Making Peace with Your Adult Children When Things Haven’t Turned Out the Way You Expected
Let’s just say it: This isn’t how you thought it would be.
You didn’t imagine your child avoiding your calls.
You didn’t picture a strained holiday dinner, or worse, an empty seat.
You didn’t expect silence, tension, or unspoken resentments.
And yet – here you are.
You raised them with love. You sacrificed more than you ever said out loud. You showed up. You tried. And now, your relationship with your adult child feels uncertain, disappointing, or even nonexistent.
It hurts. Deeply.
And that hurt is valid.
You’re Allowed to Grieve What You Expected
There’s a quiet kind of heartbreak when things with your grown kids don’t turn out how you hoped.
And while the world talks a lot about parenting babies and toddlers, there’s not nearly enough conversation about what it feels like to lose emotional connection with the adult child you raised.
But here’s the truth:
You are still allowed to find peace.
Even in this.
Especially in this.
Here’s How You Start Making Peace
1. Tell Yourself the Truth – Without Blame
You don’t have to pretend it doesn’t hurt. And you don’t have to take full responsibility for how it turned out. Some of this is about your child’s path, not your parenting.
2. Accept That Closure May Not Come on Your Timeline
Reconnection might happen – but it might not. Peace doesn’t mean pretending. It means learning to live honestly without letting pain steal your entire present.
3. Take Your Hands Off Their Process
You can’t fix them. You can’t control their emotional battles. You can love from a distance, but their growth, their healing, their choices – those are theirs to carry.
4. Speak Your Truth If the Door Is Open
If your child is willing to talk, share your heart calmly and clearly. “I know things feel strained. I still love you. I’m open to rebuilding, if and when you are.”
5. Live Your Life, Even with the Ache
This may sound harsh, but it’s necessary: Don’t let a strained relationship keep you from the rest of your life. You still have beauty to find, joy to discover, people to love, and adventures to say yes to.
Peace Isn’t Perfect – but It’s Possible
Peace doesn’t mean you’re “over it.”
It means you’ve stopped waiting for someone else to give you permission to live.
If reconciliation comes, beautiful.
If it doesn’t, you can still write a new story.
You can still be a good mother.
You can still be a whole woman.
You can still be at peace – with yourself and the season you’re in.
Also read, Why Mom Guilt Lingers – and What to Do with It Now.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Are you struggling with your relationships with your adult children? You are not alone. Let’s share our stories here.
Tags Adult Children
My situation is different from this estrangement subject, however Ive been heartbroken and drained for many years with my adult daughter who has slipped through the cracks of society.
She has physical and mental health problems for years, but yet has a forgiving, trusting and gentle heart. She has PTSD, Bipolar etc and various physical health issues. Got involved with a damaged person, and currently homeless due to physical and mental abuse from her partner. Ive tried to help over the years in many ways, but she just kept going back to this person as there wasn’t a better alternative for her.I realised that i was just enabling her by helping her out with money. She’s “finally” connected to a case worker, only due to being homeless. She has always been “the different one” & still not on any government pension, but Ive always suspected she had a mild disability.
The system is currently trying to house her in various rooms and locations and she has nothing with her but a carry bag..I would never have believed it would come to this. My other two adult children have good and strong lives.
So what does a mother do when she can do no more?
We are exactly in your shoes with our adult daughter. It is crushing but boundaries are a must to live our own lives. Releasing them with love and grace. THERAPY!!
When you have done all you can do, you rest.
This article came at a time when I really needed it- thank you!
I have two young adult daughters, ages 25 and 22. I love them both dearly. I adopted my daughters from China as a single mom when they were 12 and 13 months respectively. I have a close and loving relationship with my younger daughter. My older daughter, however, is distant and behaves in ways that are thoughtless and uncaring.
As my daughters were growing up, I did everything possible to connect them to their Asian heritage. Our home was filled with books about both adoption and China. We celebrated Asian holidays, connected with cultural events such as Lunar New Year, and I sent then to an Asian cultural camp. In my older daughter’s mid teenage years she began to engage in self- harming behaviors and became very angry and distant towards me. I took her to several therapists and remained loving and supportive even though her behavior toward me was often cruel.
Fast forward to her college years. I heard about how I never did enough and she referred to me as her “white” mother. I have a very small family and a simple misunderstanding between her and my only sibling resulted in total estrangement between them despite my sister’s efforts to work it through.
Now, she is living on her own. We are not estranged, but I hardly ever hear from her. When I make efforts to communicate honestly with her she becomes angry and defensive, twisting what I say to excuse her behavior. This weekend we had long awaited plans for the three of us to spend Saturday together. I was so happy and excited, yet she blew off the plans and when I shared with her that I was disappointed, no response and no efforts to reschedule. No birthday or Mother’s Day cards. She is often dishonest with me. I feel so sad and heartbroken wishing I understood her behavior and how to repair/improve our relationship. I always wonder what I did wrong, yet I know we each own our thoughts and feelings. It is heartbreaking.
One in four families have some form of adult child estrangement according to recent surveys. There are support groups on Facebook and there are many books out on the subject. If you are experiencing this, you are not alone. Please seek out support to help you through.
My son has been in and out of his adult hood since he became an adult! Mostly in I think when he needed money! Not sure what the issues are and he is 44 now but I did my best and I was a hood mom! I’m sorry he does not keep on touch but it will only work for me if he is working and understanding that he burnt a lot of bridges with a lot of ppl!
It’s so painful that they only call when they need money!
The blame game, when it’s turned on yourself, keeps you down. Even when you think you are covering it well. Guilt serves no-one. Neither me nor my adult child. It sounds easier than it is, even after 20+ years. This is an important issue to discuss openly. I’ve never allowed myself to do this with anyone but long-time, close friends.