Over 60 and Rejected by Your Kid? Navigating the Estrangement Struggle
By the time we reach our 60s, we reflect on what we once hoped for with our family. I hear from women that they would grow older harmoniously with their families. It is encouraging and a blessing when this is the case. But many struggle under the shroud of secrecy.
Few will admit they have enough family conflict to sink a ship or are estranged. Some women have no clue why an adult child rejects them. Self-blame and shame are difficult to overcome. All parties suffer when the rift causes physical and emotional distancing. So, how did we get here? Why are adult children cut off from one or more parents?
Read more: What Makes Adult Children Pick the Road of Estrangement?
Societal Change
We have come along in the last 50 years relationally. The many positive changes undoubtedly have given way to more equality, opportunity, and freedoms. Our society is far from ideal but more accepting of differences than our younger days.
Intact families are closer than before, texting or messaging frequently. Also, there is much more freedom to leave relationships with discontent or abuse. Children from divorced marriages are insulated from caustic interactions. Indeed, the changes have brought more significant advantages to our society.
How has this transformation affected how our adult kids see their world? In Dr. Joshua Coleman’s book, Rules of Estrangement, he explains the rise of individualistic thinking. Notably, a shift from loyalty to individual fulfillment.
Indeed, having agency and doing what pleases you rather than doing what others want is a good thing. But have we thrown the baby out with the bathwater? I’m not particularly eager to go to funerals, but I do it to respect my loved ones. Individualistic fulfillment can, at times, teeter on the extreme. It is devastating when your adult child is unhappy with you and cuts ties.
Unmet Expectations
Expectations are a natural part of relationships. Codependency recovery teaches that having expectations sets us up for disappointments. The balance comes in recognizing expectations exist in social norms. We have standards about how much time and support we receive from our family and adult children.
The commonality and exchange within families are part of social norms and expectations. If you need me, I am there for you, and when I need you, you will be there for me. When they break the standard, it can feel like a violation and cause friction and resentment.
Parenting Is to Blame
Welcome to the imperfect parenting club. Estrangement stories and parenting vary greatly.
Yes, abusive, narcissistic, negligent, absent, uninvolved, and unloving parents. When the children of these parents go to therapy, they are encouraged to separate with good reason. However, recently, abuse seems to include inconsistent parenting, fighting, yelling, and on occasion, nasty behaviors towards children.
None of this is acceptable; however, it happens. Less than the best parenting hurts kids. From my research, it appears that the focus of blaming parents anywhere on the spectrum is fashionable.
Identifying what parental behaviors hurt and how they affected them is helpful to process pain. The process helps them to see and have greater insight. Some adult kids get stuck here for a long time. They detach to protect themselves.
Hopefully, if they continue to get help, they will gain insight that their parents were mere humans. It is the cycle of awareness and growth. However, the trend of seeing others as responsible for one’s present mental state is problematic.
Divorce
Divorce can affect adult children by causing them to take sides, finding a victim and perpetrator in their narrative. Parental alienation, where one parent maligns the other and influences the child negatively, affects everyone. When a child experiences parental alienation, they may hold their learned grudge even when they are adults.
Adult children can also be overly worried about one parent. Divorce can also alter the family by adding new boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, stepchildren. The new “members” may not get along or be unappealing to the child or adult child. Interestingly, when kids are young, divorce increases the likelihood of later estrangement.
Read more: How to Stop Feeling Guilty About Your Divorce After 50.
The In-laws
The adult child may have married someone who is emotionally troubled. They may pressure your child to keep distant. The spouse or partner may be threatened by you and insist on less involvement. They may also encourage isolation from you. Your adult child, consequentially, may succumb to their wishes.
Read more: Want to Avoid Daughter-in-Law Problems? Let Go to Hold on!
