Making Peace with Your Adult Children When Things Haven’t Turned Out the Way You Expected
Let’s just say it: This isn’t how you thought it would be.
You didn’t imagine your child avoiding your calls.
You didn’t picture a strained holiday dinner, or worse, an empty seat.
You didn’t expect silence, tension, or unspoken resentments.
And yet – here you are.
You raised them with love. You sacrificed more than you ever said out loud. You showed up. You tried. And now, your relationship with your adult child feels uncertain, disappointing, or even nonexistent.
It hurts. Deeply.
And that hurt is valid.
You’re Allowed to Grieve What You Expected
There’s a quiet kind of heartbreak when things with your grown kids don’t turn out how you hoped.
And while the world talks a lot about parenting babies and toddlers, there’s not nearly enough conversation about what it feels like to lose emotional connection with the adult child you raised.
But here’s the truth:
You are still allowed to find peace.
Even in this.
Especially in this.
Here’s How You Start Making Peace
1. Tell Yourself the Truth – Without Blame
You don’t have to pretend it doesn’t hurt. And you don’t have to take full responsibility for how it turned out. Some of this is about your child’s path, not your parenting.
2. Accept That Closure May Not Come on Your Timeline
Reconnection might happen – but it might not. Peace doesn’t mean pretending. It means learning to live honestly without letting pain steal your entire present.
3. Take Your Hands Off Their Process
You can’t fix them. You can’t control their emotional battles. You can love from a distance, but their growth, their healing, their choices – those are theirs to carry.
4. Speak Your Truth If the Door Is Open
If your child is willing to talk, share your heart calmly and clearly. “I know things feel strained. I still love you. I’m open to rebuilding, if and when you are.”
5. Live Your Life, Even with the Ache
This may sound harsh, but it’s necessary: Don’t let a strained relationship keep you from the rest of your life. You still have beauty to find, joy to discover, people to love, and adventures to say yes to.
Peace Isn’t Perfect – but It’s Possible
Peace doesn’t mean you’re “over it.”
It means you’ve stopped waiting for someone else to give you permission to live.
If reconciliation comes, beautiful.
If it doesn’t, you can still write a new story.
You can still be a good mother.
You can still be a whole woman.
You can still be at peace – with yourself and the season you’re in.
Also read, Why Mom Guilt Lingers – and What to Do with It Now.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Are you struggling with your relationships with your adult children? You are not alone. Let’s share our stories here.
Tags Adult Children
I think it is hard for a lot of us to face that the wonderful kids we raised, loved, cared for, cherished, and had so much fun and joy with, have now grown into adults whom we really don’t enjoy being around, and who are let’s just say “challenging” in various ways. It’s hard to accept that our job is OVER. They are grown. They are adults. We need to treat them that way.
I ask myself, if any other adult treated me as rudely, as angrily, as selfishly, as brusquely, etc., as my adult daughter treats me, would I even allow that person into my presence again? And the answer is no.
Toxic is toxic, even if it comes from someone you gave your entire youth to, and all your time, energy, money, and love to. She doesn’t get a pass because we share DNA. Moms, you deserve to be treated with basic respect and courtesy by all adults, and that includes the adult who was the child you raised. (It’s horrifying that all the lessons we taught about kindness and caring and respect, all are gone and this adult person seems obnoxiously rude and self-serving now.)
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice or three hundred times, shame on me. I have stopped putting up with it. It is my responsibility not to tolerate such terrible behaviour and to remove my self from her damaging dama. Hard to do when you still love them.
You have spoken all of my thoughts! My son treats me so badly and I have set boundaries now. I would not anyone else treat me this way I will not accept it from him either! What makes this grown man think he can treat me or anyone the way he does. It has nothing to do with me.
Karen, I am so sorry – for your son and for you (recalling my own brother’s interactions with my mother). I do not understand your last sentence…forgive me…
I’m so glad you set boundaries, Karen. It is incredibly painful to deal with this.
