new and different! Take a ballroom dancing class this winter, or a cooking class at a local college. Live it up and little and get yourself out of the house.

Jeanne

Lana, I love your attitude. I, too, am 71 and am dating. Getting dates is not the hard part. Enjoying dating past 2 or 3 dates seems to be difficult because men really do seem to be interested in adding a sexual element before I am. Do you find that to be true? How do you deal with that?

Talia

Great questions Jeanne. If you are online dating you can add a comment in your profile about I’m saving sex for marriage or I’m saving sex until I am in a committed relationship or I’m saving sex until I get to know someone well and I feel comfortable with them. This way you can eliminate men who are only after a sexual relationship or who want sex early in the dating process. If you don’t meet these men online you could ask in the first date what their relationship deal breakers are or their relationship expectations and see how they respond. Then you can use this opportunity to state your values about sex and any other relevant information about what you want in a relationship that is not related to sex. This way the men know upfront sex is not going to occur with you early in the dating process. This also saves you time to continue your search for someone else if their values about sex and other matters don’t align/match your own values. This same advice holds true for men who want sex later in a relationship. All the best with your search :)

The Author

Andrea McGinty is the founder of It’s Just Lunch dating service. She sold it and founded 33000Dates.com so she could help singles navigating online dating. In the 2020s, she knows the best way to meet people is through online dating using a professional coach and specializes in singles in their 50s-70s!

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