Making Peace with Your Adult Children When Things Haven’t Turned Out the Way You Expected
Let’s just say it: This isn’t how you thought it would be.
You didn’t imagine your child avoiding your calls.
You didn’t picture a strained holiday dinner, or worse, an empty seat.
You didn’t expect silence, tension, or unspoken resentments.
And yet – here you are.
You raised them with love. You sacrificed more than you ever said out loud. You showed up. You tried. And now, your relationship with your adult child feels uncertain, disappointing, or even nonexistent.
It hurts. Deeply.
And that hurt is valid.
You’re Allowed to Grieve What You Expected
There’s a quiet kind of heartbreak when things with your grown kids don’t turn out how you hoped.
And while the world talks a lot about parenting babies and toddlers, there’s not nearly enough conversation about what it feels like to lose emotional connection with the adult child you raised.
But here’s the truth:
You are still allowed to find peace.
Even in this.
Especially in this.
Here’s How You Start Making Peace
1. Tell Yourself the Truth – Without Blame
You don’t have to pretend it doesn’t hurt. And you don’t have to take full responsibility for how it turned out. Some of this is about your child’s path, not your parenting.
2. Accept That Closure May Not Come on Your Timeline
Reconnection might happen – but it might not. Peace doesn’t mean pretending. It means learning to live honestly without letting pain steal your entire present.
3. Take Your Hands Off Their Process
You can’t fix them. You can’t control their emotional battles. You can love from a distance, but their growth, their healing, their choices – those are theirs to carry.
4. Speak Your Truth If the Door Is Open
If your child is willing to talk, share your heart calmly and clearly. “I know things feel strained. I still love you. I’m open to rebuilding, if and when you are.”
5. Live Your Life, Even with the Ache
This may sound harsh, but it’s necessary: Don’t let a strained relationship keep you from the rest of your life. You still have beauty to find, joy to discover, people to love, and adventures to say yes to.
Peace Isn’t Perfect – but It’s Possible
Peace doesn’t mean you’re “over it.”
It means you’ve stopped waiting for someone else to give you permission to live.
If reconciliation comes, beautiful.
If it doesn’t, you can still write a new story.
You can still be a good mother.
You can still be a whole woman.
You can still be at peace – with yourself and the season you’re in.
Also read, Why Mom Guilt Lingers – and What to Do with It Now.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Are you struggling with your relationships with your adult children? You are not alone. Let’s share our stories here.
Tags Adult Children
I can’t reconcile that my youngest of three children my 33yr old son doesn’t want anything to do with me for over 10yrs now. It’s affected me so bad that I now live isolated and all alone, i just exist. I stay distant from people as I find it hard to admit I have an estranged child – it makes me feel im not a nice person. It’s made me feel worthless that my own son can cut me off when there was never a falling out. My other son see’s him but cannot help to change things, hes tried and now asks i stop talking about him ehen i visit. I’ve reached out so many times by letter and text to tell him I love him and always there for him and i still send bday and xmas cards with money. I never get any contact from him at all. To not send cards and occasional text would make me feel im worse not to reach out. He completely ignores me. I’m sad, confused and helpless. If I was that bad then i don’t deserve people. I divorced over 30yrs ago when he was 2yrs old. I never remarried and live alone.
Please check out this Facebook group – Parents of Estranged Adult Children
You deserve to heal and have some happiness!
my partner has not had anything to do with his son for many years. When they used to talk the son always asked/demanded money and his dad got sick and tired of his constant demands. That lead to no communication, hence no contact for years. He often says ‘things will bite him on the b.. one day” but really is not interested in opening any communication with his son.
Well as you can see this is a timely subject and I think these estrangements are becoming much more common. Perhaps, as moms who have felt embarrassed to say that we are estranged but have now begun to discuss this more, we find many others who are in the same boat. It helps to talk with others experiencing these losses and often it is something that just came out of the blue. I went for several years before my daughter finally told me what she felt. I acknowledged her feelings even though I felt that her perspective was really skewed. We are slowly building a new adult relationship in which I am grateful for. Much of her perspective was tainted by her fathers (my ex} constant control, trying to make me the bad person in the relationship, even though he was the alcoholic and adulterer. It seems really easy for our children to make us the escape goats.
I’m absolutely struggling in my relationship with my adult daughter. She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in her late teens and things have been mostly terrible between us since then. Is there a chat group or podcast or anything that you can recommend to help get through the grave I still feel. She doesn’t allow us to see our grandchildren and being recently retired. We truly thought we’d be spending our time with our grandchildren, but I know life never turns out exactly as you’d like it, but I struggle struggle so hard. Any advice would be appreciated.
Sharon, I have found several helpful groups. First, two books: Done With The Crying by Sheri McGregor, and Beyond Done with the Crying, same author. She also has a very rich and helpful website called rejectedparents dot net. Look at the most recent posts, and also one called When Your Adult Child Breaks Your Heart: Healing After Estrangement, It has the RICE method of addressing pain: R = rest, I = Ice, meaning “chill out” and she has specific advice for getting a bit of detachment and perspective; C = Compression, meaning hugging, physical touch, massage, etc, and there’s a link to the “havening” movement (It didn’t help me but it helps a lot of people, and the massage suggestion really did help me too). And E of RICE = Elevation: elevate your mental state with doing something good for yourself (go bask in beauty in a museum, listen to music, take a nature walk, make a list of activities that make you feel better, and when the pain hits, get your list and do one or two of those things).
Her site is full of practical, no-nonsense help, much of it for free but also with paid memberships as addons, from one who has been there. She also has a FB group (I don’t do FB so I do’t know what it’s like.)
And the author of this article here, Christine Field, also has a helpful site with lots of readings to share on various topics including estrangement! Hope this helps.
Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Let go of her and release her with love and grace.
My daughter cut me out of her life November 26th 2024 and just won’t speak to me, I’ve been to hell and back, I’ve chosen to re build my life and carry on I carry her in my heart every day, but decided this isn’t going to ruin my life, I hope she’s come back one day but in the meantime I’m enjoying my life the very best I can
Good for you! You already gave a whole lot to the child you raised; now the adult version of that child has to decide how they want to act. I can tell you from experience that not letting an estranged child-adult ruin your life is the right way to go. I wallowed in it for years and finally woke up: life is short, and life is good, and I’m not letting that new-adult-version-of-the-kid-I-raised steal my joy any more!