Contract with My (Imaginary) Future Love
I have worked hard to make my single life pretty amazing, so I am not sure whether I would ever want to fall in love again. Living on your own can be wonderful… and so liberating! But if I did, I would like to make a contract, something I think would have been life changing if I had done it 40 years ago.
Talk to Me
Talk to me. Talk about anything, but just talk. Let me know when you are sad, anxious, worried. Let me know when you are happy, excited, content. Tell me how you feel. I want to know you. Men are often pretty bad at communicating, especially when it comes to feelings. Communication is the key to a happy, healthy relationship, that’s what I want with you.
Don’t Buy Me Gifts
I have had enough gifts to last a lifetime and, to be honest, if I really want something I will buy it myself. Instead do something for me. Write me a love letter, pen a poem, paint me a picture. Plan a special trip just for us, maybe a holiday, a picnic in the park or the back row at the cinema! Clean my car, tidy the house, change the bed linen, cook a meal. I don’t really care what it is, just do something that shows me you love me.
Make Me Feel Special
You found me special enough to fall in love with, so make the effort to make me feel special. It is always the little things that matter, a smile, a kiss as you are passing by me, or a hand on my shoulder. Don’t walk ahead of me when we are out, but hold my hand. Tell me I look nice, and my bum definitely does not look big in anything! Notice if I wear a new dress or get my hair cut. Say something nice, it will make me happier than you could ever imagine. :)
Appreciate the Things I Do
It is so easy to forget you are living with the one you love. Eating food someone else has cooked for you without saying thank you, dropping your dirty clothes on the floor, forgetting to put the toilet seat down, letting someone else do the tidying while you are watching your favourite show. There is always someone else who has to do what you are not, so let me know you appreciate me as much as I appreciate you.
Allow Me to Be Me
As much as I love you, I am still me. I am a living, growing human being who needs to learn, evolve and develop. I am not static. I will encourage you to be everything you want, I will support you in any way I can to be the best version of you that you can be. I need you to do the same.
Respect Me
We are different people. Two people who have fallen in love. We are not identical. We may have different views, different values, different hopes and dreams for the future. But all of them are valid, and we must learn to respect each other. Even if we differ, let’s agree to differ. We have so much we can learn from each other, especially as we are now older and have accumulated so much knowledge, and hopefully, wisdom.
Sorry Is Not the Hardest Word
We all do little things that can upset another person, often without thinking. If you have done something thoughtless or unkind, just say sorry. It doesn’t take much. Your masculinity will not be forever depleted, you will not appear weak, in fact you will make me love you more.
Remember Why You Fell in Love with Me
Finally, remember why you fell in love with me. Remember thinking about me, wanting to see me, missing me. I know I do. :) Wasn’t that wonderful! Our job is to keep that love alive, and I know that is not always easy. Let’s never go to sleep on an argument… one of us might not wake up. Dance with me in the moonlight, fall asleep under the stars and love me like I am the most beautiful woman in the world.
Also read, Falling in Love in Later Life: Is It About Passion or Companionship?
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you considered writing a love contract? What would you add in yours? Do you think a contract would have made a difference to your relationships?
What a great article! I’m saving this for when I hopefully find my future love. Wish I had had it with my now-ex spouse of 37 years. I’m sure it would have made a difference.
Hi Mar, thanks for joining the conversation and thank you for your kind words :) Lily x
Beautifully and simply written! Your piece reflects everything I wished I had had in my marriage and everything I will insist on in my next relationship.
Hi Kay thanks for joining the conversation and thank you for your kind words. Me too! Lily x
So true! Especially that first item to “talk to me!” My husband passed away last year and rarely talked to me about how he was feeling, even as he faced death from cancer. He always found it easier to lose himself in books and poetry and yes — even crap TV shows — than talk to me. Now that he is gone, I am haunted by the fact that even after 44 years, how well did I know him? How well did his sons know him? The sad truth is, not very well. Many men have this outdated idea that part of being strong in a masculine way is to stoically not show their feelings or articulate them. They have to learn how to communicate and how to express their love to other human beings, especially to those closest to them.
Hi Margaret, thanks for joining the conversation. I think I read somewhere that men, on average, speak two thirds less than women in their entire lives.Lily x
Excellent article and so accurate and articulate! If you enjoy being single, but
desire a relationship with a real man that does some of the things you have described, count me in!
Hi Kris, thanks for joining the conversation and your kind words. I think many women have created such a lovely life for ourselves that men are going to have to lean to communicate a little better, if they want relationships. Lily x
This was the best article for being happy in a relationship. I’m 77 and so want a companion. I’ve been divorced for 5 years and still not used to living alone. I want the simple things that you wrote about. I’ve come to realize tas men come in and out of my life, that I might never live with a man again. If someone comes into my life who could appreciate me and be my companion, who lives fairly nearby, who has a similar zest for life and shares many of my interests — I’d be happy. We don’t have to get married or even live together. I keep putting myself out there, joining dating sites, going dancing, doing athletic activities I enjoy, doing my art, etc. It’s a roller coaster ride and I think I’m getting used to the ride. I know that I’d make a man happy because I have already been in two long-term marriages and both men still love me. Husband #1 is an alcoholic who chose alcohol over me. After a 30-year marriage I couldn’t deal with all the negatives of alcoholism. I soon met husband #2, married him after 3 years, and had a pretty good marriage. We did so many sports and other activities together. Unfortunately after a 17 -year marriage he decided to become a woman!!! We remain best friends — now girlfriends. She lives twenty minutes away and we still do lots of activities together. It’s not the same without that physical closeness that a man and women share. Hopefully I’ll meet Mr. Right this year. Doubt I’ll ever give up hoping and looking.
Hi Holly, thanks for joining the conversation. So much of what you say resonates with me. As I have become older I realise I deserve to feel safe, happy and loved, while before I was just trying t hang on to my marriage. Lily x