One of my daughters recently said to me and her father, “why do I keep making a big deal about respect, you expect me to control my anger when I talk to you, well I can’t.” She has also challenged us about saying, “this is my house, my rules”. I feel like she has lost her mind. What kind of psychiatrist is she seeing who would tell her to push back at who her dad and I are today and our values? Our values are what got her to where she is today, but that doesn’t seem to count for anything. Another daughter doesn’t speak to us at all and she goes to the same church as us and says she’s a Christian. She’s angry at us for some unknown reason. I literally poured my life into my 5 children, never worked outside the home so that I could be dedicated to their needs. Now only 3 out of 5 of our kids speak to us and include us in their lives. This is the deepest hurt I could ever imagine that could happen to anyone.
Incredibly infuriating, Elyse. Sounds like they are going to my adult daughter’s “therapist,” who told her that because I insisted she help with family chores for ONE hour a day (as her brother had to, too, in a gender-neutral way), I was “abusive”: no one ever laid a hand on them, and only very rarely raised a voice, but yes, we did expect everyone to pitch in, in an age-appropriate way, and learn the skills of daily living as well. We paid for their college, for everything for them. If that’s “abusive” I’ll eat my hat. (Whack-job therapists out there, and social media: insane.) My son is very appreciative (and now has his own kids, and gets it). Not my daughter.
Once in a situation like you describe, I told my then-40yo daughter she sounded like a toddler in a tantrum or a teenager slamming doors, and asked her to please speak respectfully and follow the house rules, as she was a GUEST in our home. This of course didn’t work.
It’s really epidemic. We gave up decades for these ingrates! Well, no more.
The only way to go if to move forward, let them be who they are (and I’m staying out of range), and live your own life well. The daughter I raised and loved is dead. The adult inhabiting her body now is a rude, ungrateful, selfish, jerk who attacks and actually breaks the law. I don’t have to subject myself to that. No one does.
Good luck, Elyse. It’s so hard.
Thank for your understanding and connection Liz. Are we living in world where are adult kids minds have been hijacked with something other than the real truth of sane thinking? Bizarre times we’re living in.
Hang in there Liz. There’s lots of life still to be lived and experienced. Let’s go get it!
Yes!
I taught my kids to treat everyone with dignity and respect. I expect no less than that from them!
Yes—and then when you call them on it, guess what, YOU are the bad guy, the bad parent, the horrible mom: “don’t tell me what to do, your oldschool rules don’t govern ME, you can’t tell me how to act, I’m an adult!” etc—mine lashes out, screaming as if she were a teenager, and becomes enraged. If I calmly repy, “I expect polite language and respectful talk in this house from ALL adults, not just you,” she would get furious and write cruel letters, and then post horrible lies on social media (and even published a vituperous book filled with slams at me. “Never raise a writer!,” is, I guess, the lesson I learned too late).
So I said, nope. No more. You will need to find a new punching bag. And I broke contact with her. Even as it broke my heart, I had to do it to be safe from her attacks. (Also my attorney advised it.)
Love to you. You are not alone as moms who must keep distance from their adult children. Ours has sever mental illness that has gone mostly unchecked by her and still we cannot take the abuse.
So sorry you are going through that, as so many are!
Amen- Do not take abuse from anyone especially your own kid.
Yes, exactly. They call you on the them on things that you have taught them and brought them to a viable, thriving adult life.
Liz I’m so sorry that you have suffered such verbal and written abuse from the daughter you carefully raised with love.
Thank you–and you too, Elyse. We gave up lots of years for them, gladly, and this is the result?! Yikes! Good luck with the book; I look forward to it. Keep us posted here, please.
True but we do not always get it. We can love them but set strict boundaries and not take any kind of abuse for any reason. Many grown adult children do not treat their parents with the respect they have earned. So be it.
Might she be ill with an unchecked type of mental illness?
Had that checked out several times over the years, and no. Just a jerk.
I love your statement, if any other adult treated me as rudely, as angrily. as selfishly, would I allow that person into my life?
I’m reading a really good book about this epidemic called Fault Lines author Karl Pillemer
a professor from Cornell, it has some really good strategies.
Thank you for the reference, I’ll check it out!