Your Money
Many estrangement stories are rooted in the who, what, where, when, and how of your money and/or property. Sibling rivalries, expectations of unending support, unpaid loans, and their perception of unfair inheritances can aggravate the conflict. Often, deep-rooted conflict can result in estrangement when no resolution occurs.
Addiction and Mental Illness
The behaviors and attitudes of those who struggle with addictions and mental illness can be challenging. They can be highly dysregulated, angry, nasty, and abusive. Often, they are highly likely to misunderstand or misinterpret your communication due to their mental state.
Adult children in this state can be nearly impossible to relate to reasonably. Parents are likely to return nasty comments, be equally dysregulated, and fight back. Parents in this situation would benefit from learning communication skills and setting clear boundaries.
It is challenging to unravel this alone. Many parents in this situation intentionally distance their adult child out of self-preservation. Adult children with addiction and mental illness can estrange from not knowing how to cope with their condition. They may likely blame their parent for their misfortune.
More Reasons Why Adult Children Cut Ties
There are more reasons why adult kids cut ties with their parents, including a history of estrangement in the family, perceived negative childhood experiences, the guidance of their therapist, and a trend towards victimization.
Also, there may have been too close of a parental relationship where leaving is the only way to individuate. The presence of differing values, lifestyles, and choices is also a common reason for detaching from parents.
Estrangement is a complex topic with varying stories. I hear most of my clients’ deep sadness that their adult child ignores them. I listen to their heartbreak over not seeing their grandchildren. They tell me they never expected their child to do such a thing. They expected their adult kids would reciprocate love and affection. They also feel a deep sense of loss and grief more complicated than losing a child. They never expected to be “kicked to the curb.”
Not one parent expects to be alienated and rejected from their adult child. After all, we grew up in an era where loyalty, respect that did not need to be earned, obligations, and responsibility were the norm. We want our adult children to live their own lives, but we want to be a part of it.
Read more: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Estrangement: A Mother’s Journey.
Handling the Grief of Grandparent Estrangement
For many of you, not seeing your grandchildren is the hardest part of estrangement. The missed birthdays, holidays, and everyday moments can feel like a deep, ongoing loss – with no closure and little acknowledgment from others.
This kind of grief is real and complicated. You may wonder what your grandchildren are told about you – or whether they’ll remember you at all.
Finding Meaning Outside the Grandparent Role
While the absence is painful, there are ways to channel your love:
- Volunteer with kids in schools or libraries
- Join community groups that bring together multiple generations
- Pursue creative projects like writing or art that help you process emotions
These steps won’t replace what’s lost, but they can restore a sense of connection and purpose.
Legacy Letters and Memory Boxes
If reconciliation happens in the future, consider creating something meaningful to leave behind.
- Write a letter to each grandchild – share family stories, kind memories, or what you wish you could tell them.
- Fill a memory box with photos, keepsakes, and birthday notes. Store it safely in case you one day reconnect – or simply as a quiet expression of your ongoing love.
Where Do We Go from Here?
The expectation is reasonable; after all, we were the generation of Little House on the Prairie, Happy Days, The Jefferson’s, and Family Ties. We got our dose of The Golden Girls, Roseanne, and Married with Children. Television programming was full of relationship stories.
We watched conflicts get resolved; women worked outside the home, families gathered and talked. We had some realism but more idealism. The culture was changing before our eyes, tempered with understanding, respect, and levelheaded conversations.
Is it any wonder that parents are shocked and heartbroken when their relationship with their kids falls apart? Aside from programs, many grew up in families with similar yet less idyllic homes, but they acted like families. They talked, cared enough to check-in, and were loyal and interested.
Of course, for some, their family life was difficult and painful. Children of alcoholic parents, possibly abused, admit they worked even harder to nurture a long-lasting family bond. They wanted to provide the loving atmosphere they never had.
So, then, what has happened to our society’s family unit? And why is at least one out of four people in the United States now estranged from one or more family members? As a therapist and wellness coach, I listen and guide others to healing. Primarily I help people get out of stuck.
When your kid chooses to estrange, of course, you grieve and cry. I will encourage you not to go down with the ship. If you are doing well, I applaud you. Many have done well by accepting and moving on as best they can. They make time to gather with their other kids and welcome friends. They resist isolation and start socializing. They embark on a daily routine to climb out of the messy place and continue without the estranged child.
They keep informed, find support, do daily self-care, process their grief through journaling, find gratitude and keep living. My clients also learn from my eBook, videos, and blogs on estrangement. Information brings insight to prepare for reconciliation if this is your goal.
Not every parent wants to reunite. When the rift is too broad, you may wish to remain estranged. My clients preparing for reconciliation are grieving, learning communication skills, doing emotional visits, and gaining support. They are learning to understand their adult child and understand themselves. We are on the road together to rediscover who they are despite their condition. Remember, you are not alone.
Books and Podcasts for Understanding Estrangement
When you’re navigating the pain of estrangement, it can be hard to find others who truly understand. Reading the words of experts and listening to the stories of those who’ve walked a similar path can be a lifeline. These resources offer insight, strategies for coping, and – just as importantly – a sense that you are not alone.
Recommended Books
Rules of Estrangement by Dr. Joshua Coleman
This book is often considered a go-to for parents experiencing estrangement. Dr. Coleman explores the cultural shift toward individualism, the impact of therapy culture, and how adult children come to their decisions. He also outlines practical steps for parents who hope to reconcile.
Done With the Crying by Sheri McGregor
Written by a mother who experienced estrangement herself, this book speaks directly to parents feeling rejected and confused. McGregor offers coping strategies, tools for building resilience, and honest, compassionate guidance for moving forward – even if reconciliation isn’t possible.
Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl Pillemer, Ph.D.
Based on in-depth research, this book explores why family rifts happen and how some families find their way back to each other. It includes real stories from families who have reconciled and offers insights for those seeking a path to healing.
Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child by Tina Gilbertson
A practical, step-by-step guide written by a licensed therapist, this book focuses on communication techniques that can reduce defensiveness and increase the chances of re-opening a conversation with your child. Ideal for parents who want to try re-establishing contact in a non-threatening, respectful way.
Helpful Podcasts
The Estrangement Podcast by Dr. Joshua Coleman
Short episodes featuring listener questions and Dr. Coleman’s professional insights. He covers common issues like guilt, boundaries, and the emotional toll of estrangement. Thoughtful and research-based.
Reconnection Club Podcast by Tina Gilbertson
This podcast offers weekly guidance for parents who want to improve their relationship with an estranged adult child. Topics include what to say (and not say), how to handle rejection, and why adult children may stay distant longer than expected.
Why These Resources Matter
Sometimes, just hearing someone else describe your experience can be a form of validation. These books and podcasts won’t offer a one-size-fits-all solution – but they can help you:
- Understand the broader context of estrangement
- Identify patterns in your own story
- Gain new tools to process grief or rebuild connection
- Begin to separate your worth from your adult child’s choices
Whether you’re hoping for reconciliation or working to heal on your own, these resources offer steady, thoughtful guidance for the road ahead.
Editor’s Note: Article updated by Sixty and Me.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Where are you in your estrangement story? Do you find that parts of this article resonate with your own journey? What steps have you taken to care for yourself during this time?