Thank you for this comment! My estranged son (the estrangement is HIS choice) has not seen me in almost five years, nor spoken with me in almost that long. Does he get a free pass from me?? – NO. I refuse to ask or beg him for his presence in my life. I don’t really even know why he cut me out of his life (and also out of my grandson’s life) – and at this point, I don’t care. The fact that he could so cruelly do so, after I loved him and tried to be a good mother, shows me that he is not the person I thought he was – though he might say he has valid reasons for estranging himself from me.
Like you mentioned about respect, my son could at least have the basic courtesy to tell me that he is angry and why he is angry – and to give me a chance to address his concerns. NOPE – he just coldly walked away. That’s fine – I won’t put up with it, either. — I cannot say I still love him – because I don’t know who he is, anymore . . . and furthermore, I cannot trust him with my heart. For me, love cannot exist without trust. I loved the beautiful baby boy he was, and I love the sweet little boy and then teenager he was – and I loved the handsome, young adult he grew to be . . . but all of that is gone now. His choice, not mine. My life matters, too. My son can go his own, sweet way. I wish him well.
I’m so sorry it’s happening to you too, Amy. Sounds very wise to make a distinction between the sweet boy you raised and loved, and the adult he has become. Adults are responsible for their actions. 😞Even their rotten ungrateful actions! Good luck and take care of yourself.
This was very timely for me as just when I thought I was supporting my 21 year o’d when many in the family are tired of her mood swings….I got told yesterday how am a big critic. I feel like I bite my tongue over and over again…and she makes something out of a comment that just isn’t true. I just want to love her and be here when she reaches out but I need to stop accommodating her all the time and just live my life.
This is so wise. I have a complex relationship with my eldest – particularly acute atm. He has austism, recently informally diagnosed and with it anxiety which he controls by self medicating. The latter is leading to anger outbursts and (so far) mild paranoia. I am so frightened of the outcome
Take care of urself! Maybe a support group?
Yes, especially when they have issues, our fear can be overwhelming. You need someone to help you be strong!
Issues or not we cannot accept abusive behaviors from anyone.We can love them at a distance.
Feel that and in same place. No help except support groups to vent your feelings. Take care of yourself and hopefully you’ll find a friend that walks your same shoes and can understand!
This is an excellent article One of my children virtually cut me out of her life for awhile and wouldn’t talk about it so I did exactly as the author suggested and she has gradually come around, to some degree. This seems to happen to many good parents these days.
I have a similar situation and it has gone on for 10 years now..son and his family still want a discussion ..rehashing the why’s isn’t something I care to do. So a stalemate seems to dominate. They also have issues with the other grandparents as well …I’m 79 and feel this may be the way things go…so much time has passed and we are also many miles apart.
I will pray for your peace, my dear.
Find your own peace and let them go with much love.
It’s a epidemic, it seems
Mental health issues undiagnosed and untreated are epidemic.
Please define “a good parent “…. There are so many philosophies and advice avenues at present, on How to Raise Healthy, Happy Children. I’m so curious…
No such thing as a “good”, “bad” or “perfect” parent. We do the best we can in general.
Our teen granddaughter also cut us out for over a year due to horrible grands on the other side. We are trying to just now repair and reconnect.
It is so very painful to have an (adult) child cut you off for no reason that you can even think of. Barbara, I feel your pain and understand totally what you said. It’s very hard to go on some days, but I still harbor some hope that she will realize all we meant to her, some day.
Oh boy. I think we shouldn’t make “Gods” of our children and it’s important to do fun activities of our own. People feel positive energy. Been there with being gaslit all the time. I.now no longer have the patience to put up with it.
Yes indeed!
My kids have made me so weary of drama that when I see it coming, I want to run the other way!
Do walk away then. With love and grace.
I’m not going to keep rehashing the past that hurt many of us! I have had therapy and other things and keep trying to be a healthy person! Not doing that talk about it over and over with any relatives who never sought help out!
Julie, therapy was a lifesaver for me. It’s where I learned about boundaries and many other lessons I needed to learn.
YES! I have not one but TWO therapists who are wonderful and have helped enormously.
Good for you. Be blessed, June.
Just let them go with love not hatred.