My son got married right after graduating from college. We only met the girl twice. He was a preemie and stopped breathing snd no heart beat on three separate occasions while in the hospital. My wife wasnt able to see him at first as she had gone preeclamptic and was very groggy due to the anesthesia, and the magnesium sulfate administered to stop her from going into full blown eclampsia. I stayed with him every day in the neonatal ward he was in an isolete. His mom after recovering spent everyday with him until they released him. I had to go back to work or would have lost my job as it paid for the insurance that enabled us to get the care he needed . A few weeks later he needed an operation for pyloric stenosis. He took way longer to come out of the anesthesia than normal. I can’t describe the feeling of total helplessness that this gives a person as a new parent. As a father I put on the brave facefor my wife. Im a vet of a few different wars so it was expected. Anyway he came out of it . Then came the catching up phase , he was 2 months premature. Afterwards thru the years we loved him and nurtured and taught him. He had a brother who had a cleft and we had a whole different set of variables with him.As I said The older boy got married and little by little he became less communicative. One day he said that my wife and I are “ toxic” ??!!??? He wanted to distance himself from us. We asked him why what did we do. In the background ( this was phone conversation ) we could hear his wife literally telling him what to say. It was akin to a puppet master controlling his conversation. We were accused of backhanded remarks?!!!? This was no were near the truth. Our opinions on subjects have always been quite to the point. We are overwhelmed and yes as a man I am heartbroken. My younger son has been told not to visit them as well. He cant believe his big brother would act like this. We were told “ Dont call us dont text us we need a break from you!” That was last Christmas. They have a son and daughter. My Grandson liked to watch his Uncle play football (He played in college now he coaches) he worshipped his Uncle. This is harder for me than my time in war. I cant fight me way out . I cant confront his lying wife. I and my wife and younger son are emotional casualties.
All four of my adult children abandoned me 4 years ago. I have not been given any explanation why. I had great relationships with all my kids, until this nightmare happened. I never abused my children. Not verbally or physically. My stepdad, who is so hateful to me since my mom died in 23 won’t even tell me, although, he’s quick to try and disgrace and shame me about my past. I then remind him that I’ve been forgiven for all my sins! Past present and future. I told him I have had 4 years to think about what I did or didn’t do.
I honestly believe that my oldest daughter is responsible for the entire situation. Right before the estrangement, I had been babysitting full time for my 6 week old granddaughter until she was almost 2.
Then one weekend I was watching my granddaughter and grandson and my teenage grandson came into the room, and began to belittle me. Called me worthless! Said I’ll never amount to anythin!. Made fun of my arthritis pain and he mimicked me as well. He never apologized. My daughter never made him apologize to me either, which is how I knew she put him up to fake a verbal attack on me to get rid of me. Her plan was to say we’re putting in security cameras in case our son ever did that again it would be recorded. The following Monday, I walked into my daughter’s back door and both cameras were within 5’ from me and aimed at where I sit. I then asked her, how will the cameras be able to see your son, when his bedroom is upstairs. She replied, it has wide angled lenses. That is when I realized she set me up. I then walked 4’ across the room and unplugged the camera. She said, you’re fired! We have a new babysitter.
I’m 60, with both physical and mental illness. For the past ten years, I have lived with my daughter and grandaughter. I encouraged my daughter to buy a house, and I have contributed my full social security and she has received pay as a full-time caregiver during this time. Now, she going to sell the house at a huge profit. She doesn’t want to live with me anymore. I have no nest egg. I gave her everything. I thought we were secure, but she is literally throwing me away and it’s breaking my heart. There was no notice, no heads up. How do people survive the betrayal?
You need to stop being dependent on your daughter. Adult children are entitled to have a life of their own. Of course you contributed financially because you were living with her and she was your caregiver. You would have to pay rent if you lived in an apartment, now wouldn’t you? She is not required to live with you, but she should still respect you, love you and visit with you. Not sure what your mental and physical illnesses are, but if you truly are disabled, please get help from social services. Just because she no longer wants to live in the same house with you doesn’t mean she is throwing you away!
I have mental illness, and I became an alcoholic in my thirties. I quit drinking in 1995, and have been sober since then. From the Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I gained knowledge, wisdom, and hope, and made good use of those attributes. For decades, my daughter and I had a decent relationship. In the last few years, she began to behave disparagingly and belittling toward me. Prior to my getting sober, her father took custody of her because I asked him to, and because I didn’t want her sharing my steady decline. All throughout my sobriety, I’ve maintained honesty in my dealings with her, and I have always admitted to my failures, as a mother, a human. Now, at age 69, I’ve had to adjust to estrangement from her and my grandchildren. We haven’t communicated with each other since mid-January of this year. I stopped trying to communicate in mid-January, after repeated instances of my daughter being rude, disrespectful, and disinterested. I had no choice. Either I kept trying to keep the lines open and got silence, derision, and criticism in response, or I became silent myself. The silence speaks volumes to me. I realize that there isn’t anything I can do or say to change how she thinks of me and feels about me. Her continued silence tells me that she got what she wanted: I’m no longer in her life. It’s been heart-breaking at best. I went through these past few months battling suicidal ideation, hospitalizations, and the worst depression in my life. Thanks to a couple of people who love me, I managed to stay alive and learn. I’ve been on a spiritual path in the last two months that’s given me strength and compassion. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m no longer seeking reconciliation. Frankly, I don’t trust my daughter anymore. I feel stronger than I’ve ever felt, and I’m coping with keeping negative thoughts out of my head.
I think your daughter and mine share the same brain. I too find my daughter, unyielding, uncharitable and overly demanding. Our backgrounds are different but the outcome is the same. What I want to know is why am I set at such a high perfect standard when she knows I am only human with limitations. She’s not perfect yet I love her. My daughter is in late twenties & married but she still seems immature. The culture does not help. I pray for a healing. My prayers are heard. She needs time. Hang in there!
After my daughters dad left us when they were teens with only $300 and never looked back, I raised them and the babies they started having (one of my daughters had 3 babies before she was twenty) and somehow managed all the trouble that came with it. One baby was raped by a boyfriends son, one baby is special needs. They had numerous relationships. I always took them back in. I’ve pulled a gun on some crazy boyfriends and had guns pulled on me. It was a nightmare! Now they they are 42 and 39 and their lives are just now straightening out. And their daddy has shown back up!!!! I have been diagnosed with breast cancer with metastasis to sentinel nodes and liver. I live 2 miles from both daughters. They never check on me. And as of late 2024 they both had some lame excuse as to why they didn’t want anything else to do with me. One being, I made everything about me !!!! Lol I literally laughed! I’m not too upset, I’m enjoying the peace, but I love my grandkids so much and it’s killing me. My oldest granddaughter is getting married. I raised her. My heart is breaking.
Dear Anita, I am so sorry this happened to you. I know there is no substitute for our grandchildren, we can move into a more peaceful state in our grief. My heart goes out to you.
im so sorry to have to go to all of that,my yongers dauther is only 28 but she move out with the girfriend at 16, she is doing good going to school to become at RN, and im so proud of her, but when i try to call her or text her she ignor me she blame me for everithing and anything and she feels like she is better with out me in her life, im a single mom and i can understand you pain, but now you need to focus in your self, and get better,
Hi Jet, this is the person to whom I am responding although no doubt I will read what Anita and Tish say. I just realised in my Ludditish ways that there are heaps or as the yankies would say a bunch of other missives. Im starting again b4 i i pressed enter and away it went ill have to remember shift. I was glad to see that you wrote this over a year ago which im hoping means that you are no longer suffering from that fucking black dog. I found it helpful to try to observe your (my)thoughts as if they werent yours(mine), the two brain approach ive said to myself ‘its a thought just a thought.” I would have to be a psychopath to not feel deeply for you. I wont bore you with my stuff but dont worry Im 546% better now than I was for the period 1997 to 2014 and still better than I was 2014 to 2025. I never blamed my parents the way this son does. I wont bore you with my little story although its probably not that boring, tragic nonetheless. and funny. I wont go on before I know Im actually speaking to someone. I feel like the grand master guru of self help some days and on others I just want to do what I have spent an inordinate amount of time doing hiding away from the world. I would like to hear from you Jet but Id like to hear from anyone who doesn’t like yoga and likes making love at midnight.